You are right. Coincidentally I just came across this quote of Einstein today – “The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” I guess I need to move up the level of thinking first indeed… as evidence points out I’m still right there. But I’ll do my best to understand and co-operate. 🙂 Thanks again.

Honestly speaking, I never felt Jerry was cruel to me or treated me badly. Yes there were a few times when she too got angry (only recently), but it’s a very understandable human reaction and absolutely nothing compared to how much she had to put up with me. I created those gifts hoping to make her happy and seeing her joy, making her understand that here is someone who genuinely loves her and to whom she’s very special… special because of her virtues which make her such a wonderful and sweet person (because she has this insecurity issue and sometimes told me that she feels nobody except her parents cares for her). I do admit I hoped she could feel how much I love her in that way… but I didn’t intend it in a selfish manner as such (sounds like an oxymoron, I know). Worth mentioning here, I remember when my obsession was growing, I used to keep telling her “I love you, you’re special to me” every other moment and she told me not to say it, saying that those things aren’t spoken in words but expressed in action so the other person feels them.

And yes… she was indeed significantly afraid of her family finding out about me. I too dropped the issue of gifts and meeting her after a while acknowledging that, but the thing is I could not stop thinking about how she meets her cousin brother, my brain showed me images of them hugging and kissing each other. No matter how much my rational side told me that she has genuine reasons for not meeting me, I could not get over her meeting and being intimate with that guy. I know it’s cheap of me and I cannot forgive myself for it.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

Anita, I do not want to abandon anything but what can I say if it appears that I never cared for Jerry’s feelings? I don’t deny that I was a foul mouthed and insensitive jerk, I hurt her and in those particular flashes of anger I indeed forgot about her feelings and point of view. It’s not a special thing for her only but whenever I lost my temper with my parents or other friends, it was exactly the same. Its not that I stopped caring about their feelings. If I did not care for Jerry’s feelings then why would I have done my best to make up to her after it, wrote poems for her, gifts on New Year, stayed up all night to prepare her birthday gift even when she’s not talking to me, started posting here on this very thread since March? I don’t deny that I am selfish in wanting to be back with her again, but more than that I wish she has a happy and successful life with her loved ones, whether or not I am with her. If I can, I would always do anything for her even if I can never be with her again, even if I get no credit whatsoever for it. It pains me to say it, but I mean it.

I’m sorry. You see what I’m like, you can imagine how much she had to put up with me all these years. If there indeed is an opportunity to change myself into someone worthy of being with her, by fixing my flaws, I’m all for it.

Reading this, my belief that I no longer am a good person (or ever was) is more confirmed. In my histrionics, selfishness and goodness knows what more, I did more damage than anybody else. I know it. She never was like this before and for her becoming like this, I know nobody but me is responsible. I don’t know how I can be considered a good or loving person after seeing how much damage I did to her.

Answering your questions, thinking from her point of view… Jerry always prized her relation with me. To the extent that she was willing to put up with so much just to maintain the bond. She told my friends that she loves me and never wants to lose me. She asked me to promise to be with her always. She felt she could count on me to be a humble and loving brother to her, always. When she found out about my feelings… she felt most shocked and betrayed, for reasons we’ve discussed. And afraid… because she knew that if her family ever found out, it would be disaster beyond imagination. She discussed with her sister and decided that my feelings are not something that can be eradicated so easily… and therefore she now has no choice but to choose between me and her family. And her sister hated me for my actions and let me have it, without showing any of Jerry’s restraint or mercy. I hope I’ve been able to analyze correctly somewhat.

I love Jerry and I want to…
1) Comfort her and make up for all the pain I caused her. Show that I understand what she has undergone, genuinely regret it and I have been doing my best to change myself for her
2) Help her understand that I never stopped loving and caring for her
3) Assure her that I would never do anything that puts her or her reputation at risk. That I would get rid of my feelings if only to be with her, even in an inferior relation, because nothing is more important to me.
4) Let her know that I am always there for her, as she asked of me. And I always will be.

I hope it doesn’t sound selfish. I tried my best to look at it from her POV firstly.

My updated message:
*****

I know you don’t want to talk to me and I know how fallen I am in the eyes of you and your sister now. You are sweet to deny it, Jerry, but you know it’s true and I understand why. I don’t know whether you’ll reply or read this message, or delete it after a glance. I’m messaging you because my exams are over at last, and this is something I have been wishing to say for long. I don’t feel repeating what we’ve said before is of any use. I accept that I am nobody to consider myself above social rules, and in that context I accept that I have done wrong. I know you don’t like these things and that’s why I tried to keep my feelings from you and confessed only to 2 mutual friends. If it still means I transformed from a humble and caring brother into a monster, then I accept that I am one. But God knows that if there’s anything I have never done, it is stopping caring for you, disrespecting you or thinking inappropriately of you. I admit I have lost my temper over petty issues, behaved badly with you, even stopped talking… but my temper has never ended with me not regretting it. I was so touched by your last message, “though he hurted me with the bad words he used, I’ll pray for him and always think good only for him”, I promised to change myself and I’ve made every effort to stop using bad language and losing temper. Because I genuinely respect and care for you, always.

The above issue aside, I can only hope you understand that I never lusted for you or thought inappropriately of you, Jerry. My love was always based on respect for you as a person and your virtues which make you who you are. I accept that you loved me as a brother only and never expected this from me, and felt so betrayed. I’m sorry for everything you had to go through because of me. But if someone is doing their best to make up to you after five months, I wish you could see that their underlying motivation is sincere, and not lust or bad intentions. I don’t know about anything else, but I miss you. I miss you and our bond every day and every moment. There has not been a single day from 7th March when I’ve had a single moment of peace. I have been told to remain happy with all the others who call me brother. But you know better than me that no relation can ever take the place of another. And nobody can ever take your place in my life either, Jerry. That’s how it has been and how it always will be. I’m not asking for any special place in your life, and I have no right to request anything from you. I wanted to acknowledge and accept my faults which I’ve thought about in these months, and which I accept that you were right about and I am wrong. I don’t know what difference my regret can make, but it’s the least I can do and I wish to do so.

To be specific, here’s the conversation I had with her and her sister (condensed version):

Sister – Hey… my sister has a message for you. She does not want to continue this bond anymore as it’s not brotherly.
Me – Please tell her I’m ready to do keep it a bro-sis bond only if that’s all acceptable to her.
Sister – But how can she trust you to keep your word and keep it a brotherly bond only from now on? It’s easier said than done.
Me – I’m willing to do anything to preserve our bond.
Sister – To the extent of having the chutzpah to call her sis again? You’ll sink so low?
Me – You don’t understand. I never meant any harm, she just means a lot to me.
Sister – We did not expect this from you. My sister trusted you, she genuinely felt you cared for her as a sister! Do you have any idea how much your deeds affected her?
Me – I never meant anything wrong! Just because I had some feelings, doesn’t mean I stopped caring for her. Is even having feelings bad?
Sister – YES! It is WRONG! It is BAD! Not expected! We did not expect you to transform from a humble and caring brother into a bloodthirsty monster. No good person in the Indian culture ever behaves like this, romantically loving a girl after calling her his sister. I know now that the Internet is a dangerous place due to monsters like you who wear masks and deceive innocent girls and exploit them. The other girls who call you brother need to beware, because you can change your feelings and start lusting for them anytime.
Me – Just because I gave one person a special place in my heart, doesn’t mean I’ll do it for everybody else. Because I know I truly shared a special bond with her.
Sister – I don’t know what your bond was. But seeing the present situation and seeing how hurt she is, I know your so-called bond was worthless and weak. I don’t feel all relations are the same. I don’t think our own brother would ever think of changing relations with us like you did.
Me – I never tried to change relations. I kept my feelings quiet as possible as I knew she’ll be hurt. I can understand your indignation and feeling of betrayal…
Sister – This is not anger. This is just what we feel is right to do. We just don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. You have so many girls willing to call you brother, so it won’t matter if one of them leaves you. Enjoy life with the rest, just don’t betray them the way you betrayed my sister. Goodbye, take care, stay blessed.
Me – Your heart knows what’s right and wrong to do. And you should know no relationship can replace another. I’ll love Jerry forever and nobody can take her place in my life. I wish we’re back together someday.

I guess nothing significant was said after this. After that Jerry messaged me a week or two later via her sister.

Jerry – Look Ravi bro, I know you’re older than me and I respect you. That’s why I thought of messaging you. I hope you realize what you’re doing is wrong and it’s of no use deleting your Facebook and Twitter accounts. We are both parts of our show’s fandom and that’s our common interest. I interacted with you as I consider you my brother. Please don’t go around telling people that I loved you romantically. Whatever little I shared with you, I did as a sister. There are plenty of things I didn’t share with you, and I know you didn’t share with me either. That’s all there ever was between us and I never said anything for you to wrongly feel that I love you romantically. I don’t want to hear about this anymore. If you want, you can message me on Facebook sometimes but not regarding this matter.
Me – I’m so happy to hear from you. I hope you know I deleted my accounts not out of attention seeking, but because all of that means nothing to me without you. I never told anyone that you loved me romantically and that seems to be a misunderstanding. I have reasons for loving you myself and I hope you know that sharing secrets isn’t the criteria for loving someone.
Jerry – I can’t stand this. I know certain behaviours of yours like after our phone call, you said you hope I feel comfortable with you… and thus I understood what was going on in your mind.
Me – That I am a lustful beast and a pervert, right? I’m sorry, sis. I cannot hope to make you understand anything unless you put aside your pre-conceived notions. Please don’t message me until you do that. I may have committed the “sin” of loving you more than a sister, but my heart knows I did not do it with any wrong intentions. I know I’ve done many bad things but loving you isn’t one of them. I love you always and I hope everything gets well someday.

She didn’t message me after this, didn’t respond to mine either when I messaged saying sorry if she felt bad.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

OK, Anita. Thanks for such thought-provoking and meaningful advice. 🙂 I considered your words and thought over the root issue you mentioned. I admit that more than Jerry, it’s her sister who hurt me with her words. Though like you another friend also told me that it’s not wise to take a 15 year old girl’s immature words so seriously, but I still cannot get over it. I guess it indicates the lack of confidence and self respect within me. But yes, no matter how long it takes to reconcile with Jerry, no matter whether she maintains a stony silence or sends back rude and unfriendly replies, I’m determined to not lose my temper under any circumstances. I won’t be sending her any reply without showing you first. I’m going over our thread as you suggested.

I had kept the “sweet to deny it” part because she and her sister mentioned it twice before. “We have no anger towards you, we just don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.” And “don’t know if you’ll reply”, had kept it hoping to appeal to her conscience. Of course, can delete them if needed. Otherwise the message is alright I hope? Anything she and her sister can twist and take wrongly?

Ya I knew that the message I had drafted is anything but good. 😛 Honestly, I am at a loss for how to frame it, because I had tried saying almost everything to her and she just ignored it. I don’t know whether this spiritual thing is right to say, because she seems allergic to the very word “love” coming from me now and she’s also stubborn that she cannot accept anything other than a bro-sis relation. Maybe I should say that I am willing to settle with any form of communication acceptable to her? The rest of the message, I’ll try to reframe considering your advice.

A humble request to not compare my parents to Mufasa’s dead body. I know there have been some disagreements and bad incidents between us, much of it stemming from a lack of understanding and maturity on both sides. I’m glad that things have now been sorted out and at least the independence thing is no longer an issue for me. I don’t know if the loss of belief in a protecting parent is the reason that the death scene clicked with me, because like I said back then none of these issues existed. I do know that my later life situation is why I grew too attached to Jerry and sought desperately to be extra special to her and for her life to revolve around me. What’s done is done… I just wish to fix things here on.