Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delayed message. I am feeling so tired, tense, just not in the best place right now. I have been watching things about “the fear of abandonment”, adn how it affects relationships. All the signs they described, I recognize so much. The leaving relationships before someone can abandon you, not stating boundaries, self-abandonment. It is so tiring, that I feel everything opposing I say, or little criticism I feel, I am afraid to tell the person bc I am afraid it will hurt them so much. With my parents I feel that when I choose myself, lately, I proposed to call once a week, and little to no whatsapp, gives me a bot of rest bc I felt so overwhelmed somehow when my mum and I started texting again. Eventhough the conversation felt so light, we just talked about her sick cousin, but I felt like I wanted to care too much for her, and I could not handle. There was no real reason why I felt so overwhelmed per se, it just scared me that they could talk to me, anytime. I feel like I have no boundaries whatsoever, and that is bc I get so easily guilted, when I think, assume, or know someone else might be hurt by my boundary. For some reason, boundaries others have toward me also hurt me. Weird, right? I heard this is one sign of fear of abandonment. I lost many relationships and friendships bc of leaving impulsively; either bc I judged and expected someone was too good for me, or would leave me anyway bc he would think I was weird or so, or boring, anything. And then I end up missing the best people…the best chances in work too…bc I am afraid I will fail and then they would leave and reject me. What a curse this is. One thing is for sure…I won’t be ready for dating for a very long time…I don’t want to think of anyone wle, and I feel like this wound only causes problems and trauma, for others too…bc they end up believeing I don’t like them, but in reality it’s just that I coud not accept them liking me, and then rejecting me…last week my therapist said I have to ‘say goodbye’ to Philip, and the very word made me cry even. I have seen a youtube clip by Guy Winch on broken heart, it was so good: it said you should not think f them bc it will perpetuate the hurt, Take away all hope, and such. I know I must, and will try. But I just cannot picture myself with anyone else now, or a long time…anyway, a relationship won’t make me happy now anyways. I better focus on new jobs and such. I know my father is not so good about therapy..I will try and not talk about it with him, as I know therapy helps me a lot and I will continue with it.

Oh, that is so painful, Anita. To feel like you ‘are like a ship lost at sea’. I can relate to that so much. It is interesting how that comes from being enmeshed. Could it also have to do with your father leaving you? Just like me, an abandonment wound? Also because I recognize the wanting to please…in order for people to please not leave you. That is such a painful feeling, right..
How are you now, do you feel like you can be yourself a bit more? I heard fear of abandonment can lead to self abandonment too..everything to keep the caregiver of your youth around…so exhausting, and painful..
I feel you, pushing people away with the warm – cold. Is it for you that usually something has happened, or is it when they come too close? I can imagine, that is really painful to see it happening. I watched a youtube clip yesterday – I don”t know if it might be helpful for you, but it was so enlightening for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut-WSoynR1Y
Ahh, I’m sorry for what happened with your mum! But you know, I think it is a good thing you said that you did not like her doing that, it is so good that you”re stating your boundary, right? Hopefully she will now know, that her behaviour is not appreciated. I think protecting yourself in that way was a very brave act, we both know how difficult it is to do just that…How did she react? If I may ask. Can imagine trusting anyone, feels like betrayal, since she taught you not to. But I think it was not right for her to teach you that, right..? How else is a person to feel safe in this world? I can imagine it feels wrong for you, to do it anyway. But I hope you will find peace in doing so anyway, regardless of what your mum thinks.

I have seen my mum yet…her uncle was too weak. I am not sure if, and when I am going…

Oh Anita, now that I ahev accepted the break up – and I do still find myself fanatsizing, and hoping at times, but I do think it is reaching me better now, that it is really over – I feel such a heavy sadness at times. People keep telling me: it was just a guy. Go date somebody else. But it just does not feel that way. He was special, we had something special…I think there was an interesting bond. But I just don’t know how to get rid of the sadness. It hurts so extra bc it wa something I caused mysefl, something that could still have existed if I had not acted this way…

warmest hugs!!

Emma

Thank you so much again, Anita! I have had some quite overwhelming days, dealing with my parents, the grief of the relationship, but also better things like hope for a new job and such. I had a call today with my mum, which was nice, as we had a good talk about nice things, not turning too heavy. It made me feel like she was not pressuring me, whcih was good. It does make me a bit nervous though, the bond woth my father; I talked to him too, and was honest with him: that the way he framed his opinions when we wer youg, mad eme adapt myself to his opinions. He told me taht I can always tell him these criticisms, but that he does not like therapy(which I have) bc it makes me stuck in the past according to him, and it is always better to look to the future, he says. Well, I don’t know – feels like he is avoidant too. He did wake me up though, to pick my life up again. But it worries me, how much he pushed and pushes his opinion at times. I think my mum has lost a part of herself with him…she is into sport, rock music…he has always criticized that…I believe she is unhappy at times about it…but what am I to do…
It mad eme see that I pick similar partners as my mum I think. Philip was a critical, and I feel tried to shape me a bit too. My friend said she thought of it as a trauma bond. Both of us had issues from the past. Maybe that is why it felt soo intense with him. I could see the scared and sweet ‘boy’ inside, which i guess I also seem to see in my father. Think Philip was sort of surprised by it, saying the caring is what he actually needed. I wonder, yes maybe I choose partners that can lead, and I can depend on, but do not let me be myself cause that is scary for me too, to trust my own opinion. I have to be careful not to let my father shape me again. To not give into too much contact. That would be scary. That is so confusing: he both promotes independence in me, but also puts pressure on me to be in contact. I told him I thought he was too forceful at times, trying to puch me into contact the way he wanted. That felt good though, even though it seemed he found in nonsensical/silly of me to want to limit contact. I guess I am just not so good at keeping boundaries in the moment, so I need these more rigid boundaries like distance. Gosh, I hope I can keep them. I feel I need therapy on that, a lot. Tahnk you for offering to walk with me, that would be really nice. I feel for you too, the way you were enmeshed with her too. That there was no space for you, even though you were the child, who needed care. Do you still feel results of it, as you said, not daring to trust your own voice?

I hope you have a great day Anita <3

Warm wishes, Emma

Here I meant, “why do I…” of course 🙂

“He reminded me of my brother, who was also very complimentary. My god…why do you only see things afterwards?”

I hope you had a nive 4th of July, I believe that is a big celebration in the US right?

Emma

Hi Anita,

No problem, I will keep it short! Don’t feel obliged to answer by the way – we can always speak again next week!

Mmm yes, Anita, you’re right – it must have been scary for Philip that i kept contacting him, I really should not have. Maybe I felt to anxious, and even could not accept that now he did not want me anymore, eventhough he had given me several chances before. Kind of scary that I did not respect it, really.

Oh yes, I did not even think of it, that his presumed fear of being taken advantage of got triggered in the situation with me. But how? It was never my aim..he was negative about women in other ways too, struck me. Saying it would be perfectly normal for him that if a man and woman got pregnant by accident, but he was of higher class and his family wanted him to marry someone of higher rank than that woman, it would be fine for the man to buy her and the baby an apartment if they should never contact him. I found that kind of cold.

Ahh thanks for being so kind with your compliments!

Ah yes, It was just a thought of me, that maybe you’re mother was afraid of being criticized in your words, though very unjustified I imagine.

Oh my, that must have been very difficult, feeling your parents were not there…I can’t imagine. Was there a reason, were they busy with all sorts of things? Can imagine that must have had painful effect on you..a child cannot make sense of something like that, right? If the parents do not what feels like their duty..

Have a lovely busy weekend, Anita!

<3 Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your answer. And for telling me, that I am not irrational – I already Philip in the beginning that I used to not start on relationships out of the fear of the break up, which has always been such a long and difficult proces, sdue to these loops – even though I have only known Philip for about 4 weeks. Friends tell me I should not cling so much to him, wondering why I can’t let go – I think this might be the reason. Even though the realization that he is not coming back, as friends had be telling me too, hurts, it makes total sense and it should make it easier to let go at some point…otherwise I would always doubt if I should go on with soemone else. I think I felt so safe with Philip too, in ways: yes the ong interesting calls, but also, I guess, maybe that he is not so soft – which made me feel I can be the soft one. I guess I am going on the date, then, maybe it’s good to try and meet new people. Iwas so touched when I saw the little moments in Philip when he did let go of his guard, slowly..I put my head on his shoulder, one time, while watching a movie. He now and then put his head on mine, as in a reaction I guess. Though not all the time, maybe that was the vulnerability showing…or that he really liked it when I took his hand after the first date…that was so cute, and I was so surprised he liked that, seeing he had this tough exterior. Even though it really pains me to move on and I prefered it if I did not have too – I think I will keep him as my special person and memory, hoping he will still have a few good memories of me too. But what do you think has made him feel most unsafe? Would it have been the hot-cold, or me calling him ‘disrespectful’ and ‘very judgmental’ in that discussion. I did see he had stated on his updated dating profile that he warned the women that he is direct and such. It’s just…I hope he will realize that I really liked him for him…I have not had a way to tell him, that me finding him ‘disrespectful’ may have had more to do with my fear of criticism. Even though he has had similar criticism from other people..I wondered – he told me repeatedly in the beginning that “people who beat around the bush”, were easily hurt by words, and were telling others to behave morally (cause he said he lacked empathy himself, which…I wonder if that’s true) were not his kind of people. But he also said he could have learned from me – I think precisely in learning how to communicate more subtly. So interesting how he could dislike and envy the same thing in people. He also sounded liek he really respected one of his high school deans, for being so calm and giving him space to tell his story, when he had been expelled from one of his classes again. To be honest, i admired Philip for being so daring – he once said he told one of the religion teachers “I eat God’s word” after he ripped out pages from the Bible because he was in a row with the teacher. Haha I would have never dared it. I heard that hods that have had a very strict upbringing, tend to get aggressive, have difficulty with authority, and a lack of empathy later on in life. It did sound like him – and like me a bit, if I’m honest. Even though I tend to feel for others too much at times, I also can detach easily if I need space, which may hurt others.
So…you think it may not automtically be he does not like me at all, anymore? Even though he will never reach out again? I hope he will at least still like parts of me, even if we will never meet again. Hopefully that’s why he could not be friends, at first, before I criticized him, making him dislike me even more, possibly. I guess he has lost trust in me, to be how he is: blunt; but you know, he told me one time, that what he really needed was care and softness, and that I calmed him down. He sounded surprised by his own words, as he, I believe, was convincing himself, out loud, that someone more feisty would have ended up in constant rows. I think it must be difficult for him: finding someone caring who can handle his bluntness – but maybe not. I believe his mother was very feisty., and his father very strict – poor guy, maybe he is avoidant, not really trusting people with his emotions…
One of his closest friends told him not to bee too angry with me, first time he had to convince me to stay – I wonder why his friend can correct his behavior, but not me..
I guess Philip reminded me too much of my father and brother, in the moment, telling me what I can’t and can believe – I met him at the wrong time, if I were further on my journey, and had learned how to deal with boundaries and such, it might have been better. Even though I did not really care for the amount of discussions, and the fact that Philip clearly disliked stupidity in people, and I can be sort of naive/vague at times.
I would have liked to have him in my life, even as friends – but maybe that would have been too difficult as he would be dating others.

Oh, so interesting how you story with Robert sounds similar to mine with Philip. How you declined his offer to getting to know you, because you did not like yourself. I”m sorry you have through that as well. Do you think that moment had come out of the doubt your mother placed inside of you? As what I can see, you are a very beautiful person, but it is hard to see from within, sometimes. Have you thought about him for long, after that? It sounds like you also acted out of self protection.

That sounds tough as well, your mother constantly doubting your words – it sounds like she was afraid you would criticize her while you were not at all! Looking for any negativity in your words? Could it have been a reflection of her own insecurities? Painful for you how she ‘applied’ it to you (I don’t know which English verb to use best there, haha). I can imagine that voice has been very petrifying in moments, so that you would constantly doubted yourself.

mmm….is that how it works? I constantly doubt myself as well – if getting angry about something is justified – which causes me to ask any of my friends/family if they would be angry in that moment, so I know if am allowed to be.

Thank you, for telling me about compassion – and you are so right – I did not even understand what was going on inside of me…I guess I felt like I may have had control over myself if I would have thought more clearly, but I think things happened in such unconscious ways – the push and pull, the fear that came up when he did not make new plans with me, me being afraid I had said something wrong if he did not react at times – and then pulling away when I came up with new things why he could reject me later on. I read avoidants do talk about other women often, and about ‘phantom exes’, this made me very insecure as well. They say it’s to create insecurity/distance so the avoidant has control. But you mentioned this before, why do you think he wanted control?

Oh, if I may ask, was you self-hate based on anything that had happened before, or something your parents said or so? I think that was the case with me. But it is good to hear that self-compassion has alleviated your pain as well.

Thank you, Anita, for telling me all this, it is a very warm message, and I am so happy you are here with me. It really helps to hear someone else’s view, and you really opened my eyes about how Philip may have been self protecting too. One more thing…I have a feeling he may have been scared of women, somehow. Telling me he never knew women liked him, when he was young. talking about guys, how they would know better how a guy works, what feels good to them…he also seemed afraid women would take advantage of him – it was atheme in many stories he told me. And he was surprised how I gave him care, instead of just him giving care to his exes.It hurts to think how he may find soemone else who will be able to stay with him, someone a bit more developed mentally, not taking things personally, someone more secure whose self-doubt won’t get in the way. He seemed understanding at times, of what I was going through, that I was just scared of rejection, telling me you got to take a chance if you want romance. But what he did not know was that I was so surprised that he liked me. I never told him, apart from in the letter I left him, which he probably did not even read.

Thank you for being here, Anita, it means a lot
<3 Emma

Oh I meant – I believe Philip’s sensitive spots were that he urt people by being so blunt and harsh…and I called him “disrespectful” and “very judgmental” when I texted him…because I was afraid I would lose myself if I did not tell him this before we might continue dating