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Raisin

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  • #359333
    Raisin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for this reply, it’s helped me a little. I hope to get better, and if possible seek professional help. These thoughts come and go, so it’s a constant and complex battle I fight.

    I will practice kindness toward myself, also learn to forgive myself and reconcile with my past. I was a child and thought the things I did are wrong, I didn’t know any better, now I know better and try to do better.

    #359318
    Raisin
    Participant

    I wake up every morning with a heavy weight on my should, the thoughts of the things that happened to me, and the things I did linger around and hunt me, to the extent that I cannot live life normally. I used to be a dreamer, I used to have goals, but now all I feel is fear, guilt and regret, the type that crippled and leaves one numb and unable to dream.

    I need help!

    #359303
    Raisin
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I sure would like to communicate with you, but don’t know how to go about it. I’d appreciate it if you can let me know.

    thank you!!

    #359289
    Raisin
    Participant

    Hello,

    I too have something I did in the past as a child, that haunts me till this day. At the age of 5 or 6, I cannot remember the specific age, My older brother who is 2 years older than I am, started touching and dry humping me, this went on for a while and changed the trajectory of my life in ways I cannot even explain. Being exposed to sex at sort a young age, the urge and desire to perform sexual acts became something I struggled with and with no guidance and sex education, I would act on impulse to satisfy my urges.

    At the age of 8, my cousin who was a little younger than I was and I started doing things we weren’t supposed to be doing. I kind of knew we were wrong, but I just didn’t know how to control my urges.

    it continued for a while and then stopped. Everything is blurry, so I don’t quite remember vividly these events. A lot of things went down between some of my playmates who were around the same age as me or a little younger. I remember one time, a female cousin from the U.K, came to visit us, alongside her sister and one day while we were playing, started touching me, and I am ashamed to say this but I liked it. This event also changed my life aswell.

    A lot of things went down in my childhood, and growing up in a toxic environment didn’t make things any better. I would have people manipulate me into having sex with them, most time I didn’t agree to them.

    These things continued till I was about 12 years old. At that point, I was tired of it all. I was a young child, with so much going on and too many secrets. I didn’t know who to talk to or where to seek help from, I was lost and alone and scared of being judged harshly.

    so far I have spoken to one of my cousin who I explored with, and we apologized to ourselves for any harm we might have caused ourselves, but it’s still not enough as there are still two other people I would like to talk to. I feel so terrible and worthless and sometimes feel that I do not deserve happiness.

    In my case I recognize the cycle of molestation and try to be kind to my brother because I think he too must have been molested. I try to be kind to myself, but it’s so difficult.

    I need any help I could get to make me feel better and worthy of good things. I am not attracted to children and have never been, Infact don’t condone pedophilia, because I know the harms it causes to victims. I want to use my experiences to help other girls/kids that might have gone through the same. I want to ensure that no child has to be traumatized in the ways that I have been, to ensure that they don’t have their innocence stripped at such young ages.

     

     

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