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Negative spouse

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  • #43907
    Valerie
    Participant

    I’ve been married for 20 years and my husband negativity and crtisism makes it harder and harder to live with.

    I try to surround myself with positive people but what do you do when you live with someone who only sees the bad and critics everything and everyone? I love him but his negativity drains the life out of me since i try to be more positive myself. Because i use to be like him a lot. But now i want positive people in my life.

    Thank you!

    #43975
    Helpful Angel
    Participant

    Hi Valerie,

    I think that we must all make efforts to make our companion’s life easier. After all it’s a team! A balance can be achieved by pushing through the negativity!

    Perhaps it’s time to refresh the romanticism in your lives. Honesty and efforts can go a long way!

    1/ I suggest you buy a book on how to make your home a more harmonious environment and create a home, rooms, a space which will allow positivity and inner peace!

    2/ I suggest you buy a recipe book and start making new recipes if you like cooking and make a special dinner with candle lights!

    3/ It is about work and it will pay off!

    4/ After a few months, you can plan a well deserved holiday you will both enjoy!

    Good luck!

    #43984
    peaceful warrior
    Participant

    I am in a similar situation. I believe my partner’s negativity is a form of insecurity. I find myself avoiding time together and I’m beginning to feel like it’s affecting my health.

    I’m outlining some of the things I have tried, this is not to show how amazing I am and how impossible she is. She is a kind, loving beautiful soul who seems challenged by her current situation and I want to help us both get through this.

    I have expressed how it makes me feel; set boundaries; no “making fun” or hearsay; requested that the negative stories be related to her feelings around what happened and how it affects her, not be about what others have done wrong when she’s not willing to take any responsibility and no “back biting” or gossip; negotiated a time limit for negative talk; requesting that permission be asked before a monologue; inquiring about her feelings; asking if she would like to consider solutions to the wrong doings of her co-workers; I’ve read books; done research; gone to therapy; invited her to therapy and to read communication books with me; giving positive feedback; encouraging her when she speaks kindly of others; suggested she go out with friends and “vent” so the negativity isn’t coming home every day; I’ve just listened and asked how it made her feel. It is our first contact, upon waking, immediately after work and if we’re going for a walk.

    Her reaction was to accuse me of “not being there for her”, “I can’t handle anything negative and she feels like she can’t talk to me about her daily challenges”. She said her communication style of venting is “just what girls do”. I am a girl too and I admitted that although I’ve been guilty of this behavior in my past, a brave friend called me on it and when I saw “me” through their eyes, I worked to change. I am aware that my communication skills are challenged in this realm and I welcome advise. I am awkward with expressing things that may be hurtful, I am working on this too.

    I don’t want to blame her, I have my part. I’ve been in fear of disappointing her and have not been consistent with the “rules” we agreed upon. I’ve not experienced much of this in my circle of friends or in previous relationships and I find myself challenged. This came to head for me when I was in bed with the flu and she came in, raised voice, ranted for 15 minutes about how her co-workers and peers did her wrong. Afraid to engage in a conversation that may offend her and upset us both, I listened and listened and listened. I felt like I had been assaulted and I felt like a coward who failed us both. I wished I had a magic wand that could make her go away. I love this woman and I know I can be more effective at helping us both, but I can’t do it if I can’t even be in the same room as her. If anyone else has managed to work through this, I would appreciate your input.

    #43989
    Matt
    Participant

    Sam,

    I’m impressed with the amount of time, effort and consideration you’ve put in so far. What you describe is often tricky for people with a lot of empathy, and as we experience the “dumping” of others, it can feel assaulting. Don’t despair, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    There is a balance between being there for someone and being their toilet. On one hand, sharing our stress is an important part of its unwinding for many, and so having the freedom to express our pain is important. That being said, if our partner is consistently in a space of stress and dumping, it can be disorienting and erode the intimacy. Much like we don’t usually wish to kiss a snorting bull, our affection pulls away from anger and stress. That you’re looking for a way to approach her differently, more skillfully is great.

    The breakthrough for me was when one of my teachers helped me see the powerful teaching quality of pain and suffering. These vibrant experiences that grab your partner and twist her mind and emotions into a frenzy are very real for her, and just because we can see them with more detachment doesn’t mean the maze on her side isn’t very convincing. On your side, however, its co-inspiring a maze in your own body, such as feeling assaulted, feeling overcome, burdened, overwhelemed by her energy. This is normal, usual, and understandable.

    What we can do see the situation more clearly, and instead of trying to work on it from their side, work on it from our own. For instance, there is a story of the Buddha standing in the pathway of a rampaging elephant, and he remained undisturbed, and because of that, could reach out to the elephant and help it settle. There was no need to dodge or whip or lure or plot or plan, just the in breath and out breath.

    This same approach is helpful in relating to passionate expression, such as your partner’s dumping. As she’s venting, perhaps your love and commitment for her pulls you close to the energy, to her, and so you’re feeling the tangles and fire very directly. Instead, you can sit and move most of your attention to the breath, like we do in meditation. As we just breathe with the dumping, make space around it by letting it wash over us, most times the tornado simply evaporates. Said differently, as you notice that your mind begins to grab on or push aside the words and feelings she is presenting, its OK and quite helpful to intentionally do nothing with it. Just listen to the words, assign them no meaning, and allow yourself to just see “my love is suffering and venting”. Then the heart remains unburdoned by what has been said, because inside your own body you have kept the space open, let the moment slide past. This naturally helps those around us also feel the spaciousness, because as we sit and listen and hug without doing anything else, the stability in us is shared with them.

    What arises is a view of them more completely. For instance, say our partner consistently stubs their toe on the couch. Then, the pain of that stubbing leads them down a trail of cursing and blaming and yelling and all sorts of nonsense. If we don’t become personally assaulted by the swearing and yelling (“I want this space to be quiet and peaceful, and you are stopping that”) and just see them as having a cathartic moment (“swearing makes pain hurt less, I wish for her to hurt less, swear away, I’ll be the peaceful environment I’ve been seeking”) then it becomes very simple. Consider that pain has a way of making the most generous of us quite selfish.

    That being said, there is no reason our life needs to be an endurance trial, and there are some who are so entrenched in patterns that they look for couches to kick. What you have in front of you is between you and your heart, so knowing where to apply your efforts is within your own wisdom, which I trust. The only redirection is that because the girlfriend’s energy appears outside us, we assume the difficulty we have with the energy is also outside us, which is not the case. Our mind clamps down and bounces around, spinning our heart and making it dizzy. Do you happen to do any metta meditation? Metta practice helps strengthen our connection to peace and kindness, which goes a long way when the clouds gather. Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #43994
    peaceful warrior
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you very much for taking the time to write a very real response, with the kind of love that has the power to redirect. I hear you. I have been working hard to avoid participating in “back biting” and learning to communicate more directly and effectively. In that, I got so caught up (in my mind) in not wanting to feel like a participant in gossip and in defending the people she gossips about, rather than being supportive of her suffering. I know she is unhappy with her work. I allowed my frustration with what is probably paralyzing fear on her part, to create even more disturbance for us both.

    I am guilty of attaching too much feeling to her experiences and of judging her way of venting her pain. I cannot continue to use it as an excuse to avoid the real work, which is an inside job. I do meditate, but being honest, I admit I have been making excuses and creating more and more distance between my butt and the pillow. I’m glad I reached out, trusting the solution would be there and would be exactly what I needed. I will look into Metta and I’ll remind myself that the consequences of my own imbalances can easily be corrected with action. I am, after all, the only part of this problem I have the power to change.

    Again, I want to express my gratitude for your heart felt response, it is what I needed to make the choice between being the elephant or the Buddha. I’m in gratitude that, today, I get to choose.

    Warmly, Sam

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