Been 8 years, still can't get over it...

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This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by requin.

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July 24, 2014 at 11:01 pm #61707

Kristopher
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The condenced version is I met my ex summer of ’97, I was 2 months removed from finding out that my high school girlfriend and I’s child , who was 2 at the time, wasn’t mine. I was broken. We never really had the “big” fight on account of she got killed three months later in a car accident. I know that part of my problem, but back to the ex I’m having trouble from moving on from, her and I were together for 5 years, knew each other and dated on and off for the first five years. We moved in together, got engaged, everything. A year after living together she moves out and back with her folks. We kept in contact, I thought we were working it out, a then she disappears for a week. No phone calls, nothing. Finally she calls me back and tells me she hooked up with a guy back from the army that she would date back before we got serious. That’s it. No real answers, no I’m sorry, just that it, stop calling. That happened in October of 2004. Fast forward to know, July 2014, and I’m still hung up on her. I’ve dated since, no real relationship, immerged myself in family and friends, partied my ass off, done it all. I found out today she married the guy in 2012, it really is easy to find people on the Internet. So what the bells my problem? I’ve tried to “man up” but she has real estate in my head, hell, I’m up writing this hoping it helps when I should be in bed. Any advice old be awesome! Thanks for reading me whine.

July 24, 2014 at 11:13 pm #61709

NehaMehra
Participant

First of all, i am sorry to break this out to you, the girl doesn’t give a shit about you and that’s the real truth.If she did, she could never take that step but she did so instead of hurting yourself, why not start living your life.
I am sure you fell in love with the girl but she didn’t because if she was, you cannot stay away from people whom you love, it is just not possible. What you went through, i have gone through that and i did all the things you did but that way i realised that i was wasting so much of my energy and time doing things just to get over with something. If i see your ex life, she is happy but if you see yourself you’re not.
You gotta love yourself first mate because if you won’t than who will? Instead of wasting your time thinking about that girl, start living.I have this video that i would like to share with you which i think will help you to get over with what you are going through http://viralexpose.com/motivational/this-video-shows-us-why-we-should-stop-worrying-and-start-living/

Also one last advice my grandfather gave me when i went through the same thing you are going through- He said me to focus on myself and give less attention to those who just needs you according to their behavior. Kristopher, it is time for you to live for yourself ..Goodluck bud

July 24, 2014 at 11:27 pm #61711

The Ruminant
Participant

Kristopher,

You are being quite hard on yourself, talking about whining and manning up. The things that you’ve been through have been painful and hurtful, so hurting is normal. You can try to run away from it, but it’ll be there until you acknowledge it and accept it.

It’s usually not just that one particular thing that has happened that brings the hurt. There’s a chance that it’s not really her that holds any special place in your heart, but she abandoned you without a warning, and that can trigger some major fears, including reviving all past fears of abandonment.

There’s a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (which I recommend, it’s by Susan Anderson), which has some interesting thoughts about how a sudden break-up can all of a sudden be completely devastating, even if it hadn’t been a very important relationship. All the past hurts and fears that have been left unresolved all of a sudden come to the surface again, and the whole thing becomes a much bigger issue than it actually was. Smaller past traumas, all the way from childhood to present day, become one big bundle of dramas to be faced and resolved. After such experience, you can get stuck mentally, sort of in a state of fear, like in PTSD. There is nothing uncommon about that, so give yourself a break and don’t make things even more difficult by blaming yourself over getting stuck.

Do you do any self-nurturing? Men probably aren’t taught to do such things, which is a real shame. Be kind to yourself and to your heart. Instead of drowning yourself in the outside world and keeping busy, try to just be still for a while to find peace. You’ll have lots of thoughts popping into your head when you’re silent, but you’ll just need to allow those thoughts to come and go, to pass through your mind, without holding onto them. That is how you become the master of your own mind, yourself and your own life.

If possible, look for some local meditation groups, where there is a guide to assist you on how to approach and deal with silence and the thoughts that come to your mind. There are also some exercises in that book I mentioned.

Facing your fears isn’t easy and requires courage, but if you don’t face them, they’ll stay at the back of your mind, hampering your efforts in life.

July 24, 2014 at 11:58 pm #61720

Rahel
Participant

All the above said answer are true.. I would just say that when she moved away from u to someone else. So U too have to move forward. That doesnt mean u have to date with someone..Try to strive hard to achieve greater in life that can be in terms of career, family life, personal life, ur hobby, passion, making friends etc. and show her ur achievements. You still think of her because u have innocent heart to still love her. Everything happens for the betterment, if u would have married her, your life would have been more miserable, you dont know. Give time and space to yourself and try to move ahead in your life. Might be this was an opportunity from god to understand urself. Praise god all the happenings in your life.

July 25, 2014 at 12:08 am #61722

Kristopher
Participant

Looking back over the past 10 years, doing all my psycho analyzing, I’m not sure I was happy. I mean I thought I was, but I see old home movies and pictures, and it makes me second guess the whole relationship. Maybe that’s part of it, maybe that’s me trying to lie to myself that it wasn’t as major as I think it was based on how easy she moved on from me. I mean how in the hell do you just wake up on day and decide to throw the previous 10 years out the window?

July 25, 2014 at 3:28 am #61727

ztwilliams
Participant

Hello Kristopher,

The Ruminant gave you very good suggestions. Allow yourself to feel and grieve. Don’t fight it. Healing takes time and we are all different in what effects us and how long it takes us to accept something.

Nurture yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself – the same way you would if were helping a friend who was recovering from something. Spend time in quiet and stillness, if possible in nature. Celebrate the fact that you have so much love in you. Enjoy it and indulge in it for yourself.

Peace and strength to you.

July 25, 2014 at 5:37 am #61730

Anonymous
Participant

Just my $0.02…

When we imagine experiences and conversations with people it feels real to our mind, as if these things actually happened. Do this for years and we build a significant amount of memories. We then project into the future and make those projections based on “past experiences” that were not real.

I believe we do this because it allows our mind to “escape”. It is like taking a drug. But, it is not a “relationship”. That would require acceptance and giving, none of which is happening when we are imagining in our head.

Take heart that when we do see the person they cannot live up to our expectations, and when anything does not meet our expectations we become angry.

My advice is to perform the Buddhist teachings to be present. It will be painful to lose the “imagination drug” but the “drug” is blocking us off to the sunlight of the spirit.

July 25, 2014 at 9:33 am #61745

requin
Participant

It sounds like she’s a commitmentphobe. Men are often labelled that, but women can definitely be that too.
Try reading reviews of a book called “Men who Can’t Love”. Yes it’s about men, but you might see your ex’s behavior there. It might help you.

My ex left me unexpectedly after a year of bliss. I never saw the breakup coming and have been a mess ever since, wondering why, what did I do wrong, etc. It’s been about 2 months since the breakup. I’ve ordered the above book. But even reading the many reviews on A m a z o n have helped a lot. I’m sure now he is a commitmentphobe, also known as a love avoidant (I have books on avoidants too). Knowing they cannot commit because of some inner issue makes it easier because you don’t blame yourself.

Oh and just cuz she married another guy doesn’t mean they will leave happily ever after. If she IS a commitmentphobe, they won’t. But you do have to move on, as everyone has suggested. She won’t change. Hopefully this knowledge will give you peace.
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