Me too. 🙂 First thing I thought of after the exam was to post to you here.

It’s not that hot now, actually. Been raining quite heavily since a few weeks. Dad indeed advised me to join the gym, learn driving and cooking and all this month. I’m also working on writing and music. Hopefully will be able to do something productive until the exam results come out.

I wasn’t actually requesting readers to reply as such but just hope well for my mission in their hearts. The kind of thing I believe in. 🙂 Earlier this month I made up with my other friend who had sent our chat log to Jerry. The misunderstanding is cleared up and I felt a weight lift off my heart. I just hope to do everything good on my part.

I hope so. And yup, I don’t deny that is a possibility to meet some girl like that. I imagine it would be easy to give up on my love as a hopeless case and accept someone else… the hard but right thing is staying true to one’s genuine love and resisting temptations and alluring to go with another, despite the seeming hopelessness. That’s what I wish to do always… the right thing and not the easy thing. I guess I’m too naïve but that’s my simple and honest view. 🙂

There won’t be any significant relief from the heat here until October. Just the climate of our region, coupled with frequent power cuts.

It isn’t necessary. Quite a lot of people do live apart from their parents, but it’s more due to negative reasons like fights or clashes regarding personal interests. And the society views that negatively. But that isn’t the reason why I want to live with my parents. I want to do it of my own free will as I love them. What’s done is done and at least as a result of all this, we’ve developed a much better understanding, even in these few months. From what I’m seeing in the present, I know there won’t be any disagreements in the future.

If she were with me as lovingly as she was in the past, I feel I could’ve faced this situation and ten times worse. Now that I’ve learned my lesson, I know she may not need me but I need her. She’s my life breath and my heartbeat. I would treasure her more than anyone and anything in my life, and be so grateful for her presence that every other pain in my life would feel like nothing at all. I would try to keep contact limited so that my possessiveness doesn’t exceed limits, ensure to never lose my temper. If I were to succeed in my exams then surely my grandmother would have no choice but to let me go out to college and elsewhere, my parents would be doubly happy and co-operate with me in every way, obviously I would never wish to leave them. If the college is particularly good, much of the damage caused in the past years would be compensated. I would go on to lead a happy life with my parents and my Jerry successfully.

It’s nothing but a dream. 🙁

Anita – We’ll have to see. Once I get into college, I obviously won’t be sticking around much here so all the arguments regarding food and all should be over. And yes, my relationship with Jerry is not merely an online communication for me. At the very least, it is the only thing I wish to earn back or to die trying. Take care and get well soon.

Humour – Thanks for the kind words and advice. We think quite alike in this regard. I have, in fact been trying to be neutral. For the last few weeks I was watching a few films and old animated shows to try take my mind off these things. It does work temporarily. But then my schedule is simply so cumbersome and stressful that I can’t reduce its effects much. I need to go out for 4-5 hours of classes and library sessions in this scorching heat everyday from morning to late evening. On top of it my relationship troubles which are like an omnipresent stabbing knife in my heart. Let’s see what happens. I’m not very hopeful for anything good.

Cannot do it without my parents’ approval. It was their only dream that I become a doctor. Mine too, if I were honest. Just that the bad experience of all these years has left a sour taste. After coming so far, I just feel I need to round it up well and finish the job. But if I were to leave, I don’t know if it’ll do much good. The chronic depression and pain are not going to go anywhere anytime soon. I’m feeling angry at myself for letting myself be so short tempered and emotionally vulnerable. If I valued someone so much, I ought not to have behaved like that. The memories are haunting me day and night.

It’s true, Anita. I do go out for a morning walk daily, am doing exercise and also got a couple of friends at the library that I talk to, discuss movies with. But that cannot go on always. Once I find myself alone, the depression strikes back full time. I feel so frustrated knowing that all of this career quagmire is a non-issue created just due to nonsense… just because I was not supposed to go out. Otherwise I would have had a degree by now and none of these problems would’ve existed.

I still find myself thinking if I had controlled my possessiveness and remained happy having Jerry as a sister only, she would still be with me. I think if her cousin brother was not there then none of this would’ve happened, and feel guilty for thinking so. But then I think… even if it were like that, what would have I felt when the inevitable news of her getting married to someone else came someday in the future? And all this stuff she said about me lusting after our fav actress and all, maybe she already had in mind all along. If I am blessed, maybe her misconceptions too can be cleared somehow. Either way it’s all taking a huge toll on me physically and mentally.

Thanks Anita for the kind words. I know we both are at fault in different ways, but I cannot forget how I hurt her saying those horrible things like “may your tongue rot”. Though I know we would have patched up by now if that were the sole issue… I do not know how to make her understand that what she’s doing is wrong. She’s calmly going about her life with no regrets, so is her sister and my friends and everyone else… I’m the only one being stabbed day and night by guilt and love. If only we could be reunited by some miracle, I swear I’ll wish for nothing else in my life.

I don’t know how to maintain momentum in my studies until the July 24 exam. Life has become so monotonous and depressing that I no longer am enjoying music, films, books or anything else that I used to love. I don’t feel like doing anything except wasting myself away locked in my room. And yet I know I’m just screwing my life if I do that… so as usual I need to put aside my emotions and continue to study. My schoolmates are all settled with great jobs, quite a few are married with children, one guy has risen to become a singing sensation all over India and his posters are all over our city. And here am I, doing nothing but studying for premedical fruitlessly from 2007 and going about various wild goose chases, locked up in my room with a huge paunch and short temper. It’s so depressing.