Maybe so, my mother worked abroad when I was little, and there was a war in my country, that’s the moment when the fear might have occured.

It could be so, that my fear originates from sometimes before, but I don’t have any traumas that I remember, it could be that fear occurred earlier than I could remember. Although I think it may not necessarily be so, it might be the fear of death that I awoke. Whatever it is, i feel it’s in my core being, like a conflict in the heart of my very being. I can’t bypass it, I need to resolve it somehow.

I mean suffering in a form of a mental illness or something like that, something we do to ourselves. I think that would be gone. And some other kind of suffering can exist, maybe even mental suffering, but my attitude towards it would be changed, I wouldn’t be jeopardized by it, but rather I would see it just as another part of the flow.

I believe it could be possible in a one experience, the fear could be gone. Yes, when I mean to let my fear do whatever it wants it includes throwing chairs, acting aggressively, but also when that fear of death comes not to run away, but to stay exposed to that fear. It’s damn hard, especially because I live with my parents, so it’s not mine chairs I would throw, but theirs, and they don’t support me in my vision of my state. Problem is, when I meditate and calm down an urge to act aggressively arises. If it wasn’t so I would conclude that I need to suppress that aggression, but when it happens that way, that I become aggressive when I calm myself down, I think I need to express t until I reach the point of inner peace. And I think I have to go through that fear of death. I would like to avoid that confrontation with my aggression and my fear, but I think it’s inevitable. It comes to me, without me wanting it.

I don’t know, I just think I wouldn’t suffer. At least I wouldn’t have the unnecessary suffering, I think my mental struggles would be gone, my panic attacks and my aggression. I expect that, but I don’t know what would happen. I would have to go through the process of a death of an ego to see what would it be like latter. People who have experienced that describe it as a merging with the love and beauty of the universe.

To anyone who might be reading this, I have a new update on my condition. I have allowed myself t throw chairs in my backyard and when I let everything go completely a thoughts: I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, start appearing. I was not afraid I’m really gonna die, I think my ego was afraid for his own death that might occur. I think there is a possibility that my ego may have to die. I just don’t know how will Ii allow it to happen. I order to get to that ‘death of an ego’ state I have to go through aggression again. I feel that my ego can die when I completely let it go.

Dear Anit

Not to grab on my thoughts means just to observe them, let them disappear just as they appeared. Yes, I know about that fight r flight situation. My problem is that I feel i need to let go control over myself completely. That means I can’t rely on an expression of anger through hitting a pillow and stuff like that. I tried that, and it helps a bit, but I still keep control over my own emotions. I don’t let myself feel anything spontaneously, whether it’s happiness or anger. I need to let this control go, that’s what  see as the only way out of the situation. The problem is that when I do it aggression comes out. I will still try to heal my inner child and try to get it to act reasonably, but it’s very hard cause I feel my child is very stubborn and the wounds go very deep. Maybe if I get a better understanding of the situation it will change by itself.

I don’t know really what to do about myself, I have panic attacks in front of everyone except my family and friends and they’re so strong that I feel I could snap, experience a nervous breakdown. I sometimes feel that I need to experience it, cause it’ the only way I will ever let control over myself go. But I don’t know would the nervous breakdown be helpful or harmful n the long run. Maybe it would leave me impaired. Don’t know, if I experience it, I will know then.

You said your mom told you she’l kill herself, that’s a hard trauma for sure. I can’t reach to what causes my inner anger. Maybe it’s impossible to find that out, and even if I’d find it out it would change nothing about my situation. I will still try to resolve this aggression instead of expressing it, but I’m not sure will it work. Maybe I can’t avoid that anger because to completely let go is a scary thing, I get afraid whenever I get close to it. Maybe it’s inevitable to react on that with aggression. I know it’s not acceptable for me, so I’m still searching for ways on how to change it.

I live with my parents currently and my sister.

I agree with you, we stand in a way of us getting healthy. My problem is that when I wanna get out of the way I become aggressive. I feel like I have a wounded child inside of me that hates everyone. Maybe that’s the reason why I become aggressive. But I still don’t know how to resolve it, I can’t reach deep enough to see why does my inner child feels like that. I am trying to change it, and I’m not sure I accept it as it is. I do accept it but don’t accept the expression of the aggression it feels. I’m really stuck on my way because of this trap I feel I’m in. But yes, I do know, nature works without the need to do anything, maybe I should trust the nature more than I do. Maybe the nature can work even though I suppress my aggression. I saw that night when I had that breakthrough that everything is meaningful and that the reality we live in is intelligent and alive. That experience helped me to keep going and for a while I was truly happy. Now I’m stuck where I am, when will I have the courage to do the right thing for me, which is to just let go, I don’t know. Another problem I have is that I have no occupation of any kind, I just get up and drink coffees. I do walk in nature and spend time there, since I’m in a village, there’s nature around my house, but I don’t think that’s enough, I need something concrete. But it’s hard to find something to do in a remote village, especially when you have nystagmus and panic attacks. Maybe I will start reading a book or something, just to get my thoughts away from constant focus on my issues. I have lost that feeling of being content or excited about something, nothing fulfils me here, there’s nothing I love I could do. I’m in a way lost in life. But I’m trying to find my way, and as long as I’m trying I have a chance to find it. Btw thanks for sharing your experience with me.