Agreed Anita. Quoting Dumbledore from Harry Potter… “it’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing else.” That uncertainty and doubt certainly inspires fear like nothing else does. Presently there’s only one thing that produces such fear in me. You know what it is. The rest I can manage and at least taking your advice and my own resolution, am doing my best not to let it affect my studies. By trying to be positive, I am managing to control this fear so far. I do run to extra food in these times. Can’t help it. 😛

As an aside, am also trying to get rid of my lifelong voracious habit of biting nails to stubs. Perhaps gaining a little more confidence that way can help in some manner.

Pretty imperfectly. The “inner critic” won’t leave me alone. It’s surprising how despite knowing that this voice is wrong and only causes trouble, I find myself going with its advice in heated moments. It caused me to do all those horrible things and now accuses me for doing all those.

I don’t even know if I would call it bullying, or if there really are any prisoners or jailors or whatever. My personal observation is that the majority of it, from both sides, is merely creating problems where there are none. She complains about them, they complain about her. Both sides have some valid complaints and also have done things I feel they shouldn’t have. At the end, I am not interested in these family politics but I get sandwiched in between, and the result is here to see. Both sides claim I have my freedom as far as they’re concerned, and it’s only the other side not letting me be free. And of course nobody likes at all to be blamed (except dad who does accept his faults). Especially my mom… it’s a sin against nature to blame her of anything at all. Now that the time for freedom is hopefully near, I’m not mulling over this as much.

The home I will have someday… I don’t really wish to think of it. I knew whom I wanted to make that home with. And I don’t wish to have lost her directly or indirectly as a result of all this. Only when she’s with me, I can consider my home complete. Right now, as we discussed, trying to be optimistic and focus on the only step I have power over – the exams.

You are very right about that, Anita. I had never really thought of it that way. I cannot really comment on its veracity since I’ve not practically tested it myself, but my parents often say – “if it weren’t for fear of your grandma’s anger, we’d have given you freedom long back”. But there was this incident back in school days when I was cycling to school and met with a small accident. When I came home, my grandma didn’t say anything but my mom shouted at me and after that, I had to reduce going out on cycle and completely stopped after leaving school.

Now sadly, it’s not just due to family but as a result of the inertia developed from years of this situation, I myself don’t feel like going out anywhere. I don’t feel like attending parties or even visiting friends, and merely sit at home on the PC or reading books. I don’t feel like I have confidence to even to go to a shop and buy something since I was never given money to use and to this day, if I ever needed anything, it was always my parents paying next to me with the wallet, never me. I guess the neighbour was right in a way saying I’ve become a dummy. Will take a good deal of time to change myself, and then become independent in true sense of the word.

Yes, I’ve read about this inner critic thing. It’s so strange that despite knowing this voice is not your friend and only causes damage and chaos, you can’t help but listen to it. As a matter of fact, the very first time I read about this was back in 2008… the very next day after that neighbour abused me. I was searching online for something else and just happened to come across a website explaining about this issue. It helped a lot because at the time, understandably, the inner critic was tormenting me for not standing up to the neighbour. Looks like nearly 8 years from them, I’m facing the same situation again.

I agree that honest communication between two people almost always achieves the best results. One of my teachers always tells me, that people who tell you the bitter truth despite knowing you would feel hurt, are your greatest well-wishers. I don’t think any person in the world would want to be in a relationship with a pathologically obsessed person who only talks of depressing/suicidal things. Most definitely she’ll feel so bad if she knows I spoiled my exams due to this issue. Might even feel it’s best to never come back, for my own good. For sake of the good that I firmly believe is still in there, I will definitely change my attitude. Your post helped a lot in me making this decision, Anita. Genuine thanks from me. 🙂

Regarding my family, I feel their intentions have always been good but they feel that it’s only they who know best for me, and I don’t. So in order to make me do what they felt is right for me (like the college issue), they did get manipulative in some instances. And also… my mom ignoring the very real issues with my attitude and pushing me to study, I do feel even that’s a kind of obsession.

I understand what it comes across as, Anita. I would be lying if I didn’t admit I myself hadn’t felt this way at some point. “I wish I had never started watching that show at all, never participated in that forum, never became a fan of that actor… none of this would’ve happened”. That sort of feeling. But analyzing it deeply, I can see that I’m only deluding myself. Everything did happen for a reason. I know that I suffered, but I also learned more than I can express. She learned from me, I learned from her. Be it patience, understanding, working together, not giving up hope, knowing who’re your allies and enemies, sacrifice, the joy of togetherness… everything, I practically experienced with her. It surely did make me a better person in many ways, more than I can express here. It did make me confident when we worked together and I was able to do things I never imagined I otherwise could, all thanks to her encouragement. I may not have been able to be independent in my real life here with my family, but whatever I did online was my independent work, thanks to her and others too. The inner flaws in my personality due to my upbringing were always there, even if I had never met her, and they would’ve turned up at some point or the other in my life. I’m glad they turned up sooner rather than later.

There is nothing wrong with “fantasy”. Everything we discussed did have some practical thought. I guess it’s just my flaw of being overly pessimistic in thought and word, something I’ve always done from childhood. I know the cat is out of the box and her reaction was more out of fear than anything. But like you said, and my friends remind, she’s still very young and in terms of the long run of life, our relation has barely started. Doesn’t mean she’ll always be upset with me or keep thinking like this. I don’t want to do any haste and cause more damage. Gave it a lot of thought today and at least managed to calm myself to an extent reminding myself of this. Managed to study well too, as a result.

I won’t post about her, if you say. But I surely won’t call it an obsession or sickness now. It had become that, during the past few months when I got overly possessive, caused the fight and now when I started posting here. I’m trying to move ahead of that and be calm in my approach. At least I won’t ever regret our relation, no matter what happens.

I don’t feel it’s of any use keeping that imaginary sight in mind, which will just cause more pain. 🙁 Truthfully, I’m not imagining anything of that sort right now. I just wish we were back on talking terms at least first. Enough to send a good morning/night to each other or something. The rest I can worry about later. I was considering sending her the message via a friend, so she may or may not be quiet. But I don’t feel her reply will be positive either. It hurts whether I try to contact her or stay away. I don’t know what to do.