Thanks, Anita, for your kind words and suggestions.  Though this broken heart of mine has taken the wind out of my sails (at least temporarily) and I’m not in a particularly satisfying marriage, I know that my problems in the scheme of things are not that big.  I do have a lot to be grateful for, and in the end my problems are really first world problems.

My daughter does have a couple of friends from high school that she is friends with.  However, these friendships are relatively new, as she didn’t get close to these friends until about a year and a half ago when her friendships with her longtime friends (since elementary school) ended.  Sadly, she got her feelings hurt and rather than communicate with her friends, she just stopped talking to them, even though they tried to apologize and make amends.  She does feel things very strongly but keeps these feelings very private, which concerns me since it isn’t healthy.  She also puts a lot of pressure on herself to succeed and tends to have unrealistic expectations.  For instance, she was convinced she had to get above a 1500 SAT score if she wanted to get into a decent college because “everybody else does,” which is absolutely not true.  So, even though I try to help her have more realistic expectations, I am worried how she will do her first year.  Fortunately, she is only going to school a couple of hours away, but because she isn’t good about communicating when she’s upset and I can’t see her behavior while she away, it will be harder to figure out how well she is faring.

I have suggested she look into clubs to join since they are a great way to meet people.  I hope she will find 2 or 3 good friends to hang out with in college.  She seems to do better in these smaller groups.  We will see how it goes.

Thanks for listening.

Sadiya

Hi Anita and Grenada,

Thank you for  support and insight. It has been very valuable to me.  I thought I had been hiding my emotions well, but last week a co-worker asked if I was ok. She noticed that I seemed off, not my normally cheerful self.  Though I still have moments of despair, I do think I am starting to feel better. And I thank you both for your thoughtful words.

I know that my relationship with R was doomed from the start, though I must admit I hoped it was different. I know he was bored at work, and I definitely was something that made work fun. He had told me this, but still I hoped that there was something more. Other than my husband, he was the only other person that I have been with. He knew this, and so I hoped he understood that I didn’t do things like this casually, though I know that this is foolish. He is also going through a mid-life crisis of sorts lately. He recently quit his job and is trying to figure out his life/career.

I do have to figure out what to do about my marriage. Last year when we were on vacation with his family, his sister jokingly asked me at dinner why I was with him and that I could do better.  I know I stay with him because it’s the easiest and most comfortable thing to do, and that the unknown is scary. But it’s not a good thing if I obviously long for something more. And I don’t want to be in a marriage where I continue to cheat on the side. I would much rather have a relationship that I can be open about.

A legal separation where we lived together for the time being until our youngest was out of school would make the most sense.  We get along well enough that it could be feasible, but I don’t think my husband will agree to this. He tends to make decisions based on what he wants and not necessarily what makes the most financially responsible decision. If it weren’t for our children, the decision would be much easier. But I do have to consider their well being and how a separation would affect them. And so, at this point, I think I have to work towards that goal of separating when our youngest has finished school. And maybe if I’m lucky, perhaps we can work out something before then.

Thanks for book recommendation, Grenada. I will look into it.

Thanks again for your continued support and insights. It really means a lot to me.

Sadiya

And there no chance of reconciliation with R. I think he’s had enough of me, and he’s not the type to change his mind.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the feedback.

In response to your questions, when my husband is working, he makes good money. The problem is that the work is never steady. So we have always had to save for those slow periods, and there is no guarantee the slow periods will end. We do share a bed, but other than a goodnight kiss, there isn’t any affectionate touching.  On a daily basis, we’re fine, but it’s when we have to discuss anything that we disagree on that is the problem. My husband isn’t a bad man, but he’s not the most patient or tactful person and can be rather selfish.  A number of months ago, we got into a fight, and he said that I don’t respect him. At this point, there are times when that is true. However, I pointed out to him that he doesn’t show me any respect. For my 50th birthday, he did nothing for it while for his 60th birthday, I arranged a dinner at a very restaurant with tour kids and bought him a 60″ tv.  Unfortunately, this is typical of our relationship.

In regards to the man I had the affair with, I’m certain he wasn’t married or had kids, and. I very much doubt he had a girlfriend, though I admit it sounds suspicious. He said he didn’t want his cousin to find out, or she would ask questions he didn’t want to answer. I maybe naive, but I do think that is plausible.

When he was at work, we would sometimes go another office he had access to during break or lunch or go for a drive. Things were not bad when he was at work. It was when he stopped going to work around May that problems began. Other than meeting briefly at a mall back in June, we haven’t seen each other since and only texted. About 6 weeks before he ended it, I picked a fight with him. Things were ok for a while until the last week before the break up. Only texting was difficult for me.

Thanks again for the feedback. I’m very grateful.

Sadiya

Thank you so much for the replies. It’s really nice to be able to talk about it, and it means a lot to me.

I have mixed feelings about getting a divorce. On the one hand, the fact that I had an affair is a clear sign that something isn’t right. I do want more from my relationship. On the other hand, if I get divorced, will I really be any better off?  Will I just end up alone and financially stressed?  My kids are both in college. The younger one is starting her first year next week, so we also have college payments to think about.  She has had a tough year emotionally, and I worry what a divorce would do to her. Perhaps after she has finished college would be a better time to separate, but then we also lose another 4 years.  Financially, we don’t have any savings. Several years ago, my husband was not working for about a year and half, which drained whatever savings we did have and put us into debt. He does not have a stable income. My husband is in decent health for someone of his age.  He does have a number of siblings, but none live nearby.

I had never felt the way I had until I met R. He was someone who I was both intellectually stimulated and sexually attracted. He made feel desirable and made me want to be better. But because of my low self-esteem and because I was cheating, I would always say self deprecating comments when he paid me compliments. Because he always wanted to meet at hotels, which we never actually did, I felt like a slut and told him so. The week that let to the break up, I had seen a picture of him online with a wedding ring, and I asked him if there was something he was hiding. The thing is I know he wasn’t married, but I became paranoid. Then a couple days later when we weren’t able to meet up, I tried to call him to figure out when we could meet. He didn’t answer, so I tried again to leave a voicemail. But it went straight to voicemail, and I became paranoid that he had blocked me. I called multiple times and with different numbers. I basically went crazy. Don’t think going on the pill helped.  I just handled everything wrong. Had we been in a normal situation, I don’t think I would have behaved that way. Now he just thinks I’m nuts, which really saddens me, because his opinion mattered to me.