I know. It’s true that feeling distressed and angry is but natural when facing such unpleasant situations; especially the feeling of powerlessness, as you said. But I wish I possessed enough self-control not to cause additional damage and trouble due to the anger. On being hit, I imagine a person with sufficient self-confidence wouldn’t get angry immediately, or go home and keep mulling over the incident in their head thinking of things they should’ve said/done, or take the anger out on innocent people. I guess it’s a lasting result of that encounter with our neighbour I had. It causes dreadful damage and I need to eventually control it by gaining more confidence.

Health issues… I’m having mouth ulcers, indigestion, hair fall, exhaustion since quite a while. It isn’t surprising considering the extreme stress and lack of proper exercise here.

Thanks again, Anita. I know that this stress is a natural consequence of the things that have been happening from long. For now, am just trying to calm myself because its taking a heavy physical and emotional toll on me. I’m trying to keep studies limited for a few days and focus a bit on relaxing, something I’ve not done for several months. I want to gradually control the negativity. At least I do know that if I qualify the July exam, the problems on my career front will largely be in control. That is the goal I want to achieve, and it requires control of the present situation that is proving hard for me.

I know that my dad and Jerry haven’t been blameless… but neither have I. It feels terrible to see a loved one suffering, no matter whose fault it is. I just wish everything becomes normal and fine eventually. Whatever is in my control here, am trying to do somehow. The things which aren’t, I can only hope for.

I’m feeling the old temper seeping back. I’m sick of my situation and I’m irrationally feeling full of rage towards everyone… my grandma, parents, Jerry, her sister, her cousin, the college fraud, the judge who cancelled our exams, and most importantly myself. I’ve even temporarily lost regret for my ugly outburst on Jerry, and I’m feeling that same vicious rage towards her again for no particular reason. I lost my temper over grandma for pestering me regarding food, smashed a couple of empty soft drink bottles in anger. I’m going over every thing that hurt me during these times in my mind and it’s turning my mental state worse. Doesn’t help that the temperature is nearing 45 degrees here and I wish I could’ve just rested a bit… but my parents keep forcing me to go study all alone at the tuition library for 10-11 hours a day. I know its for my good only as I need to crack that damn exam or be a prisoner for life. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I know. Just need to clarify that by wanting love, I did not mean physical intimacy and all. I never intended or felt such things for her. I do admit that I wished to meet her, hold hands and hug her. Hearing her laugh on the phone made me experience a feeling of love and affection I never felt before, and cannot describe in words. But it’s the sad truth that still continues to face me. Even if I somehow had gotten everything I wanted, I still am stuck here as badly as ever, told to study, study, study endlessly. The few friends I have just lecture me that it’s my duty to do that because I’m my parents’ only child and they’re dependent on me to take care of them later. If I get frustrated with my situation, mom lectures me – “all kids out there are studying, your cousins are studying, its your duty to do the same without argument”. Not one person cares that I too have/had dreams and wishes of my own.

I’ve been reading some anger/emotion management articles here because I’ve realized I’m affected much by her sister calling me a pervert and saying stuff like “the girls you call sisters must be aware as you can change your feelings and lust for them anytime”, “the Internet is a dangerous place due to masked backstabbers like you”. My other friend suggested me to ignore her words because she’s just an immature 15 year old girl. But I don’t know why I’ve taken these words to heart and feel miserable. I’m feeling it stems from my deep insecurities.

Thanks for the encouraging words, Anita. And yup, the population of our country is nearing 3 billion now. I honestly don’t care where I stand among them or in the world population. Making myself stick out in a crowd, or be the life of a party… I never felt like that. I always preferred to be alone and quiet in my own world, with the few people I care for and the few material comforts I’m addicted to (cell phone, computer, music collection). I just do know the only person I loved more than anybody in my life, I’ve almost certainly have lost thanks to my own greediness and idiocy, partly her lack of understanding. Whatever positive virtues I may have, are useless for me if I cannot have her back. I feel nothing but sick thinking of July; I’m truly exasperated with this career issue. My patience is being tested beyond limits. I don’t know what good sharing with the other three is going to do; the damage is done. I can see nothing but more and more misery up ahead. I wish I could just get a temporary break from all this, which is impossible.

We got news late yesterday that there have been more changes regarding my exam, and most likely I’ll have to take the new one being held on July 24 now. That one is a whole lot tougher than what I had been preparing for, and will require extra effort in these two months. I’m seriously feeling sick. I had hoped to be done with exams next week and get some time off, but now I have to slog an extra 2 months working even harder, and if I don’t make it then yet another year of strenuous preparation awaits me. I feel so angry, frustrated and ill-tempered knowing that certain family members of mine made me get abysmal home tutoring back when I was still green and enthusiastic and had the full potential to qualify these same exams, just because they didn’t want me to go out of home because nothing is more important than food and sleep, apparently.

All that while the depression returned in full force when I remembered her wishing me and sending gifts so sweetly last year, now she’s acting like I don’t exist. And tomorrow is her brother’s birthday and she must be busy lovingly preparing for it without caring that someone she once loved as much as him, she’s now ditched just because I committed the great sin of loving her more than a sister. Maybe it’s my payback for being “greedy” and wishing more than being just a brother to her. I know I should have valued her far more than I did. But I did my best to apologize and make up to her and I truly am doing my best to change myself just for her, discussing my flaws here and controlling my use of profanity and temper. I didn’t say a word against her sister piling those accusations on me. If there’s any justice at all in the world then I wish I got one more chance and our bond gets repaired… but I am feeling hopeless.

Sorry for venting out but the stress is getting just so much. My depression is killing me already and the continuous pressure of exams and the “Study! Study! Study!” mantra at home is ticking me off so much. I just want to go away somewhere and get a break from all this.

You already have reached out and been one of the few who has truly helped me survive these darkest of times, Anita. Not exaggerating. I can never be grateful enough. Just 10 days left for my exams and I’m just focusing on my studies now, trying to push everything else from my mind. Somehow all this made me realize that I’m nothing but a worthless sack of waste that has no value any longer, and numbed the pain a bit so I can focus on my studies and just pray that my loved one understands my heart someday.

I do cleaning and washing sometimes, and I can make noodles and tea/coffee. I said to mom that I want to learn preparing vegetables and curry, which she said I can do after exams. There’s one more thing I forgot to mention; I was spoon-fed food until 10th standard. Literally, not kidding. My mom and grandma used to do it and I didn’t feel like eating myself because here the tradition is eating by hand after mixing all the items, which I find revolting. Only later when dad objected saying it’s become a ridiculous thing, I did some other arrangement and finally learned to feed myself.

Even now grandma insists that I have brunch at 11:00 AM and dinner at 7:00 PM sharply, and my parents make me do it because she refuses to eat until I do. Now we’re thinking of just making an excuse and telling her that I’m done with the meals, and then eat at normal time after she goes to sleep.