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    Thank you Anita.  I will write more as it develops more.  You are right.

    All the best


    A bit of both…depends on the occasion.

    It’s tiring.

    I’m not perfect myself either.

    Thank you Anita…


    I accidentally reported my own post!


    I know how it reads.  I don’t know.  She can be vague and fudgy and I hate it. Very very avoidant of her own issues, until now. She’s an oddly sheltered person, for someone who’s done a lot, lived in many countries and is pretty educated.  Maybe that’s what comes from holing yourself up in your room.  Once, she asked me what Chinese food was like.  Another time, she couldn’t understand why it might be considered unsafe to walk in parks after dark.  A couple of the quirky ‘other planet’ moments.

    Ah.  I’m being judgy.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by saskia.

    Wow Anita good memory (or I’m sure it came up in my profile)!  It was only when I was half way through this post that I remembered I had posted about her here before. Yeah I ‘won’ the dating site thing in the end.  It was utter naivety on her part. There have been a few other situations where I’ve wondered if we come from separate planets.

    She believed that because her intentions are always good (and they are), that hurt can’t be caused.  I feel like I’m educating her at times, it’s hard work and quite frankly not my job.

    Don’t get me wrong, she has brought me great things.  I wouldn’t be at my current level of self-understanding if it wasn’t for dealing with the feelings and challenges our relationship has brought.  It has been rich in many ways and we have had good times.

    She isn’t ready.  She isn’t free.  Yet she is the one who introduced the label of partner.  She is the one who made us ‘exclusive’. So tiring.

    She told me once she ‘can’t function’ without someone romantically involved in her life.  That’s unhealthy.  She has barely ever been single in her life.  I think she needs to be, whether she likes it or not.

    She is showing some self-awareness; it’s ever so slow but it’s there.  I need to step out of the ‘partner’ role while it develops.

    I care deeply for her and want more than anything in this for us both to be happy and healthy.  I am confident I can take care of myself in those respects.  I want to see her free and functioning and blossoming.  I am getting to the point where I feel I am just enabling her if the status quo remains the same.

    I hope I don’t sound patronising of her.  I bring my own issues to the table for sure but feel I have a reasonable toolbox to deal with them, even if I make mistakes sometimes, and I do.

    I’m going to talk to her this week.

    p.s. It’s not so much Christmas itself that’s the issue.  We’ve been together just shy of a year, I can be apart from her on Christmas day, but it’s the ex in-laws habit, the expectation that I would wait around until she could squeeze me in.  I have done something very ‘un-me’ and confided in friends about this today.  Both were utterly shocked and thought it was unacceptable.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by saskia.

    Sadly no, we’re definitely not ‘there’ yet.  I haven’t even met her ex, though she knows about me.  In any case, I would have to be invited, and I have’t been.

    I am coming to the conclusion that my gf is just not ready for a relationship.  I now realise that many people who are in fact not ready can actually feel they really want relationships.

    Thank you!


    Thank you for your response.

    I guess I didn’t make it clear that I would have to travel to see my parents so my choice is spend it fully with them or spend a day alone waiting for her.

    Neither of us tears each other down when we communicate. We are pretty good at talking things through but for some reason I still feel incredibly hurt and frustrated at this one.


    Thank you Anita.

    I have been so lonely with this problem as was embarrassed to tell any friends. You’ve brought tears to my eyes…in a good way.


    I wish you a good day xx


    Thank you Anita.
    You are so right, our communication was shockingly awful, in that it didn’t exist, about the big stuff at least.
    I think we both knew that as soon as we started communicating honestly about the big stuff, we would realise we couldn’t make it and we both appreciated and enjoyed each other so that was scary.
    In a way I am sort of glad we didn’t have this conversation very early in the relationship as we created some beautiful memories which I am grateful to have. I would always rather create memories than have nothing.
    I think we were sent to each other to help each other reframe our futures. We are both a little stuck in our professional lives too right now so need this space to push forwards in whichever projects have our hearts’ desires. Separately.

    Oh and the ‘appearances’ thing? Well, sort of the same habit from my younger days, the thing that kept me in the closet so long really: wanting to give people the ‘right’ answer, not to rock the boat, be seen ad perfect an un-erring. So ridiculous written down. I am working on it 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by saskia.

    Thank you Nina. Yes I do need to be braver in owning my choices. There is no way to be unscathed and ‘perfect’ in this. I am feeling stronger already… Yes ‘a feeling of being stifled over time’, that is something I wouldn’t want to end up happening, to either of us.


    Thank you Anita.
    I appreciate the perspective of someone who hasn’t had children and doesn’t regret it. May I ask your age range? If you don’t want to answer that’s fine! I owed it to myself and to her to think about it, ask myself the questions. I do want a meaningful life and I don’t just mean travel and leisure, though they are great things. It will be about being my best, healthiest self so that I can make a meaningful contribution to the world in professional and creative projects.
    Yes what you say about my heart trying to convince my head makes sense.
    There was love there, and that is not to be taken lightly. But perhaps not love of the depth that we both deserve. Perhaps we didn’t make that deep a mark on each other. Though a mark nonetheless.
    I know at the moment we can’t move forward in our lives together.
    I think my main issue is appearances. Why couldn’t I have been ‘proper’, to give the ‘right’ news to our friends etc that we are moving forward as a couple should? This has been a lifelong issue of mine.
    I could go on…I won’t right now 🙂


    1. Making a difference in my small part of the world. Helping others. Feeling at peace inside. A loving girlfriend. Perhaps a dog (she doesn’t like animals). Living by the sea (she doesn’t want to).
    2. I would regret not listening to myself, being ‘talked into’ something for the sake of not rocking the boat, for the sake of looking good, for the sake of how the story ‘should’ go, much as I lived when I was with men. I am not sure that I would regret never having a child.
    3. Sure life throws curve-balls! I would have been excited 10 years ago if someone told me I’d have a girlfriend as I was always aware of my attraction to women. I was just scared of what people would think if I did anything. I would have been in awe of the brave future me. And I am! So proud of myself for coming out. It has been amazing and I feel it in my heart 🙂 Incidentally, she was not the woman who catalysed my coming out, there were other involvements before her, the process started 3 years before we met.

    Now my questions for you: ‘Don’t be scared’…of what? Of having a child? I’m not sure that its fear, it’s just gut instinct that it’s not my path. I have never felt truly connected to the idea, just sort of obliged to think about it because of my age. I did face the issue, ask myself some questions, I’m grateful to her for guiding me to do so. I just can’t wholeheartedly enter into something so big, and she hasn’t actually asked me to.

    ‘have more confidence’…in what? My ability to be a mother, to build a family? I am not at the stage where confidence is even relevant (see above)
    ‘have more confidence’…in my/our decision to split? Yes, I am trying to. Hence this post…


    Hi everyone

    I’m returning to a topic I started 3 months ago. In a moment of doubt, not long after posting, I deleted my original message, which I am reposting here:

    “I am a woman in my early 30s. I have always had boyfriends and I guess a background attraction to women but no more than many straight-ish women probably have, I thought. This summer a woman came into my life who shook me up. She didn’t do anything apart from be herself, but she has had a huge effect on me.
    She was my client. I work as a coach/trainer on a one to one basis (I teach a practical skill -I’m not a therapist and don’t work with people’s emotional or personal lives). The night before I met her I had a dream that we were together. I had previously talked to her on Skype before our first face to face session but hadn’t thought anything consciously other than she had a pretty smile. I shook the dream off as an oddity and proceeded with professionalism through our sessions together. We spent a couple of months meeting usually twice per week. When she left I missed her. She lives in another country, but not too far away. On our last lesson she gave me a card expressing her gratitude for my work, that I was a real pro and a nice person (she highlighted this last part). Nothing at all happened between us or was even hinted at apart from we took each others’ hands at the end and at least I felt a bit of a ‘moment’. Wishful thinking perhaps…
    Throughout the course of our sessions I became more conscious of my attraction for her but of course did nothing. I would never do anything while in a professional capacity. We have some things in common, same age, some background circumstances, which allowed for some feelings of complicity I guess.
    Fast forward a couple of months and I was still thinking of her from time to time. I had a new website built for my work and asked her and a few other previous clients for testimonials to put on the site. She kindly obliged with a glowing testimonial and in her email to me said she missed her time in my city and her sessions with me. It so happened that I was going to be in her city (I used to live there and still have friends there) for a few days a month ago and I told her she could have a free session to say thank you for taking the time to write my testimonial. She responded saying that would be great and we could go to lunch afterwards…her treat. So we met, had an informal skills session then went for a long lunch. It’s hard to say whether she flirted as I can’t gauge females too well. If this was a man I’d think he liked me but who knows. I know that she is bisexual. She didn’t tell me herself, we’ve never discussed things like that. but I know for a fact that she has said this. I am single. I have no idea if there is anyone in her life.
    After the lunch meeting we exchanged a couple of texts and emails. She told me it was cool to hang out and even referred to future work and social stuff we could do together. I felt that I had been a bit ‘held back’ and hiding behind my professionalism as although I feel really excited and inspired by her, she wouldn’t have known. So a few days ago I sent her an email saying that if she ever comes back to my city I wouldn’t charge her for sessions, rather we could do a skills exchange (there’s something she can help me with and the subject of an exchange had already come up). Being brave I told her I always enjoyed her company and she was welcome any time. I also referred to a book recommendation she’d made to me which I think is quite personal to her (it was her who chose to share the recommendation, though!)
    My confusion now is that she hasn’t replied…yet. I sent my email 4 days ago. To be fair she has taken a lot longer than this to get back to me before but I had less emotional investment then! I just hope I haven’t offended her. Have I crossed a line I shouldn’t have? I hardly declared undying love, in fact I barely hinted at my feelings, but I feel exposed as this is not how I’m used to conducting myself. My god, I feel like I’m overreacting now I see this written down. I guess my worst fear is that she can guess at how I feel, she doesn’t feel the same and now feels that she can’t take advantage of the professional help I can give her. It’s all a bit blurred. I feel odd.
    I should also underline that she stopped officially being my client with the end of our financial exchange a few months ago.
    What is happening here? I could use some objectivity and it’s not one I can share easily with friends.

    Your lovely kind replies are still in this thread. Thank you.

    An update: she replied! Eventually. Took her two and a half weeks, by which time I’d given up on her but I wasn’t feeling too awful. I had meditated and nurtured my self-confidence in that at least I’d been true to myself by trying/hinting at my feelings so there weren’t really any regrets. Anyway, she wrote a lovely considered response, signing off with an affectionate term which I got rather excited about and it still makes me smile. Said salutation was written in her native language although she’d written the rest of her email in English. We both speak both languages. We then exchanged a couple of emails over the Christmas/new year period mainly talking about books/life philosophies and what we’re up to in our professional lives.

    I haven’t heard from her since the beginning of this year. I’m not overly concerned about that as our emails did kind of ‘wrap up’ with her saying she’d see me this year and me wishing her good luck for this work venture she’s currently doing.

    What I am concerned about is I still think about her A LOT. I mean a lot. I’m kind of ashamed of myself. Like, what is missing in my life that I have so much brain-room for a non-existent love story?! I know I shouldn’t judge my own feelings. I try to just ride them when they feel strong…. This woman has really got to me. I miss her. On a lot of levels I felt connection with her. I guess there are things about her that I admire…she has already helped to inspire me professionally and personally without even knowing it. She’s funny, she’s real, she’s intelligent, she’s unafraid, she’s spiritually aware, she’s driven and she has the sweetest smile I have seen on any human. I think she’s one of the best examples of a human I’ve ever met.

    And yet. There are things I don’t know about her. I’m aware I’m probably filling in some blanks. I don’t even know if she’s in a relationship (I know she lives alone). We’ve never discussed that. She doesn’t even know I have these feelings…though she’s not stupid. She’ll have guessed at something.

    So what do I have? A lunch date a few months ago (her invitation). A few emails with an affectionate/mildly suggestive sign-off from her. Nothing for a few months. Lots of questions in my head.

    I think my reason for posting here is: sometimes my feelings for her overwhelm me. Why? Why has she affected me so when nothing has even happened? I think about her more than I’m comfortable with and more than I feel is appropriate for the situation. She has no idea. If I do see her again I’ll feel embarrassed!

    I could just contact her and I probably will in a couple of months if I haven’t heard from her. The reason I haven’t is I know she’s travelling for work…her life’s a bit upside down for a couple of months.

    Do I like her because she’s hard to get?

    I’d write more detail if I wasn’t worried about identifying myself/her.

    Writing this has clarified something at least: I build mountains out of molehills in my head. Please reply, though, anyone who has words of advice or even solidarity!

    I’m the kind of person who plays my cards close to my chest in real life. Sometimes I feel lonely as a result.


    hi Joseph

    Thank you for writing.

    What would it mean *about* me if things worked out? I’d have my feelings validated. This wouldn’t be a ‘silly crush’.

    What would it mean *to* me? I’d be scared and excited in equal measures. I’d have the challenge and gift of being myself with someone I adore.

    What would it mean *about* me if she wasn’t interested? I guess I’d feel silly but I’d have been glad I tried. Cause you have to try.

    What would it mean *to* me if she wasn’t interested? I’d be upset and disappointed as knowing her means a lot to me.

    Thank you for your response! This is kinda hard but maybe I’m making it harder in my own head.

    Thank you so much for your comments, they mean a lot. You seem like a great person too. In fact most people on here do 🙂 I chose the right forum!

    Have a great (rest of) weekend too.



    Thank you! I know. I feel calmer about it just having written this down. I have only confided in one friend that I even like her and I have told no-one in real life about my last email to her. I don’t know why I even feel it’s such a big deal. I know I have a habit of coming across as ‘breezy’ and collected, then people believe that I am and I miss the opportunity for closeness because they think I don’t care that much. So making the effort to allow myself to be vulnerable, opening up to her even a tiny bit like hinting that I like her seems like such a big deal to me I’m panicking a little. I know I can’t throw things out there simply in the hope that they will be returned. I can’t expect anything from her really. I know that if I wasn’t experiencing this discomfort, I’d still be lost in my intense crush feelings for her (really strong since I saw her a few weeks ago but since dampened due to my recent doubt – every cloud etc 😉 )
    Anyway yes, too much overthinking. My feelings for her have really taken me by surprise and I guess I really hope to spend more time with her one day. I guess I’d hate to think that won’t happen, hence my worry that I might have scared her. Though thinking rationally she’s an open, generous person as far as I know and even if she did suspect my feelings I hardly think she’d be offended.
    It’s really helped to share this, thank you.

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