Read “Men Who can’t Love.” Even reading reviews online will help you.

My ex broke us up after a year of bliss. I never saw it coming. I have ordered the book, don’t have it yet, but just reading the many reviews on A m a z o n, I can tell it’s written about him. It doesn’t make all the pain go away if you find out he’s a commitmentphobe but at least you no longer blame yourself.

Be strong. You are not alone.

In the popular cases where one half of the relationship pushes a breakup and it completely blindsides the other half, know that the ‘dumper’ typically has been making up their mind over an extended period of time. Why would you even want to be with someone like this – someone incapable of including you in their concerns, queries, and anxieties about where the relationship was and where it was headed. These people were in a relationship with themselves and personally I would not want any closure from someone as conceited as this.

I have only read your initial post so far, not the replies yet, but wanted to say, the above statement really struck a chord with me. I have read it before but it bears repeat reading. My man of 1 year broke us up 6 weeks ago for no apparent reason. I went to his house twice after the breakup to get answers to the “why”. Of course, his answers (such as they were) were extremely vague. He wasn’t about to tell me his shopping list of ‘reasons’ and may in fact, not have even known himself.

I since (after those two conversations) realized he’s an avoidant attachment type which helps explain some of it. Avoidants feel suffocated, over criticize their partner, and fear intimacy. They are going to run, no matter how good things were for most of the r’ship. I wish I had known he’s an avoidant while we were together; I would have handled some things much differently. It might not have made a difference in the end, but it might have.

Anyway I digress. I agree that someone who internalizes all sorts of issues/problems w/ the r’ship and their partner, and then springs it on you to end it, is not someone who has any clue how to communicate, how to relate, etc. For most of our r’ship we talked things over, and he said it’s the first r’ship he ever had where that was the case (and he claimed how much he loved that aspect of me). And yet unknown to me, he was harboring all these negatives about me and our r’ship to the point of ending it. So heartbreaking. 🙁

What’s even sadder about this is at 54 this guy constantly whines that he’s “cursed” and cannot keep a r’ship. Gee, I wonder why. He runs at the first sign of commitment/true intimacy. He nitpicks and criticizes (not verbally, he rarely said anything to me, but he was keeping score in his head) and you go from being the girl of his dreams to someone he wonders how he ever wanted to be with. He’s extremely wrapped up in his own life (working lots of overtime, fishing, hunting, helping friends, hanging w/ the guys, fixing his own and his daughter’s car, doing lawnwork etc) and said flat out he “doesn’t have time for a r’ship”. Yet while we were together, esp at the beginning, he would lament how hard it was to not have a partner and have that sharing of duties, conversations, etc. He so looked forward (so he said) to being a partnership. Yea sure!

He’s going to be a lonely old man, sad to say, until he realizes his attachment style and r’ship patterns. Even so, I would give anything to have another chance with him.