anita

The emotional attachment is still very much there.

You could put it like that – while we are no longer labeling ourselves as in a relationship but our behaviour over the past few days would suggest otherwise.

Both of us know deep down that it is temporary. I am worried knowing that eventually, I will have to let go. Is there any advice you can give me for when this time comes?

Valora,

Deep down I know that it does squarely sit with the person who was unfaithful, I feel much better nowadays than I did when I submitted this topic (I owe this to Tiny Buddha, especially those who have responded to my original post). I still feel a little bit guilty but I think this will fade in time.

That is really good advice – I actually did this on a social occasion a few nights ago. I decided that I would drive, had one alcohol drink throughout the whole evening and I had a great time with no feeling of regret the next day! I have some Christmas parties with work in the pipeline, so I think that I will drive, have just one drink and then head home when everyone begins getting a bit too merry. 🙂

You’re right
It is hard to think rationally when going through a break-up, especially one that stemmed from betrayal. In turn, I have found it difficult to find balance and regulate my emotions in a healthy way.

anita,

That’s very true. I thought that going straight to focusing on my degree was a healthy and positive way to overcome the break-up. I now realise that the opposite is true and that the best way to deal with it would be to allow myself to feel the sadness that occurs when losing someone, rather than avoiding it completely.

The thing is, I don’t like feeling sad. I realise that it isn’t a feeling that anyone enjoys, but sometimes I feel it so intensely that it scares me. That being said, I have definitely felt the benefits ad a good cry before. Maybe I need to allow myself some time out of each day while I’m getting through this to feel what I need to feel and then move on.

You are also right about how I have unrealistic expectations of myself. As I said in my reply to Ben, I am set on being a person who only does good things, and this has probably done me a massive amount of disservice.

Your last paragraph sums it all up nicely.

I need to let myself feel sad when sad things happen rather than run away from these feelings so that they don’t come out in a way that is negative and potentially even more harmful.

Thank you.

Valora,

Thank you for this response

I have recognised today that ultimately the person who is in a relationship is more at fault here than I am. The guilt is mostly coming from the fact that I felt a lot of anger towards the person that my ex strayed with, and this has made me feel like a hypocrite.

While a big part of it was to get back at my ex, a part of doing it was for the assurance that I can still experience intimacy without her in my life. I realise now that getting drunk and actively seeking anyone to get this from is not the way to go about it and that it does not make things better.

Where you said that you yourself have done things out of character whilst under the influence reminds me that doing so is nothing out of the ordinary. So thank you, I think it needed to hear that 🙂

I am certain that my alcohol dependency comes mainly from two things; social anxiety and there being seemingly not much else to do socially where I live.

Alcohol gives me a false sense of confidence that I do not have while sober. It brings me out of my shell for a bit but then I end up doing things that I regret. I have always believed very strongly that people who do bad things when they drink simply should not, but I now realise that this is easier said than done.

I have been out to a drinking occasion before where I just had one drink as I want driving home. It was probably one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had with this particular group of friends and it was wonderful the next day to be able to remember everything and know that I did nothing out of character.