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    Hi Tee

    Thank you so much for your time and your guidance. Wishing you all the best also.

    I’ll check back again with my progress!

    Forever grateful




    Hello Tee

    Thanks for sharing the YouTube suggestion. I have watched it and it makes a lot of sense. It has helped me understand more about a covert narcissist.

    It helped to know that he does not empathise and has no empathy. It’s funny because I remember now he has said before he lacks empathy and that his previous girlfriends have said he is insensitive. I mustn’t have thought much about it at the time because he was being so nice and the opposite with me.

    “But I think the best revenge is to get back on your feet, get your life back in order, and rise above him. And never allow to be fooled like that again.” This has really helped. Yes, I shall rise above. This is time for me now. Time for new adventures and genuine connections.

    “Sorry, didn’t understand this: do you mean he wouldn’t get an ego boost from you because you wouldn’t let him, or because you don’t feel good about yourself at the moment, so he wouldn’t be motivated to put you down?”

    So I meant he can’t get an ego boost because he is unable to put me down anymore. I don’t think he would risk the rejection. Also, given the state he left me in and some of his self awareness of being a bad guy (he is self deprecating sometimes) I would hope that he would know better and think “I’ve hurt her enough, I’m going to stay away” even if he did have the urge to reach out.

    While I do believe he is a covert narcissist, he acknowledged he needed professional help which suggests some amount of self awareness. With this in mind, I feel I won’t hear from him again.

    “I don’t care what his childhood trauma is – if he is cheating on you, that’s abuse and is inexcusable. So in that sense, have less compassion for the abuser and more compassion for yourself.”

    This has helped greatly too. Thank you for helping me reframe my thoughts in this way. I will have more compassion for me.

    So, for a happy end to the story: a met with a friend this week and we went climbing. I’ve not done this before and I had a great time.

    We went for a drink after and I told her how scared I was of being alone and how I’ve not been without a boyfriend since I was 13 (I’m now 34 years old). Her reaction was “WOW! This is such an exciting time for you!”. “What do you mean?”, I asked. She said me that I now have all this time for me, time for adventure.

    We set the date, 31 May 2024, to meet one year later. For me to give her the debrief on everything I will have done over the next year. I bought a notebook on my way home to document my journey and all the amazing experiences I’m going to have.

    Thanks as always, your support has made a huge impact and will always be grateful 🙂


    Hello Tee

    Thank you for the insight. I’ve just read up on covert narcissism and he does fit the traits. I had always assumed narcissist were charismatic and obviously manipulative. I can see that covert narcissists are different to what we typically think a narcissist is.

    You asked if I was scared of physical abuse. I wasn’t scared of this, I was very scared of emotional abuse and him being cold to me. He would hide his emotions so I was afraid of what he could be like if angered but never actually saw him angry.

    I feel anger sometimes but mostly I’m in disbelief. I’d say I can’t believe that it came so out of the blue but at the same time, it doesn’t surprise me. What did surprise me is leaving me when I was still poorly and needing hospital treatment after miscarriage complications. That was a level of low I could not have predicted.

    I am bitter because I know he doesn’t suffer. Everyone else suffers instead. He rips through peoples lives like a natural disaster. I am trying to work on letting this go but the unfairness of it gets to me.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be having therapy next week so will start to feel the anger, like you say.

    I don’t have any social media so it’s difficult for him to contact me. I don’t think he will be back for his narcissistic supply though anyway. He used to put me down in so many ways .. my job, the house I own, the way I live my life.. so if you say he put me down because he was envious or he felt I was “better” than him, he probably won’t get an ego boost from me now.

    I just long for the day where I can look back at all this and think “wow, he was terrible. I can’t believe I was actually upset over that”

    Thanks so much! Have a great day.


    Hello Tee

    With the pregnancy, I’m not sure how I felt other than denial. I don’t want children unless I find the right person and I knew I would not want children in this scenario. Then I miscarried so I didn’t have the chance to process being pregnant.

    As to whether or not he had anger issues is hard to say. He internalised everything and wouldn’t even speak with friends or family about anything. When his relationship before me ended, he moved back home but wouldn’t discuss anything with his family.

    I could see he was hurting deeply and I picked up on low self esteem. He seemed to crave validation from women. He would routinely dress in certain ways to get compliments from women at work or when he was. Then he would talk a lot about women to me and what he liked about other women’s appearances, but refused to compliment me. When we used to go out, I would get a lot of compliments from strangers and he didn’t like that I got this attention. Going as far as to laugh at me for being complimented, like he couldn’t understand why people fuss me in the way they do.

    You’re right about the incidents with the physical aspect. I didn’t say anything because I was too scared. There was a lot that happened where I was too scared to say anything.

    It’s worth noting that a couple I know met him a few times. Their feedback was they said they had a bad vibe from him, that he seemed disinterested in my life and that I wasn’t myself. They said I had anxious energy when they visited and he was staying over.

    As for him playing the victim. He did actually always blame other people for things. Like his relationship before me, he says he was abused however I highly doubt it. He blames other people for his bad behaviour. As for him going to Thailand, it was planned before I miscarried. I honestly just think he wanted to go and have a “single man lifestyle”. He was overweight as a child and is very self conscious about it and part of my thinks he wanted to sleep with women to prove his attractiveness to himself.

    I think you’re absolutely right about panic attacks being a defence mechanism. I don’t want a repetition of this pain and trauma.

    With regards to my ex husband, I’ve worked through this and no longer hold any feelings towards what happened. I had therapy to work through this. I’m actually grateful for what happened as I’ve been able to create my own life. I don’t hold a grudge to him.

    However, to the ex we have been discussing. I’m working on accepting what has happened. I want to let go of what has happened and move on to aid my healing. However, his behaviour is unforgivable in my opinion and he won’t be getting my forgiveness.

    I feel safe that he won’t reach out again as it feels final this time. I don’t think he is capable of having the emotions to be able to miss me. So I don’t think he will be asking for forgiveness anyway.

    Thanks so much, as always 🙂
    <p style=”text-align: center;”></p>


    Hello Sarah & Tee

    Thanks for your advice, Sarah. I shall write this list. That is a very good suggestion.

    Tee, with the denial of pregnancy, I was terrified of telling him. I thought he would leave immediately. I’ve never been as stressed as I was with him and I carry guilt in thinking that perhaps this is what caused the miscarriage. I was afraid he wouldn’t be there for me and he proved me to be correct when he disappeared when I was in hospital. There were complications which made me very unwell. I was in hospital while he was in Thailand.

    As for being physically abusive, it felt more like degrading me. I’m petite and very small and he was 6ft tall and stocky build. I would do a little hip bump to be playful but then he would shove me with no regard to the size difference. He once pushed me into the refrigerator and held me there by the back of my head, unable to move. I didn’t like this. I’m not sure why he pushed me into the refrigerator like this but it felt degrading.

    What you have said about trauma bonding has really helped. At the moment I’m trying to understand why my brain is acting in the way it is. I’m a scientist for my job and understanding things like trauma bonding is very helpful.

    In terms of previous men. Some have been fantastic, caring and respectful. My last good relationship ending because we wanted different things from life. I have an ex husband who ended up being unfaithful but it ended amicably. We were very young when we met and it just ran its course. His error in judgement was not a reflection of the decade I spent with him. Most of the relationship was very good.

    My biggest issue at the moment is the dissonance in my head between thinking I’m a failure if I don’t have a partner and what I actually want, which is time for me. I think women have a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. I’m often asked “but how are you single?” and this makes me feel like I’m the odd one out.

    When I am well, I am self sufficient. I own my house, travel by myself and generally don’t have any problems making new friends.

    I have been on some dates and I panic before going out. Then panic if they come near me. However, if I’m meeting male or female friends, I’m absolutely fine.

    I would like the option of being able to meet someone when I am ready but at the moment I see the damage that my last relationship has caused. It is currently preventing me from having a future with someone new. I’m not sure how to get past this fear of men when they are potential romantic partners.

    Again, I’m so grateful to you for responding and helping me. All of you are a life line. Thank you 🙂


    Hello Tee & Helkat

    Thank you for your responses.

    To add detail, the pregnancy and miscarriage were both unexpected. I was in denial about being pregnant as a coping mechanism. And then we only found out for certain when I went to hospital. That was when it was confirmed that I had been pregnant. I was then heavily in denial about miscarrying as I just could not believe it.

    He supported me for 3 days and then disappeared. He was passionately against children so I don’t know how it made him feel.

    We had a wonderful Xmas & NYE and he already started ignoring me. He also brought a box of my things back over Xmas so I believe he had already made his mind up to leave.

    Tee, I’m grateful for your honesty. I needed to hear this. He was toxic. He was hard work. I was also scared of him. I could get a bad stomach every time he told me he was on the way to my house. I would be physically sick.

    He was so lovely to me at times. He took me away for my birthday and planned lovely days out for us. He would do little things like make sure I had medicine. He would tell me he would always have my back and be there for me.

    I did feel loved at times. What makes it so hard is that at Xmas/NYE, he was so lovely but I think he has already made his mind up to leave. It’s the dissonance of “he seemed to care but he left anyway”.

    But, before this I was a strong, focused woman. Who I am now, I don’t recognise. But at the start of the year I asked the universe for peace, and then he left. I think I have been gifted this man leaving my life.

    Since then I have redecorated my house, got myself an amazing new job, I’ve been attending socials to meet new people and I am going travelling.

    Every day is working towards what I told myself I needed on January 4th this year. I need peace.

    Thank you Tee and Helcat for being supportive. I really appreciate you guidance. 


    Hello Helcat

    Thank you for getting back to me.

    I’m doing a lot of self care. I used to cry in my car every morning back in January and my friend pointed out that I’ve not done that in months. I am crying less.

    I’m just so disappointed that someone who meant the world to me would change his mind so suddenly. Three weeks before he left me, he declared his feelings for me. If we had arguments and problems I would have understood. But he was the one that was always difficult and I was always trying to be understanding.

    I don’t want this on my mind anymore but I’m stuck in a loop of confusion and it is preventing me from moving forward. 🙁



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