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I am a hypocrite and I'm ashamed of myself.

HomeForumsRelationshipsI am a hypocrite and I'm ashamed of myself.

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
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  • #236515
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I am currently going through a breakup with a girlfriend who was unfaithful to me. I had been getting through the break up quite healthily, determined that I would use the extra time to focus on my studies and do big things with my degree.

    A few nights ago I went on a night out with some friends. A lot of alcohol was involved on the night, I thought that I would be alright as I had been doing okay prior to this. <mI got really drunk and then received an email on my phone from my ex, saying that she misses me. All the while I was keeping myself busy and distracted, I knew that I was still angry at her for what she did and that I was missing her also. I’m extremely ashamed of myself to say that I told her I was going to go rebound so she could “have a taste of her own medicine”.

    It gets worse. I ended up leaving with someone who I know is in a relationship. Prior to what happened next, I told this person that I was uncomfortable with this because of how my relationship had just ended. They admitted to me that I wasn’t the first and told me that nobody would find out so nobody would get hurt. My clouded drunken judgement told me that this made it okay and so I went ahead with things.

    This has made me feel like the worst person in the world. I have apologised to the person, and to my ex for doing this out of spite. The person said that it’s not for me to be sorry about and that it was their decision, my ex forgives me but is annoyed because she knows that I’ve hurt myself through my actions. A friend that I have confided in has stressed to me that my mistake doesn’t define me and that the fact that it has affected me so much shows that I’m not a bad person. This makes sense to me but I’m finding it really hard to believe. I acted completely against my principles and it’s had me questioning myself as a person.

    I’m too ashamed to talk about it to anyone else – the reason I am posting this here is that I need the opinion of non-judgemental people that don’t know me.

    I am disappointed with myself because I was doing so well and now I can’t help but feel like a deserve what my ex did to me. I’m disappointed because I never imagined myself handling things the way I have and thought I was better than this. I’m determined now to make better decisions and to be the best person I can be but I’m struggling to forgive myself. I desperately wish that there was a way to undo everything and knowing that this isn’t a possibility is breaking me.

    One thing is for sure – alcohol is the cause of almost everything that has happened in my life. I want to never touch the stuff again but I have always been somewhat dependent on it. I have tried going to an AA meeting but felt like I didn’t belong there because everybody was a lot older than me and had been struggling with alcohol dependency on a much more serious level and for a lot longer than I have. If anybody can give me guidance here I would really appreciate it.

    As much as I probably deserve a harsh comment or two, more than anything I need reassurance that I can grow to be a better person from this. Any self-care advice would be great also.

    Thanks and sorry for failing to be a kind person in this.

    #236585
    Valora
    Participant

    I would try not to be hard on yourself. You were single when this happened, correct?  So it’s absolutely nothing like what your ex did to you. I also wouldn’t feel guilty about the other person being in a relationship, because, although that’s definitely not a good thing to do when you have your wits about you, it’s ultimately up to the person in the relationship not to stray, not the person they’re straying with.

    Do you think your guilt could actually be coming from your intention for doing it rather than the actual act, that you were intending to hurt someone by doing it? Alcohol and pain can certainly cause us to do things that are out of character, so that may be why you are so disappointed, but the fact is, you definitely can’t go back in time and change it. It’s okay to give yourself permission to forgive yourself and let this one go. From the sounds of it, it’s not something that you would usually do if you weren’t influenced by both alcohol and pain, so just accept that that caused you to act out of character and then just stay away from alcohol until you’re feeling much better.

    I’ve done things in the past under the influence of alcohol combined with pain that I regretted for a while after, but you do get over it. You can literally grow from ANYTHING and become a better person if you take the lesson from it, make a change for the better, and forgive yourself. 🙂

     

    What do you suppose makes you feel dependent on alcohol? or what makes you want to drink? For example, is it just because you like the loosened-up feeling or does it make you forget things or is it more of a social thing?

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Valora.
    #236611
    Ben
    Participant

    You have a normal guilt about getting with someone who is in a relationship. But, I think your recent break up makes it feel like you are being the type of person you ex was unfaithful to you with. Ergo, you almost feel like you cheated in your old relationship, even though you were and are single. You feel like you broke it up, almost like you cheated on your gf but were also the one she cheated on you with.

    Self care would be exactly that. Stop judging yourself. As you said, you dont have a serious problem with alcohol, you know you arent the same level as the others at the AA meeting. So, listen to yourself.

    It sounds like you’ve over-reacted and you’re trying to locate something to help you. But, removing alcohol wont change it, we all have silly memories associated with it, good, bad, ugly ones.

    Probably you’re reacting strongly because of some other issue in your own life, or past. That’s whats making you do 100 in the slow lane with all this guilt about a minor event. So, calm, and focus your attention elsewhere before you get obsessive about what happened.

    The hardest thing? You’re making yourself feel this way, and only you can remember you have a choice. Its not alcohol, its not what you did, its your own mind running away with itself. We all do it, but remember you are in the driving seat! Take a break and remember yourself.

    #236631
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SeekingSolace:

    You can “grow to be a better person from this”.

    Let’s see  what  happened here: a girlfriend cheated  on  you, the relationship ended. You were angry, placed your anger in a room, so  to  speak, closed  the door on it and made a decision, to “use the extra time to  focus on my studies and do big things with my degree”. Next  you were  out drinking, the door of that room opened, the anger left the room and made itself  known,  Here I Am! And you “acted completely against  my principles”.

    If we were robots, 100% rational creatures without the …  interruptive quality of emotions, decisions will be easy to keep on and  on, no time limit. But we are  emotional beings.  Even without the alcohol, your anger would have come up somehow, interrupting your decision somewhat. Maybe worse.

    You expressed an unrealistic expectations from yourself, the expectation of operating like a robot. “it’s had  me questioning myself as a person”- I would say, question the behavior, as you did, make mental notes and  adjustments so that this particular mistake, or a similar one doesn’t happen in the future. Aim at making less mistakes, but aiming at no mistakes will cause you unnecessary distress.  As a matter  of fact, expecting to not make  mistakes, to  operate like a robot, uninterrupted by emotions,  is in itself… a big mistake, one that is hurting you and  will harm you if you repeat this one  mistake.

    Aim at being  a better  person, tend to your emotions, they don’t disappear, they do have a say in how we behave and what we do, so listen to them, incorporate them into your decision making so to make your decisions wiser. Wisdom is Rational and Emotional understanding, not one or the other.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #236655
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    Valora,

    Thank you for this response

    I have recognised today that ultimately the person who is in a relationship is more at fault here than I am. The guilt is mostly coming from the fact that I felt a lot of anger towards the person that my ex strayed with, and this has made me feel like a hypocrite.

    While a big part of it was to get back at my ex, a part of doing it was for the assurance that I can still experience intimacy without her in my life. I realise now that getting drunk and actively seeking anyone to get this from is not the way to go about it and that it does not make things better.

    Where you said that you yourself have done things out of character whilst under the influence reminds me that doing so is nothing out of the ordinary. So thank you, I think it needed to hear that 🙂

    I am certain that my alcohol dependency comes mainly from two things; social anxiety and there being seemingly not much else to do socially where I live.

    Alcohol gives me a false sense of confidence that I do not have while sober. It brings me out of my shell for a bit but then I end up doing things that I regret. I have always believed very strongly that people who do bad things when they drink simply should not, but I now realise that this is easier said than done.

    I have been out to a drinking occasion before where I just had one drink as I want driving home. It was probably one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had with this particular group of friends and it was wonderful the next day to be able to remember everything and know that I did nothing out of character.

    #236657
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    Ben,

    This is very much the case. I know in a way that I am nothing like that person, as I approached them (in a non-threatening and malicious way) and they seemed to have absolutely no remorse, and even acted smug about it. However, the feelings of hypocrisy that I’m struggling to shake come from just having this done to me and now I have partaken in doing this to somebody else.

    That is definitely another way of seeing it. Actually, I do have a lot of hang-ups on past mistakes. Many of these are from alcohol, but for every drunk mistake, I’m sure I have a sober one, too.

    Self-forgiveness is something that I very much struggle to do. I am so set on only ever doing good things that maybe this is harming me in the way that I am setting too high a standard for myself and, in turn, beating myself up when I can’t reach this standard.

    I dip in and out of self-care. Once I feel better I feel cured and stop practicing it. I realise now that I need to be more constant with it, even when I’m feeling good anyway.

    Thank you so much.

     

    #236663
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    anita,

    That’s very true. I thought that going straight to focusing on my degree was a healthy and positive way to overcome the break-up. I now realise that the opposite is true and that the best way to deal with it would be to allow myself to feel the sadness that occurs when losing someone, rather than avoiding it completely.

    The thing is, I don’t like feeling sad. I realise that it isn’t a feeling that anyone enjoys, but sometimes I feel it so intensely that it scares me. That being said, I have definitely felt the benefits ad a good cry before. Maybe I need to allow myself some time out of each day while I’m getting through this to feel what I need to feel and then move on.

    You are also right about how I have unrealistic expectations of myself. As I said in my reply to Ben, I am set on being a person who only does good things, and this has probably done me a massive amount of disservice.

    Your last paragraph sums it all up nicely.

    I need to let myself feel sad when sad things happen rather than run away from these feelings so that they don’t come out in a way that is negative and potentially even more harmful.

    Thank you.

    #236665
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    (in a non-threatening and malicious way)

    I meant to say non-threatening or malicious here

    #236669
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SeekingSolace:

    You wrote: “I thought that going straight to focusing on my degree was a healthy and positive way… the opposite is true”- I would say both are true: allow the feelings of sadness and focus on your degree, both. I think you tend (like  I have for decades!) go into extreme thinking, this or that, when the two are the answer, this and that. Avoid opposites and extremes, get into the middle way, balance,  moderation.

    anita

     

     

    #236697
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    You’re right
    It is hard to think rationally when going through a break-up, especially one that stemmed from betrayal. In turn, I have found it difficult to find balance and regulate my emotions in a healthy way.

    #236701
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SeekingSolace:

    Are you still going through that breakup, is it a breakup that is still in progress?

    anita

    #236707
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    Unfortunately yes,
    We are both missing each other – she badly regrets what has happened but I’m reluctant to set myself up to be hurt again. Plus the trust would be really difficult to rebuild.

    For the reason that we miss each other, we are struggling to cut off contact. She is coming to see me tonight because she wants to talk about everything that has happened (not to make me feel bad about anything, she’s not angry at me as she understands that my emotions have been all over the place).

    I’m just dreading having to go through the probable last goodbye again. When I broke up with her it was easy because I was angry at her but now that I’m sad I think I will have a harder time letting go.

    #236735
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SeekingSolace:

    Why are you having this talk with her tonight, what is your objective?

    anita

    #236757
    Valora
    Participant

    I have recognised today that ultimately the person who is in a relationship is more at fault here than I am. The guilt is mostly coming from the fact that I felt a lot of anger towards the person that my ex strayed with, and this has made me feel like a hypocrite.

    I think it’s pretty natural to have some anger toward the person they cheated with. That’s just a response seemingly everyone has when that happens. I had an ex when I was younger that used to cheat on me constantly, 8 different girls that I know of. I was too stupid to leave back then. I used to get mad at the girls until I finally realized it wasn’t them, it was him. Most of them didn’t know me so why should they care about me or my relationship? Even the ones that did know me, the blame was still squarely on my boyfriend at the time. It was HIM that was supposed to be remaining faithful. It wasn’t up to the girls to make sure he did.

    I am certain that my alcohol dependency comes mainly from two things; social anxiety and there being seemingly not much else to do socially where I live.

    Alcohol gives me a false sense of confidence that I do not have while sober. It brings me out of my shell for a bit but then I end up doing things that I regret. I have always believed very strongly that people who do bad things when they drink simply should not, but I now realise that this is easier said than done.

    I have been out to a drinking occasion before where I just had one drink as I want driving home. It was probably one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had with this particular group of friends and it was wonderful the next day to be able to remember everything and know that I did nothing out of character.

    I totally understand this, too. I also live in a small area where there isn’t a whole lot to do other than go out to bars or stay home and watch movies, and alcohol brings me out of my shell, too, because I tend to be a little more subdued when I’m uncomfortable. Alcohol makes me feel comfortable. A little too comfortable. haha. I’ve made many mistakes over the years from being under the influence. Heck, one of my kids came from drinking too much one night (wouldn’t change it for the world, though). lol. I never ever drink anymore if I’m upset or sad in any way because I’ve learned that’s when I tend to make my biggest mistakes under the influence.

    Over the years, though, I’ve also learned the key is to just drink that one drink to loosen you up just a tad (or two if you have a higher tolerance)… and then switch to something nonalcoholic. I have a lot of friends in bands and I love to go listen to them play, so I’ll just drink a screwdriver or something when I get there, and then I switch to just orange juice. That way I have something in my hand still to drink (so it tricks my brain into feeling like I’m drinking and I LOOK like I’m drinking as well. haha) but yet I’m not actually getting intoxicated. By the time it’s time to leave, that first and only alcoholic drink has worn off, I’ve had a great time, and I feel great the next day.  Maybe give that a try the next time you go out?

    #238127
    SeekingSolace
    Participant

    Valora,

    Deep down I know that it does squarely sit with the person who was unfaithful, I feel much better nowadays than I did when I submitted this topic (I owe this to Tiny Buddha, especially those who have responded to my original post). I still feel a little bit guilty but I think this will fade in time.

    That is really good advice – I actually did this on a social occasion a few nights ago. I decided that I would drive, had one alcohol drink throughout the whole evening and I had a great time with no feeling of regret the next day! I have some Christmas parties with work in the pipeline, so I think that I will drive, have just one drink and then head home when everyone begins getting a bit too merry. 🙂

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