Dear Anita

again thank you for youre answer

the thing is, that i am not willing to answer the obesessive thinking (anymore) and i want to control it and i think that i learnd how to do so by spending time not thinking about it and then answering my real questions after im myself again.

i know for a fact that until i was 19 i had crushes about boys all the time as well as after that, even though i remmember that i was wondering many times (not always) what is arousing about tha male body whan i had intercourse with a man (and this was very disturbing to me) or it was the act itsef that was arousing for me and not the man .i will say that i was always looking for man attention, wanted to talk to them, wanted for them to like me (if i liked them and even if i didnt), wanted to thouch some of them, missed a beat when i saw someone i liked, had dreams about a prince charming.

i want to end this/control it so i can have a calm and happy life, i know life can be enjoyable.

deep inside – i do not want to be a bisexual or lesbian, it scares me and im much more calm if i believe that im straight

i really want just to answer myself so if these thoughts will ever return i would know how to control my next thought , and not end up really miserable. OR to know if i am denying my real attraction.

when you quoted :

*Homosexual thoughts are repulsive to you, rather than arousing…

“Typical Homosexual characteristics include: *Homosexual thoughts are enjoyable and/or arousing to the person, even if they hide their sexual orientation from others or are ashamed of it *

as i mentiond before, i get aroused by breasts (not of a specific woman) and fantasies, stories about the first time of  a lesbian expiriance, and by seeing (not even feeling) my breasts touched by the man i has intercourse with.

therefor i can not say that: “homosexual thoughts are repulsive to you, rather than arousing”.

thats when i realize that it might not be obsessive thought, and thats what makes me worry so much – i fit to the enjoyable and/or arousing and it might not be intrusing thought rater than real attraction and i might be denying it.

after thinking about it these days i started seeing other weman as attractive and “maybe i sould ask her out?” feeling i didnt feel before, and it comes with a strong manly feeling like im a man inside and not woman for feeling like this (i dont know if all of this coalesces with HOCD, i think its not ) and i am ashamed of it when thinking about it
i dont find having intercourse with a woman as a thing i want in my life and i feel nothing for other parts of woman, but i than thinking maybe its new to me and i will need to get used to all things involved with having intercourse with woman?
it is very confusing because as you said- i did not in my entire life wanted to be with a girl/kiss/touch or any other thing

I remember that when i was young (about 10) i saw a TV show where a woman had very large fack breasts under her Tshirt, and i very curious, and thought about it a lot. thats another fact that made me overthink about every feeling and behavior from my past as a sign theat i am attracted to woman and not to man (thats an intrussive thought- i think)

most of my searches online is – am i gay for this attraction/is it normal for a stright woman to have this/how weman are aroused by man (to compare to my feelings) and so on – wanting to figure out if anybody else feels the same and if they have conclusions .

hope you will find this not a part of my obsessive questioning, rather than halping me sort things out.

deeply thanking you, RO