Anita, I do not want to abandon anything but what can I say if it appears that I never cared for Jerry’s feelings? I don’t deny that I was a foul mouthed and insensitive jerk, I hurt her and in those particular flashes of anger I indeed forgot about her feelings and point of view. It’s not a special thing for her only but whenever I lost my temper with my parents or other friends, it was exactly the same. Its not that I stopped caring about their feelings. If I did not care for Jerry’s feelings then why would I have done my best to make up to her after it, wrote poems for her, gifts on New Year, stayed up all night to prepare her birthday gift even when she’s not talking to me, started posting here on this very thread since March? I don’t deny that I am selfish in wanting to be back with her again, but more than that I wish she has a happy and successful life with her loved ones, whether or not I am with her. If I can, I would always do anything for her even if I can never be with her again, even if I get no credit whatsoever for it. It pains me to say it, but I mean it.

I’m sorry. You see what I’m like, you can imagine how much she had to put up with me all these years. If there indeed is an opportunity to change myself into someone worthy of being with her, by fixing my flaws, I’m all for it.

OK Anita. Thanks a lot. I’d just like to know if it’ll be ok for me to message her after this realization… and what changes can be done to the message I wrote.

You are right. Coincidentally I just came across this quote of Einstein today – “The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” I guess I need to move up the level of thinking first indeed… as evidence points out I’m still right there. But I’ll do my best to understand and co-operate. 🙂 Thanks again.

Honestly speaking, I never felt Jerry was cruel to me or treated me badly. Yes there were a few times when she too got angry (only recently), but it’s a very understandable human reaction and absolutely nothing compared to how much she had to put up with me. I created those gifts hoping to make her happy and seeing her joy, making her understand that here is someone who genuinely loves her and to whom she’s very special… special because of her virtues which make her such a wonderful and sweet person (because she has this insecurity issue and sometimes told me that she feels nobody except her parents cares for her). I do admit I hoped she could feel how much I love her in that way… but I didn’t intend it in a selfish manner as such (sounds like an oxymoron, I know). Worth mentioning here, I remember when my obsession was growing, I used to keep telling her “I love you, you’re special to me” every other moment and she told me not to say it, saying that those things aren’t spoken in words but expressed in action so the other person feels them.

And yes… she was indeed significantly afraid of her family finding out about me. I too dropped the issue of gifts and meeting her after a while acknowledging that, but the thing is I could not stop thinking about how she meets her cousin brother, my brain showed me images of them hugging and kissing each other. No matter how much my rational side told me that she has genuine reasons for not meeting me, I could not get over her meeting and being intimate with that guy. I know it’s cheap of me and I cannot forgive myself for it.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

I don’t deny that I’m clearly not good at effective communication. But it doesn’t mean I did not care for her perspective of the event, her feelings. I didn’t write the full convo here; when Jerry messaged me the last time, part of my first message was this – “I know you always loved me as your brother only, you never expected me to feel like this and I know how betrayed and hurt you felt on learning about my feelings. I knew you will feel that way and that’s why I had chosen to keep them from you and confess only to those friends.” I wasn’t imposing my views on her here or trying to dictate what she’s feeling. I said it because her sister kept saying “we never expected this from you”.

I realize now I should have asked her more about how she feels… but how could I have done it? “Are you feeling hurt? Please tell me how you feel, don’t hesitate” sounds so corny and rather pushy. I honestly don’t know how I could’ve asked that to her. 🙁

I’m not sure. Doesn’t that sound kind of sarcastic and insensitive… like despite knowing that she’s hurt, I’m hinting that she’s acting or being over-dramatic? I could easily imagine how she was hurt and that’s why wanted to emphasize that I didn’t do it intentionally and tried to avoid revealing my feelings to prevent just that. I apologized after that wanting to comfort her. I know it was hardly good though and I accept I focused more on my side than hers. I’m willing to work hard on this skill of better communication and also being more selfless in focusing on the other’s perspective, to fix my flaws.

To be honest, I felt bad because though I understand her beliefs and all, I felt that breaking a relationship over it despite my trying my best to make up to her is insensitive. My anger was directed more at her sister than her. I felt that she’s just being extremely stubborn in sticking to her orthodox beliefs which have blinded her. And that’s why I was trying to tell her that while I respect her beliefs, breaking our relation over it is not good. Until you explained the full seriousness and gravity of her perspective yesterday, I had not really thought of it in that manner. I admit now that my anger and frustration was misdirected and I empathize with her situation and why she had to make this decision.

That does sound appropriate, Anita. I never thought of it in that manner. The thing is, both Jerry and her sister have had a tendency of misconstruing my words and since communication via messages is not as good at expressing emotion/tone as a phone conversation (where you can actually hear the person’s tone and other nuances which help you make out their intents and state of mind), I could not be sure whether her sister would take it as I mean or interpret it as cockiness. Either way, if there’s any way I could speak to her in this manner appropriately in the future, I will surely do it.

I agree that it’s not right to quote her sister’s words back at Jerry. Regarding my motivations… before our present convo, I would have said my wish is to make up to Jerry for everything that happened, help her realize that her act of breaking relations was extreme and hope to gradually re-establish our relation. Now, I want to focus on her situation and understand it well. Then, I want to confess to her that I have done my best to understand her perspective now and I’m sorry for not doing it before. I want to empathize with her feelings… and instead of projecting my pre-conceived notions on her, give her a chance to express herself properly, what she had to go through because of me. I’ll accept what she says, I won’t argue. I want to comfort her selflessly, in any appropriate manner. Though I wish to re-establish our relation, I don’t want to put that up on the priority list. I don’t want to act selfishly. I want to do what I failed to do before and genuinely respect her feelings, allow her to express herself, understand her words properly and comfort her, as we discussed now.

I will certainly keep that in mind. Regarding how she reacts at the mention of me… I cannot say definitively. Surely it would be negative. I can’t say it will be dread… maybe anger, hurt or disgust. I don’t want her to be stressed and her health affected either. I won’t do anything that will harm her emotionally or health-wise. Would it be more apt to have someone else speak to her first? I’ll do whatever is apt… will not rush into anything.

If she says she is only okay with me messaging her on FB and regarding only a few topics, maybe I would accept and keep it the way she wants, for now. Maybe as time passes, I can focus on my goal slowly as we discuss and deem appropriate (or not at all, if its dishonest or inconsiderate). If she says that she no longer wants to have any contact at all… I honestly don’t know what to say.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.