Hi Anita, Elina,

Thank you so much for your replies. It moves me that you are so understanding and empathetic.

With regards to a support group, it is a bit hard since my university is located back home and not in this country. You are definitely right about finding friends outside of work. I have pushed myself to explore activities in the area that would be interesting to meet people, and next week I will make an effort to go to one yoga class and a concert in a local art and music venue. I am really looking forward to that.

I am also making an effort to message my friends back home every week. That really helps. They all knew my deceased friend very well, so we all understand what we are going through.

I think my friend’s death just hit me very hard and brought a lot of things that I was struggling with to the surface as well. There’s the feeling of sadness that she is not there anymore, and the shock, horror, guilt and sadness of her suicide. Partially, I know that she was struggling a lot with her sensitivity and empathy in a world that can be very hard. She was always there for others, but completely wore herself out with the pressure she felt to succeed in her fine arts education, living in a big city, financial worries, health problems and the feeling of not fitting in due to her introverted and sensitive nature.

Strangely enough her story resembles the story of another friend of mine, who I lost 2 years ago to suicide. His mother once told me that his cause of death was an overdose of empathy.

These stories just really alert myself that I should take good care of myself and my friends. A lot of us have this sensitivity and introverted tendency, and unwillingness to “fight” in this world. But, sometimes you have to defend yourself if the world is fighting you.

I have been very stressed for the past months, before this happened, due to everything in my life being insecure. I might or might not get this job and stay in this country. I didn’t have a long-term address and moved 3 times in one month, had a landlord who refused to return my deposit which impacts my finances a lot, relationship problems, worry over older family members in ill health. On top off that my first career job in a new country and finishing my degree. And then this happened.

I guess the most important thing is to take it day by day and appreciate what I have. I now live in a tiny room that faces the south, so the sun usually shines into my room. Over the past months I also bought some nice things for myself, which I still really love. A bluetooth speaker in my favourite colour, so that I can listen to soothing music. My new leather wallet that I found in an outlet, which is just so nicely crafted that I enjoy it every single moment. Some of my favourite clothes in colours and materials that I can’t get enough of. My favourite perfume that my mom gifted me. My belongings here fit into three suitcases, so these small material luxuries really make me happy.

That’s what I want to do the upcoming month: work hard, but not worry about unimportant things. The relationship is currently on a break, which gives me a lot of peace. I have help to get my deposit back from the previous landlord. I almost certainly have found a nice apartment to move into once I am a permanent employee here. If I focus on graduating and performing well on the job, I will probably be able to stay.

Just taking it one day at a time, and not pressuring myself too much with trying to act bubbly and extroverted, and other silly things. Just being.