I know. If it was indeed just brotherly feelings on my part, I doubt the possessiveness would’ve reached this level seeing her with her own blood brother. I should’ve heeded the signs and accepted the truth right then. But now I am not sure what to do. Even if she forgives me for the fight, she will definitely not accept my feelings; at least not anytime soon. She feels angry and betrayed that I loved her in this manner when she had considered me her brother. She is denying we ever shared anything special or personal in our bond, and seems to feel I misinterpreted some of her words/actions as romantic (which isn’t true). I had said that she doesn’t need to return my feelings and we can at least interact as good friends… but she didn’t reply. I don’t know how to proceed and rebuild our relation, if I’m blessed enough to be forgiven by her someday. Almost feels like a catch-22 situation or something. That still is a far way off as right now she’s completely aloof from me.

I had been hoping to send her a small message today expressing that I am remorseful and care for her, but in light of our friend’s accident, I don’t know if it’s right to do it as we’re all so worried for her.

Truthfully speaking, even I don’t know. Any human being would be terribly hurt by someone they love so much saying such things, that too countless times. All she said regarding this is, “he hurt me with all the bad words he used, but I’ll always pray for him and wish good for him”. After that whatever I heard she said has been regarding her shock about my changed feelings for her, not the fight we had. Of course she’s too sweet to tell others about what I did. Maybe it’s this suspense and the fact that she’s said so little and kept her true pain and magnitude of that pain quietly within herself, which makes it even more painful to me.

I had never really thought of it this way. That the pain I’m imagining her to be feeling, is the pain I’m feeling myself due to guilt and depression. That’s something quite profound you mentioned. But I don’t know if it’s strength or cowardice that I’m still here. Not too long ago I was Googling “painless methods of suicide” and what not hoping to just put an end to all this. But obviously I can’t. Because thankfully my dear family never even gave me pocket money in my life, so even if I have to buy a peanut, I need to ask them first. I can hardly walk up to them asking money to get poison (and ask dad to drive me there). Maybe because there still is a tiny shoot of hope in my heart that everything will be alright, that I’m holding on somehow.

These feelings of jealousy and insecurity I mentioned in my previous post, which I had felt were gone, also have me worried a lot. I’ve never been jealous of anybody in my life (unless you count those Einsteins in school I always got compared to during report card time… but that’s different), I don’t understand why I began to feel this way about her and her brother. Especially because this same inner voice which is now rebuking me for hurting her, had egged me on to behave abusively and caused all the chaos.

Thanks Anita. Means a lot to me. Sadly no matter what I am, does not change what I did. I’m sure even if someone asks her about me, she’ll say this same thing because she’s so sweet and compassionate. But I don’t feel when she thinks of me, she can forget my toxic words even if she doesn’t tell anyone. And I don’t feel the dragon in me has subsided yet. Just today I was wondering whether she’s forgotten me or she still thinks of me sometimes. The voice in my head answered – “Why would she think of someone like you who hurt her so much? She must be happy with her brother who always cares for her and makes her relaxed, unlike you.” I thought I had gotten over that insecurity. Apparently it isn’t so. 🙁 Maybe because I know how much she loved me and I only gave her pain and depression in return.

I got to know my friend who had sent her our convo met with an accident, and is in hospital. I’m extremely disturbed and praying for her recovery, feeling so bad that I had stopped talking to her. She may have been careless, but she surely meant no harm and I consider her as good as a sister. My dad has this habit of sitting behind with me with a gloomy expression if I don’t study properly… he doesn’t say anything, just hopes I take notice and go to study. Today even that was irritating me as I was so disturbed due to these double issues. Scarcely faced a worse time in my life thus far.

Thank you so much Anita, for expanding upon these examples so wonderfully and helping me notice the flaws in the convenient thinking. I had never really thought of it this way. Yes… Jerry having been a “safe target” is what I had realized sometime back after our conversation and I realized that my pent-up anger had gotten directed at her, simply because she’s so soft-hearted, willing to take all blame upon herself and always ready to forgive me without a word simply because of her love for me (until recently when I truly crossed the lines) even though she too is a human being with a heart. I can see I literally treated her like an object, a wedge to sharpen a knife upon, or a punching bag, whatever. It makes me feel absolutely horrible and disgusted at myself. I don’t think even the most abusive and ill-mannered people in the world treat their loved ones like I treated her.

In order to learn to be assertive, I first need to go out by myself away from the influence of certain people in my family. Sadly the inertia has been so strong that I myself don’t feel like stepping out of my room anymore. First step is clearing these exams which my parents have been asking from a long time and promising to give me independence once I do it. I don’t feel they’ll have any excuses left once I succeed. But until then, I want to develop enough self-control to prevent the anger from hurting innocent people until I can manage to develop a permanent change in myself. It’ll take time and life needs to go on until then.

I agree, evaluating the message behind the anger is important. But after recognizing it, it’s time to decide what course of action to do depending on the situation being faced. I wasn’t referring to mythology or scriptures (certainly not about turning the other cheek). But for example, the Buddha chose not to let the verbally abusive people affect his mind and chose to simply move on. Almost like refusing to accept a gift from someone… so it’s they who receive it back. In case of something like arguments with my mom, I agree that asserting myself properly is important. Once the situation is resolved, I don’t wish to keep brooding over it and letting my mood be spoiled. I mean, what’s done is done. After the thing is resolved, I feel I should forgive and keep in mind the lesson I learned from it, rather than negative thoughts towards myself or the other person.

But far from this, I’ve noticed that even something trivial like getting into an argument with some random punk in the campus for bumping into me, if I choose to ignore and move on, my inner voice calls me a coward for not fighting him or saying something abusive to provoke him. I had chosen to move on for a good reason… because that guy and incident have no importance in my life in the long run. They’re nothing but momentary. But my inner demons still won’t leave me alone and I spend time stressing over it and getting angry. Surely that is not a healthy thing. On the contrary if I return expletives to such people before going away, the inner demons may not trouble me but my conscience surely rebukes me for having behaved just like the people I dislike. How am I better than them if I act the same way? I suspect that part of the roots of my vile behaviour towards Jerry lie here too. That’s why I’m concerned.

I understand that Anita, and I agree. From my elementary understanding of evolutionary psychology, anger evolved within us as a defense mechanism against threats, mostly coming from individuals we know. I know it’s a natural human emotion we cannot just eliminate. I do however, feel we can control it sufficiently. I read about instances in the life of the Buddha and other great masters where they were badly abused by ill-mannered people, sometimes by their own close ones, but they chose not to “accept” those hurtful words and feel miserable, and instead just moved on with a smile. I may not even come close to having in me their virtues, but I do feel that it’s our choice to understand what message the anger is giving and then, instead of succumbing to it and becoming violent, having enough self-control to forgive and move away until the anger subsides. If I had been able to do that, none of this would’ve happened. But I’m not able to develop that self-control and patience. I always succumb to the anger after a brief spell of self-control.

I actually don’t know about this particular news since I’ve not read the newspapers for long. But articles related to this did appear at least twice in the past few months, which I saw myself, so it must be true. Either way, I do not have the energy and motivation to do exam prep for another year. It’s become a stale and strenuous way of life, I’m overage already and if I wish to fulfill my heart’s desires, including the one we discussed, I cannot afford to keep wasting time. Let’s see.

I’m not sure how to keep track of my progress, if I’ve managed to improve myself in any manner. Though my dad says I’ve not been as short a fuse as I used to be until now, I did lose my temper yesterday again. I had resolved last year to not do it again, and succeeded for 3 months until it happened again, so I don’t know for sure.

Thanks a lot for the compassion and understanding, Anita. You can’t know how much it means to me.

I understand where you’re coming from, Anita. It indeed is true and a very basic fact of life. Pain, both physical and emotional, are a very real fact of life and something that even the most wealthy and fortunate person on the planet cannot escape. It happens sooner or later and dealing with it is a skill. I did deal with at least some of it in the past, but I never was so overwhelmed, so depressed and almost suicidal as now. Not only is the sadness of separation and guilt overwhelming for me, but I’m supposed to study hard and clear one of the toughest exams in the country in this condition. I can hardly remember being in any harder situation.

Right now in the morning, my parents give me the fresh news that from next year, the said exam may be introducing some new rules which would make me ineligible to take it anymore. Means I have to clear it this time, or never. I’m feeling like my head might explode soon.