I don’t know that I have the wisdom and sage advice of some of the members here on the forum. But I do know a thing or two about hate and anger and a resistance to forgive. My story is nothing compared to your losses, although I have had similar betrayal by the love of my life and in a similar way.

Perhaps this story can illustrate some fundamental ideas and how I started to approach all my resentments and hate. About 40 -50 yrs ago I was at the park with my best friend and we were playing baseball with some other kids we really didn’t know all that well. When we were done, we jumped on our bikes and took off to go home for dinner. When I pulled up in front of my house I realized my favorite baseball mitt wasn’t on my handlebars. I remembered exactly where I left it, laying on the park benches by the swings, and took off to retrieve it. When I got to the park it was GONE !!! You gotta understand, this wasn’t any mitt, this was THE mitt. This was a gift from a friend of the family. Dennis was the son of my parents best friends and a lot older than me. He gifted the mitt to me a couple years earlier when he graduated high school and went off to college. Of all the things I owned in my short life, this mitt was the most valuable. First, Dennis was my idol, he was a big kid, he played hard ball in a league and could snatch smoking hot grounders out of the dirt with ease, all because of THE mitt. It was a Wilson 6 finger Louie Aparicio ( the White Sox famous shortstop and my favorite player in the world) model and it was all broke in perfectly. I think you get the picture. One of the boys at the park had shown an interest in it and had asked me to try it out. Of course I refused to let anyone touch it let alone put it on and play with it. So when I returned to find it gone I naturally assumed of course it was he who had removed it from the park bench. The next day in school I found the boy and asked him if he had it and to return it, he said no of course. But I knew for sure he was lying and thus started an almost 30yr hatred of this young fellow.

For approximately 25-30yrs I carried this anger and hate in my heart. Only god knows how enraged I truly was. Anytime a shortstop would make a great play in a ball game I was watching I would remember the mitt and the boy who I knew had stolen it. If someone mentioned Louie Aparicio, dear lord I would cramp up inside like I could tell you. The best way to explain how I felt was to take a wet dishrag and wring the water out by twisting the rag into a knot till yer knuckles turned white. That’s how I felt every time I thought about THE mitt for some 30yrs, till I got to AA. In a meeting one night dealing with Hate, Anger and Resentment the light bulb came on. I finally realized for the first time what I had been doing to myself all those years. Most people go “Really ???” you could let go of that. It’s such a small thing, a silly baseball mitt. But I carried that cross as far as I could, never putting it down, never letting it go. And so I made a mental picture of this guy grown up, living in California while I was still in Chicago. Sitting on the beach in a lawn chair, watching the waves as the sun set on the horizon, drinking a cold beer, relaxed, free of any worries, enjoying the moment and all that life had to offer to soul that was free of trials and tribulation. But me, I was in Chicago, 3ft of snow, wind howling, colder than Hades, and knotting up like the dishrag at the mention of THE mitt. I laugh now when I recant the story and how ridiculous it all seems.

Again I don’t mean to make light of your losses by comparing them to a baseball mitt. But the Anger, Hate and Resentment were all real. Actually I could say you’re justified to carry any feeling you want towards your Ex-husband right now. Look at what he has done, trying to turn your own children against you, sitting in your church…ect ect. My god, is he completely without a heart and compassion. I would venture to say he is for the most part. In which case you are lucky….lucky you found out now. Lucky to be rid of him and his callous demeanor. Lucky to be rid of his cheating and lying. Lucky to be living a life of truth and honesty today instead of one filled with deceit. Lucky to know that you were true to yourself and your children, even if they don’t know it yet themselves. Lucky in the realization that the new woman will probably not get a better deal than you did. Do you really think he has recanted, acknowledged his wrong doing, spent any time on introspection or self analysis. Honestly, do you really think he had changed at all. And if he hasn’t, why would you want to be there, in the middle of all of that. You have an opportunity to start anew. Forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things, don’t confuse them. Forgive, let go and move on. Time is not your enemy but your friend. Each day will get a little better knowing you are better off living in truth. The universe rewards action, no matter what it is. Stay the course, do something for yourself that you enjoy. Take time to heal and to love again. Even though you can’t have the same romantic love as you once had, which actually was an illusion, you can love all that is good in your life and all the good people that are still there for you. Love will find you again, I know it, but only if you rid yourself of the anger and resentment. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is self assured in the knowledge of her love for the affinity of life.

Sorry I was so long winded……Ron