Thak you for this, Anita! I will answer tomorrow!

With warmth, Emma

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your message. Yes, i think Philip represented a ‘shadow side’ of me, a part that I desperately want tp acknowledge, as I feel I am not living up to my power. The scary part, I feel, is taking risks, with the fear of failing and shame and rejection. I called both my parents today, after talking with my therapist. I was honest with my mum and told her that I was hurt bny how she seemed to ahift blame onto me. My father was way more straight forward with me. Saying I should not piut so much value onto his opinion, feeling like his opinion of things was holding me back, this is something I so often limited myzelf by. Today he said, you are 31, why do you still tell me this and let yourself be limited by my beliefs? It irritated me bc he used to be so opinionated. But it also woke me up. These were things my brother and Philip told me, they are older, you should not try and change them, let them be who they are and do your own things. I just feel so sad bc I have so little self esteem. I do not dare take risks, and always go for safe options. Be it in jobs, or men. This is why I let better opportunities such as higher jobs, or in my opinions, more challenging men, like Philip, go. There is a guy I am meeting onn Friday. But he seems to insecure, just like me. And I feel like I need someone like Philip, who could push me and make me live up to what I could be if I were not so insecure. I feel like again he might be too careful, too soft for me. He told me that like me, he went for easy jobs, maybe out of insecurity. Philip just went for jobs above his expertise but just bluffed. I guess that is what I need…someone who helps me along, who pushes me too, who challenges me. But it was too soon maybe, I could not see. You’re right I should not talk about him too much so I can forget. But it is so hard…he is just still so special for me. I just cannot see him as someone who ‘just’m was one of the many. It felt like such a special connection. Like yin and yang or something. He reminded me of my brother, who was also very complimentary. My god…why do you only see things afterwards? I was just so afraid I could not be enough. I guess I am so disappointed in myself. I am thinking of doing a Jung shadow work session somewhere. Maybe that helps! I hope I can find some peace about this. I am sorry to come to Philip somoften. It just feels like something I should not have let go of so soon.

I limited contact with my parents..saying they should just keep it light…and my father seemed to be hurt by it. Maybe I should reconsider. Maybe I am afraid of nothing.

I am thinking about doing something else with my carreer. Maybe being an artist would be great..but that is so scary bc of the money. I am painting furniture. I was thinking about doing this on the side. I am thinking about maybe teaching in primary school…

Oh yes, enmeshment really sounds like that was there with me and my mum…she shared too much with me, about her difficulty with my father at times, her ex she still felt sorry for, for leaving him for my father (or at least, leaving him so hurt, and the fact that he was more like my mother apparently…). Thank you for the bullet points! It is good to know…I am have just opened contact with my father more, and maybe with my mum…I just need to be careful of what I want in contact. And feel where I want to draw a line…that is still tricky.

That has been heavy for you too…no space for your emotions..did she ever listen if you were sad? Like you had to be her mum…that’s hard, feeling like your feelings did not matter. If I may ask, how come your mum was so…not open to your inner world?

Warm wishes,
Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for reaching out even though your weekend is so busy. Shadow work sounds like its very helpful for me – I think Philip even represented the part of me – the strong part, taking control over you own life – which I have never learned to do. I rememebr seeing a clip on youtube about healing, and they asked a question, which animals would you need there to soothe you? I wanteda lion and an eagle, I remember, they really made me cry. I think it is because I feel like a lack strength and agnecy over my own life. My mum is so sensitove, when I told her about the things that hurt me in the past she did, she cries and she told me I am overly sensitive. It does make me angry, because as you said before: I do think you’re right in saying there was never much space for acknowledging my feelings. I remember my falling saying we should “reload”, or whatever word he used, in Dutch it was something like ‘restore’, by which he meant, ‘change feelings’ whenever especially my brother got angry. I think this shows we were not really allowed to be angry. It does make me angry at my parents – maybe this is not fair. But it keeps me from getting to close to my parents now that I am older – I don’t want them too close anymore because I want to be free. My fatyher tells me I should tell him if there is something he did wrong – but my mum does not like it and makes me feel bad for doing it. Very confusing. She was not used to doing that herself I think, she recently told me she told her sister that her sister hurt her, and this was a first for her…
I am trying to not think about Philip too much anymore, as my friends and brother told me it won’t help me, what happened has happened, it will only hurt me to think about him and the memories. It is true, my mood gets better npt thinking too much about him. But I do feel a sadness, and such regret for me not being ready for him. He could have been everything I could have needed, if it would have been the right time. A little hope is still there, biut it should not, as you said, because he is hurt too much and he told me to go away so harshly. Pushing people away when things get tough seems to be a very distructive pattern I have taken on – but this is how I cope whne I don’t dear to assert boundaries or speak up.

I read a comment of a lady on this website, who is also fearful avoidant, and she said she broke up with a fearful avoidant guy. I wonder, do you think Philip had an attachment problem too?

With love and warmth,

Emma

*hods=kids

hahaha typo

Thank you, Anita, take your time 🙂

Hi Anita,

Thank you…yes it seems to have been such a weird and painful process, Philip and me – even my current thoughts, regrets, memories..
I just feel like it could have been so special and interesting, him strong in ways I’m not, and I could have helped him maybe accessing his emotions, and becoming a bit more aware of others’ feelings. I wish I could have kept myself from these impulses. I have a silent wish and hope that he would return, maybe after a while, hopefully remembering how special it was…or at least it was for me. The long phonecalls..the long first date. I feel like I am looping and not want to loose these thoughts, cause they are all I have of him. I hate myself for breaking up with him. Friday I have planned a date with another guy, but I honestly don’t feel like it…I just don’t want to replace Philip, or cannot stand the idea of someone else holding me or so. But maybe Philip has already found somebody else too. The way he told me to leave really showed me he seems to hate me. He said “if we can stay friends this will happen in the future” when I broke it off. I seem to hope him not being able to be friends with me shows he still had feelings – but this was before my continuous…contacting after his request for space.

I think it must be related to OCD, yes – this is just my head forcing me to think of it – but also, because I want to stay connected to Philip in a way. I would love to show youa photo of him, he’s on Linkedin, but sharing the link might cause trouble in the long run I think. I was wondering, and I don’t know why I’m asking this but – what do you think he will be thinking of me? I guess I’m asking to think of what chances I still have left…none I guess. Sorry for asking this – it is impossible to answer, I’m sure. I fear I have really hurt him in his, what I think are, sensitive spots: disrespectfulk and very judgmental. I said it in the moment because I was so afraid that he could be limiting me in being myself – but I have come to see, that I am the one who should have taken his words less personal, he was just attacking the things I thought were true: MBTI, astrology, and that I knew too little things of the world, like philosophy etc.
I was wondering – have you ever been through such regrets in love, if this is not too personal – and if so, how did you cope with it…be at peace with it, and the idea that if I had not done this or that..I might have had him still..

And yes setting the boundaries feels so scary to me – but I can imagine it will be so much better if I have control over the energyin leave in or out.

Oh, so you also have experiences with OCD? I have heard it comes from a very strict upbringing..your story sounds like a very painful experince, Anita – your mum sounds like she has been quite judgmental too, do you know what were her reasons for doubting? Did she think you would improve of it? I always wonder why parents go to these tactics – it sounds so unkind, those words she used. I feel for you too, Anita – and how it stayed with you in the form of an inner voice – it’s not strange that that deveoped out of this, like you were forced to take her words to heart, even though they were very probably untrue most of the time. I can imagine it limits a child’s wish to explore the world, being held back by doubts and maybe insecurity – even more impressive that you moved to another country early in life!!
I’m happy the voice has become softer, and it gives you peace. You deserve that!

Warm wishes,
Emma

Thank you Anita, for your compliment, that really touches me.
Mmm…I have been wondering, I have had OCD all my life, and it seems like I’m stuck in this break up – I’ve had that before. Maybe it is ROCD – would suit the continuously doubtinh of the partner, etc. Even Philip himself seemed to have done this – if I remebered well – he constantly seemd to compare me to exes, and other women, and constant doubts even though he said he felt good about it.

You’re right about boundaries – setting them feels so scary for me, because of people’s reactions. Yes…must say I kind of was aware of Philip’s boundaries…but every time I thought, “but he does not understand me, what if I explained?”, since he repeatedly convinced me, and at one point, told me, he would keep doing so, I think I may have taken that for granted and thought I could still convince him..

Oh, what would he be thinking of me now? I just feel like, could his feelings for me have evaporated so suddenly? That hurts, eventhough I would understand bc of my behaviour.

Some small starting points might be taking time to think before answering, noticing what feels too much, or even pausing to ask yourself, “Do I want this, or do I feel pressured?” Each of these is you saying, “I matter, too.” This is a very good one…I should really remember this…

I will make a note for on my wall!

Thank you, Anita

Warm wishes,
Emma

Hi Anita,

Nice to hear you don’t think me crazy – I could imagine it was very intrusive for him, me being in the hallway of his flat..but it was so hard to hear that it seemed I am now some kind of enemy, while we had such nice times. And I went there because I just could not cope with the idea that he thought I rejected him because I did not like him. This was really not the case, as you know from my messages. I keep on wanting to change the past that if I had known that these things were my issues, and if I were mentally more stable and grown before meeting him, we might have worked out. But of course, it is sort of useless to think about it constantly, that way.Even though friends have pointed out his red flag – the continuously talking about exes, allowing himself things but not me like (TMI, maybe, but he said he would not want me to sleep with another man on the side, but he said it would not be unnatural for a man to do so, and even mentioned he would be open to it, it made me distrust him around other women a bit – when I said I would not want that, he accepted).

Thank you for your offer for writing the letter – I have composed something for my parents – and I am sort of nervous about how they will take it. It might be a little tricky to translate it, but I would like to share their reactions with you, if that’s ok!

Warm wishes,
Emma