Well I’m not a “prisoner” in that extreme sense of being confined to my room only. I do go out to study in the library for around 5-6 hours (my parents drop me there) and then walk with dad in the garden during evening discussing studies and other stuff. It’s just that I don’t go out to meet friends or shopping or anything, unlike most people. Truthfully speaking I don’t feel my parents will stop me if I ask to do that. But I myself no longer have the will or confidence to do it. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to receptionists in the shop, for until this day my parents only have always done that. Inertia, as we said.

Essentially correct, yes. Though my grandma is never gonna give that “okay” officially (she denies putting any restrictions on anyone, but when it comes to practice, it’s a different story) so whatever I do has to be without her knowledge or not minding her disapproval. I’m not concerned about that, honestly. I’ll be 27 in a week and obviously the change will have to happen sooner than later. I’m more concerned about the inertia, reclusiveness, lack of confidence and general disinterest and boredom I myself have developed due to all this. I guess I’ve become so boring and dull that most people just don’t feel like hanging around with me. And that leads to the short temper and insecurities, I feel.

That’s very true. That is the reason I started participating in the online forum and found a whole new family. I discovered inner talents I didn’t even know I had. From the oddball everyone mocked in school, I became a beloved brother to so many people. I found her, someone I love more than my own life. Now, as a result of this fiasco, that world seems lost to me and has left me with even more pain and misery than before. That coupled with this exam trouble, no wonder my life has become a living hell.

My parents just keep repeating this same thing… “get selected in the exam and we’ll give you freedom, you will get anything you want then. But first, selection.” That selection seems a distant holy grail right now.

Yes Anita. Honestly speaking, I don’t care whether the accusations are unreasonable or whether they hurt me. I’ve wronged her far, far more and she had to put up with much more horrible stuff from me. I would gladly accept everything as my fault but I don’t know how it’s going to solve this issue. I hope she did not take my “please don’t message” part as wanting to break contact/relations… I only wanted to say that discussion is useless until she tries to understand what I’m saying. She’s not replied yet. I don’t know what to do. Feeling really dreadful.

She messaged this: (the rest of it was just repeated from last time)
“I can’t take this. You know I don’t like certain things and what I came to know about your feelings, including you asking if I’m comfortable with you, made me understand what you’re thinking. I know what (our mutual friend) told me was what he understood you felt. We may not have been on formal terms, but we weren’t so informal for you to get wrong feelings. I have no anger on you as I don’t keep anything in mind. If you want, you may message me anytime on FB but not related to this.”

My reply – “The *certain things* in question involve me being a pervert and lustful beast, if I’m not mistaken? I’m sorry, sis. I cannot stop you making theories about my feelings, altering facts to suit your views and holding whatever beliefs you do. But you should know they don’t change the truth. I may have committed the “sin” of loving you more than a sister, but I know why I did it and my heart knows it wasn’t out of vile intention. If you want to believe it’s lust, I can’t change your views. Please don’t message me unless you put aside your preconceived beliefs and try to look beyond them. I love you always, no matter what you think of me and I pray everything will be right eventually. Take care.”

I hope my reply was not harsh, Anita? 🙁 I did not want to hurt her or write anything like that. If accepting everything as my fault could solve it, I’d gladly do it. But I don’t know why she’s feeling I had perverted thoughts and I only wanted to ask her to put aside her preconceived notions and think honestly, as the discussion is pointless unless she does it. I hope she did not take my message wrongly… I was not angry or upset, just trying to make her understand but reading it now, I’m feeling afraid. I cried half the day and could not study at all.

You bet. She’s immature and not trying to put aside her preconceived notions and understand what I’m trying to say. I guess her sister is affirming her confirmation bias and that’s elevating this issue. I just tried to clear this issue and tried to make her understand I’ve pushed away my feelings for her and that I genuinely care for her. At least she’s not sent me any negative reply, which she probably would’ve done if she decisively wanted to leave me… hopefully a small solace. I did what I could. Just praying for the best.

Regarding the exam, nothing is certain. I really don’t like the idea of leaving my country but if there’s no other option left, I may have no choice. Let’s see what happens. It’s just terrible that we study a whole year only to see this happen. Just feeling extremely down and depressed at the moment due to the cumulative effect of everything. Everything has only went from bad to worse for me this year so far. Thanks a lot for the support, Anita.

You are right, Anita. I’m not a romantic person myself (in fact I always disliked the romantic portions of films and books) and I never expected that I will ever feel this way for any girl. Moreover you know that the word romance is stereotypically associated with things like physical intimacy, kissing, flirting and all now… and in a culture like ours, it’s taboo numero uno among conservative people. Even a few of my other friends said they’ll break relations with anyone who loves them romantically. That’s why I kept telling myself that my increasing affection for her was just brotherly in nature, when somewhere inside I knew that it wasn’t so. She and her sister accuse me of “changing relations” when in fact I never said anything at all to her, though I admit I stopped calling her sis (for a different reason initially) and wasn’t able to conceal my affection well.

I know that the future is bleak. But I don’t know how I can ask her father for her hand in marriage without her consent. I don’t wish to force anything upon her. Moreover by the time I’m good enough to do that, she may be in love with someone else or her parents may arrange her marriage with someone. She did hint to me that she’s okay with being together again if we have a platonic bond again, but she doesn’t trust me to get rid of my feelings. I just wish to be with her again… if it means suppressing of my feelings for now, so be it. I’ll never speak of them to her again and if worst comes to worst, I’ll suppress the pain and live with being a second rate brother and seeing her married to someone else. I just don’t wish to lose her. She can never realize fully what she means to me.

Regarding the love… I am reminded of a heart-wrenching scene from Harry Potter where Dumbledore tells him that the pain of losing a loved one is what proves that we’re actually human. And Harry yells, “then I don’t want to be human”. I won’t ever love anybody again, if I lose her. The pain and torture is beyond what I can bear.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.