Hi Anita,

Thanks for responding. Yes I know the song, Nothing Compares 2U, I really like it actually, its so raw and exactly how it can feel. I have habit of leaving things too soon – be it relationships, a job, even therapy – I feel bc I do not give it enough time, Iam afraid people will have expectations that I cannot live up to, and then I will fail and people will criticize me, and maybe leave me or something. Whenever it feels like it’s too high of a level for me, I quit before they can discard me. It really keeps me stuck in places even though I long to prove to myself I can reach something ‘higher’, if that is the case. Be it in jobs, men, social life, anything…I am quite shy in nature, but I feel that is not really me, but the truth is, I think, I come from a family with critical parents, even though now I also feel they are loving. My father was always a bit reserved in showing his love for us, so I always wondered…even though he is always there for us, and so is my mum, I just feel like they wanted us to be a certain way, I guess. I never dared to become fully myself. My sister is good at shaming others too – whenever she and they suspect someone is showing off, they are met with remarks like “who do they think they are?”, and so I do not dare to come out of my shell too much.
May I ask, do you have any tips on how to look at a lost love? How to think about it? Everybody says, “just keep on dating, he was nothing special”, but for me it feels like we had something special. Maybe it was the breaking it off too soon that keeps me wondering if it would have been good.
Ah, the question I asked was: I was wondering since you told me a bit about your background, and (like me?) it may not have been too easy for you as well as me to rely on your own judgment (I believe you told me this), if that at times presents itself in other things, like it does in the writing, that you used AI (which I have no ordeal over ofc!)? Just curiosity, as I do recognize it – being a people pleaser, I usually wear some mask of “kindness” with many people I meet. It’s so tiring. I am trying to be my true self, but how to know what that looks like?

My mum, btw, also is caring too much about other people’s feelings, like me, and like her, I have great difficulties to contain my emotions.

Have a lovely day, Anita,

Warmly, or as we say in Dutch: “groetjes” (‘small greetings’)
Emma

Hi Anita,

Hmm, not doing too well actually. I am feeling bad bc of the OCD thoughts…just don’t know what therapy would help best, my current one, which is more like psycho analysis, or exposure therapy. Thing is I am afraid what this problem is, if it’s actually OCD or real..which frightens me. On top of that…the heartbreak is still there. I just cannot seem to accept it is over…I know I should, but breaking things off too soon…I think it will leave me wondering forevering if I let something good go, something I thought I did not deserve. I have done this often in life, leaving too soon bc I was afraid of the discussion. I should have…now the dates I have had in the meantime really do not compare. It just hurts so much that I will never speak to him again. I really feel like it was not supposed to be this way. I know people say, this was just one guy, why worry, but it felt like it could have been so special. Like he really got me. I could have learmed from me. Sorry for talking about it again. I know you think it better not and that is true. But this is truthfully what is on my mind as well.

As to the remark about the boundaries, I believe you mentioned it in your last post – that you thought that bumping against someone’s healthy boundaries felt painful, but then maybe you said that to me?

I am so glad that you now learn to trust writing in your own voice, to be honest, I prefer it too 🙂 your advise has always been very good and kind, with or without AI, but somehow I think it feels more real talking straight to someone else! Have you had feeling s like this with other things too, if I may ask? That depending on your own voice/judgement maybe felt scary?

Warmly,
Emma

Dear Anita,

Here I am again! I will leave you my emailaddress, maybe we can continue through email? emmaverhoog@hotmail.com
It’s been a tough time, I am dealing, with what I think, is OCD. I Have had these periods throughout my life, different themes, but this time it is difficult to let go, and it makes me wonder if these are really just thoughts. It’s kind of scary. Wow, what you are describing about how healthy boundaries can feel like threats if you have abandonment wounds, sounds so real and plausible. It does feel like that to me, unfortunately. Do you recognize it too? (feel free to answer me through email!)
Oh my…you have gone through a lot, it must have been so scary, to live with a parent that has such volatile emotions. No wonder at all that you learned (I think?) to adapt yourself to others. So painful to your own sense of self..and placeing others before yourself. Are you still in contact with your mother? That is a touching story about you, in the isolation ward. If you remember – why do you think you clung to the nurse, instead of reaching out to your mother, could it have been the nurse felt safer, or maybe was with you through such hard times as sickness?
Your very welcoming about the video, so happy it helped. Als very interestoing experience you had, a bout the ‘zero’…good, in a sense, to feel recognized in pain I think..

Wishes you a lovely day, despite the heaviness you shared!

Warmly, Emma

Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delayed message. I am feeling so tired, tense, just not in the best place right now. I have been watching things about “the fear of abandonment”, adn how it affects relationships. All the signs they described, I recognize so much. The leaving relationships before someone can abandon you, not stating boundaries, self-abandonment. It is so tiring, that I feel everything opposing I say, or little criticism I feel, I am afraid to tell the person bc I am afraid it will hurt them so much. With my parents I feel that when I choose myself, lately, I proposed to call once a week, and little to no whatsapp, gives me a bot of rest bc I felt so overwhelmed somehow when my mum and I started texting again. Eventhough the conversation felt so light, we just talked about her sick cousin, but I felt like I wanted to care too much for her, and I could not handle. There was no real reason why I felt so overwhelmed per se, it just scared me that they could talk to me, anytime. I feel like I have no boundaries whatsoever, and that is bc I get so easily guilted, when I think, assume, or know someone else might be hurt by my boundary. For some reason, boundaries others have toward me also hurt me. Weird, right? I heard this is one sign of fear of abandonment. I lost many relationships and friendships bc of leaving impulsively; either bc I judged and expected someone was too good for me, or would leave me anyway bc he would think I was weird or so, or boring, anything. And then I end up missing the best people…the best chances in work too…bc I am afraid I will fail and then they would leave and reject me. What a curse this is. One thing is for sure…I won’t be ready for dating for a very long time…I don’t want to think of anyone wle, and I feel like this wound only causes problems and trauma, for others too…bc they end up believeing I don’t like them, but in reality it’s just that I coud not accept them liking me, and then rejecting me…last week my therapist said I have to ‘say goodbye’ to Philip, and the very word made me cry even. I have seen a youtube clip by Guy Winch on broken heart, it was so good: it said you should not think f them bc it will perpetuate the hurt, Take away all hope, and such. I know I must, and will try. But I just cannot picture myself with anyone else now, or a long time…anyway, a relationship won’t make me happy now anyways. I better focus on new jobs and such. I know my father is not so good about therapy..I will try and not talk about it with him, as I know therapy helps me a lot and I will continue with it.

Oh, that is so painful, Anita. To feel like you ‘are like a ship lost at sea’. I can relate to that so much. It is interesting how that comes from being enmeshed. Could it also have to do with your father leaving you? Just like me, an abandonment wound? Also because I recognize the wanting to please…in order for people to please not leave you. That is such a painful feeling, right..
How are you now, do you feel like you can be yourself a bit more? I heard fear of abandonment can lead to self abandonment too..everything to keep the caregiver of your youth around…so exhausting, and painful..
I feel you, pushing people away with the warm – cold. Is it for you that usually something has happened, or is it when they come too close? I can imagine, that is really painful to see it happening. I watched a youtube clip yesterday – I don”t know if it might be helpful for you, but it was so enlightening for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut-WSoynR1Y
Ahh, I’m sorry for what happened with your mum! But you know, I think it is a good thing you said that you did not like her doing that, it is so good that you”re stating your boundary, right? Hopefully she will now know, that her behaviour is not appreciated. I think protecting yourself in that way was a very brave act, we both know how difficult it is to do just that…How did she react? If I may ask. Can imagine trusting anyone, feels like betrayal, since she taught you not to. But I think it was not right for her to teach you that, right..? How else is a person to feel safe in this world? I can imagine it feels wrong for you, to do it anyway. But I hope you will find peace in doing so anyway, regardless of what your mum thinks.

I have seen my mum yet…her uncle was too weak. I am not sure if, and when I am going…

Oh Anita, now that I ahev accepted the break up – and I do still find myself fanatsizing, and hoping at times, but I do think it is reaching me better now, that it is really over – I feel such a heavy sadness at times. People keep telling me: it was just a guy. Go date somebody else. But it just does not feel that way. He was special, we had something special…I think there was an interesting bond. But I just don’t know how to get rid of the sadness. It hurts so extra bc it wa something I caused mysefl, something that could still have existed if I had not acted this way…

warmest hugs!!

Emma

Thank you so much again, Anita! I have had some quite overwhelming days, dealing with my parents, the grief of the relationship, but also better things like hope for a new job and such. I had a call today with my mum, which was nice, as we had a good talk about nice things, not turning too heavy. It made me feel like she was not pressuring me, whcih was good. It does make me a bit nervous though, the bond woth my father; I talked to him too, and was honest with him: that the way he framed his opinions when we wer youg, mad eme adapt myself to his opinions. He told me taht I can always tell him these criticisms, but that he does not like therapy(which I have) bc it makes me stuck in the past according to him, and it is always better to look to the future, he says. Well, I don’t know – feels like he is avoidant too. He did wake me up though, to pick my life up again. But it worries me, how much he pushed and pushes his opinion at times. I think my mum has lost a part of herself with him…she is into sport, rock music…he has always criticized that…I believe she is unhappy at times about it…but what am I to do…
It mad eme see that I pick similar partners as my mum I think. Philip was a critical, and I feel tried to shape me a bit too. My friend said she thought of it as a trauma bond. Both of us had issues from the past. Maybe that is why it felt soo intense with him. I could see the scared and sweet ‘boy’ inside, which i guess I also seem to see in my father. Think Philip was sort of surprised by it, saying the caring is what he actually needed. I wonder, yes maybe I choose partners that can lead, and I can depend on, but do not let me be myself cause that is scary for me too, to trust my own opinion. I have to be careful not to let my father shape me again. To not give into too much contact. That would be scary. That is so confusing: he both promotes independence in me, but also puts pressure on me to be in contact. I told him I thought he was too forceful at times, trying to puch me into contact the way he wanted. That felt good though, even though it seemed he found in nonsensical/silly of me to want to limit contact. I guess I am just not so good at keeping boundaries in the moment, so I need these more rigid boundaries like distance. Gosh, I hope I can keep them. I feel I need therapy on that, a lot. Tahnk you for offering to walk with me, that would be really nice. I feel for you too, the way you were enmeshed with her too. That there was no space for you, even though you were the child, who needed care. Do you still feel results of it, as you said, not daring to trust your own voice?

I hope you have a great day Anita <3

Warm wishes, Emma

Here I meant, “why do I…” of course 🙂

“He reminded me of my brother, who was also very complimentary. My god…why do you only see things afterwards?”

I hope you had a nive 4th of July, I believe that is a big celebration in the US right?

Emma