Dear Lia,

“It’s almost time to leave and I feel on the verge to collapse, as if chaos was the next step.”

The next step may be something alone the lines of peace, quiet, and grief.

Your trust concerns have merit. Your nervous system is so used to these cycles of abuse, that it would be quite unfamiliar to suddenly not have that in your life anymore.

Similar to a phenomenon called “traumatic bonding”, it may cause you to subconsciously attract new situations of abuse.
Abusive personalities, not unlike that of your ex-boyfriend, can smell those wounds from a mile away, so to speak.
And may feel tempted to exploit them. (=> You)

There’s a saying: “Choose your friends, don’t let them choose you.”

And if such abuse were to happen again, it is my experience that those people will not quit stamping on those emotional wounds until you heal them. (your wounds)
And if you would simply kick that person from your life, another will come because the wound is still there.

That is why you’re acting so distrustful.

You intuïtively know that you first have to attend to the trauma if you ever want to feel safe enough to allow yourself to truly open up and be vulnerable. And it will take time, effort, and therapy to do that.

So go get a high-quality therapist, or two, and by all means do NOT go into this process alone.
Build a support system. Gather resources.

Improve your skill of discerning supportive from unsupportive people.
Polish up on your boundaries. Have standards.
Embrace the life that was given to you.

If you expect any kind of retaliation for going your own way, have an exit plan.
Like a commander planning out a defensive strategy: Protect yourself.

Personally I highly recommend the Somatic Experiencing therapy discipline for healing the trauma.
And “The Power of Now” audio-book for modern spiritual support.

Both have been an absolute game-changer for me.
And still are.

Take CARE