I am in a similar situation. I believe my partner’s negativity is a form of insecurity. I find myself avoiding time together and I’m beginning to feel like it’s affecting my health.

I’m outlining some of the things I have tried, this is not to show how amazing I am and how impossible she is. She is a kind, loving beautiful soul who seems challenged by her current situation and I want to help us both get through this.

I have expressed how it makes me feel; set boundaries; no “making fun” or hearsay; requested that the negative stories be related to her feelings around what happened and how it affects her, not be about what others have done wrong when she’s not willing to take any responsibility and no “back biting” or gossip; negotiated a time limit for negative talk; requesting that permission be asked before a monologue; inquiring about her feelings; asking if she would like to consider solutions to the wrong doings of her co-workers; I’ve read books; done research; gone to therapy; invited her to therapy and to read communication books with me; giving positive feedback; encouraging her when she speaks kindly of others; suggested she go out with friends and “vent” so the negativity isn’t coming home every day; I’ve just listened and asked how it made her feel. It is our first contact, upon waking, immediately after work and if we’re going for a walk.

Her reaction was to accuse me of “not being there for her”, “I can’t handle anything negative and she feels like she can’t talk to me about her daily challenges”. She said her communication style of venting is “just what girls do”. I am a girl too and I admitted that although I’ve been guilty of this behavior in my past, a brave friend called me on it and when I saw “me” through their eyes, I worked to change. I am aware that my communication skills are challenged in this realm and I welcome advise. I am awkward with expressing things that may be hurtful, I am working on this too.

I don’t want to blame her, I have my part. I’ve been in fear of disappointing her and have not been consistent with the “rules” we agreed upon. I’ve not experienced much of this in my circle of friends or in previous relationships and I find myself challenged. This came to head for me when I was in bed with the flu and she came in, raised voice, ranted for 15 minutes about how her co-workers and peers did her wrong. Afraid to engage in a conversation that may offend her and upset us both, I listened and listened and listened. I felt like I had been assaulted and I felt like a coward who failed us both. I wished I had a magic wand that could make her go away. I love this woman and I know I can be more effective at helping us both, but I can’t do it if I can’t even be in the same room as her. If anyone else has managed to work through this, I would appreciate your input.