Thanks for your previous message, Anita. I have been a bit busy so getting back to you now!
I am happy to hear you did not think W would have been good for me, I am trying to convince myself of it. To be honest, and I feel bad about this: I really do hope it was the OCD, and that I did not get the key back immediately (or, at leaast, said to the colleague he could keep it) for the wrong reasons. What if it was for the wrong reason – W did not trust me with this entirely, I believe. I I am just sorry I gave him the feeling he was not good enough for me, this was so not the case…it was just my oppressive conscience forcing me to confess this.
Anyway, I have been on two dates last week, I did it to get some perspective and show myself W is not the only one out there…but I got so sad and missed him again, conversations were just not as easy and fun, nor did they feel so fitting in character. I thought I was the only immature one, but yes, he was too I guess. Just feels so bad if he’s gonna meet someone he likes better…haha anyway, that’s notmarl reaction I guess.

Wow what an effect that had on you, managing your mother’s emotions. It is really sad right, that as a kid, and an adult, such things have such effect. I am happy to hear you did get the chance to work on it! How did you do it?

Haha nice, hot fudge ice cream. I guess my favorite is something with chocolate or coconut.

I had a thing with my father last week…I was with my parents a couple of weeks ago, and we were watching TV, when a song came up. I really liked the song. Then my father askes “really, do you like this?!”. something like that. He has done that before…I felt shame because of my taste, I told him I really did not like the remark, and he said something a little mean, I don’t remember, like he cannot take criticism. I told him later that remarks like that give me the feeling of shame, and makes me adapt myself to his taste, to get his approval. He then said, that I was overly sensitive, and that he just wanted to give his opinion, but it was not on purpose to do something, I said to him, what f I would do that to you? Then he said, “I would just shrug it off”. I now wonder if I am crazy. I am seeing him tomorrow, I have already said something about this 2 times, and I am seeing him for his bday, so it may be sad to bring it up again. I wonder if I should tell him, that it is not just ‘his nature’, as he called it, so he cannot do anything about it, he could not guarantee not saying these things again. Or if I shoukld tell him, these remarks make me wanna take distance. I am nervous and angry, and fearful to hurt him by starting on it again. My parents both cannot take feedback, and I think are afraid of conflict, as we all are…
I feel like we all are emotionally immature actually. But it is something i want to work on, but it is difficult when they do not. Maybe I am the one who concerns myself too much with their opinions, but then why do they feel like the have to share their opinion so often, and judge people all the time….so tiring…

Love, Emma

Hi Anita, thanks for your message. It is interesting that you drew these parallels, I think you may be very right. What worries me, is that I do not see how unhealthy W behaved towards me. He warned me for it though, that as soon as his insecurity is triggered, he shows a worse side of himself. I wonder, he had a 12 year long relationship, ic he had issues then too. And how he knows this saboug himself. Maybe he ecperienced it before.

I did say something very hurtful, that I might have had feelings for this colleague, and that may be why I wanted him to keep the key…I am unsure…thoughts afe mixing up. I wonder if thag wasvthe intent at all…ocd is difficjlt whe it comes to memory. But maybe…I don’t know, he still overreacted. Worst is, he was angry I did not take his offer immediataely when he offered me the chat. He did not consider, I guess, how bad he treated me…that he broke up impulsively, cause he did not wanna deal with the mixed feelings over christmas. He did, anyway, hahah. Than he told me he would cancel our appojntment bc he was angry and tense about it all. I do wonder why I did not feel how much I hurt him with the key issue. Only later i did. I do feel guilty, about me telling hjm in the end, that “we should let each other go for now, cause now we won’t see each others best version, and maybe meet later, after working on our issues, if we would still be single”. That “I found his anger was intense, and i did not feel safe when he used that sort of punishing language”. I hope I did not make him feel second best again, and hurt him. I told him in the letter, I criticized him out of anger and fear that he was leaving me.
He did say, at some point, he wanted to date others bc he did not know if we were still a match, and he needed time. So…maybe it was a mix of reasons, whg be wanted to dafe others. Almost everyone I speak to, says they would not like him to date othees either, ic it was them.

Yes, the pattern you show me feels real. Do you really think W would have been unealthy for me? How do you think someone more stable would have handled this key issue? All men I am concerned with…are so dominant. They dont see it themselves, but I have learnend to adapt myself, I feel. You think the mask is for that? I feel I wear it with most people, unless Ive known them for a long time and I feel the bond is strong enough to show not only the super sweet side.

Ahh, that’s heavy what you told about your mother. That you felt so responsible for her feelings. I cacn relate. And about the ice cream…that is really heartbreaking. How did you geg overbit? And do you fewl better now? I am happy you found sosmething bavk about uourself, and got to know yourself better 🙂 are you still developing this?

Love, Emma

• This reply was modified 1 week ago by tinybuddha. Reason: Removed personally identifying link

Sorry Anita, for the typos. I have a new phone…and the typing is worse than usual. I also blurt out a lot…in a story thats not orderly…maybe its all the emotion and thd need to be honedt and invlude zll my bad behaviour. But maybe Ill be a bit calmer now after telling you all.

I also wonder hos you are, btw! 🙂

Wow Anita, your messages gave me chills, thank you thank you. I will send you an answer later today, thiking about what to answer.
Have a good night,

Love, Emma

Hi Anita, thanks for reading and replying. What a cute name for your dog, I will look up the actor.
Yes, about the key issue…i never meant to make him feel i was unsure if i wanted to be with him..cause i wasnt, i loved him deeply i just felt i needed to be honest, maybe too honest..
He later said i maybe should not have told him. And kept telling me i should go date this colleague in a somewhat mean tone. I wish i didnt tell him. You said you expected there to be other issues if not for the key….why do you think? I am happy you said so..
He did get very angry already when he felt excluded from a family feast. He said he wanted a stable relationship and me using the wrong words to describe emotions and his insecurity might be a toxic cocktail he said. I am just so sad what other woman will be able to make him happy..? Someone less emotional? and he said i might need a more secure man “not a loser like him”.

I sent him a letter to explain I wanted no contact only out of anger – but i would actually be open to contact. And that blocking would not be necessary for me, only if he wants it. And that there is no need to be insecure

Hi Anita,

I am happy to be speaking agaian as well! Lovely to hear you have a dog, they van be such nice companions. Dk you geel thata way too? What breed is he? And how are you feeling these days?
About my breakup…oh what a story. Ev⁸erything went so fast. W (that’s him) and I met early November, and immediately we both felt so comfortable with each other, we both are I think, creative, thinking similar, dreamy behaviour, he was uoung at heart, like me, into arcade game things he bought, and me, into fairies and fairy tails… I never felt so understood. We both are also very emotional and he felt so supportive. We saw each other very often, after a few weeks, every day…we got jnto a rrlationship the endnov november..and we felt so attached, things went very fast..from his side, even more than mine. to be honest, in the mornings it was impossinle to get up because we were so so comfortable next to each other (sorry if this weird) it was impossible and for some reason we could not easily leave and needed like 5 alarms to get out. Just to show how it felt. He was extremely inseceure, so am i, buf it really sjaped him. He had been rejected by women bc not everyone likes his hjmor, or thag be yalked dtk everybody, or found him somewhat immature. He always seemed to need womens approval and attention, he said women omly wanted him for a night in the past…i did not understand cause i liked him very much. I think i am a big quirky too, sk thag was a good match. He did geg angry when he gelt ti excluded jim from a gamily feast…bug he had nog sbsn met myparengs then. We went away for the weekend just before Christmas, it was so nice. I made the stupid decision….motivated by my very strict consciousnsess and maybe ocd, i forced myself to tell him, eventhough i did mot want it – that a colleague of mine I had dated before, still had a key of my house. But i gave him this after dating. This colleague asked me if i wanted the key back, when i was with W. For some reason i doubted….i wondnered if this colleague still liked having the key…so i could still feel important or that he liked me…i dont tknow. Or that it was just that i did not care and wanted him to feel ok. Then my W asked me, if i still had feelings for thjs colleague…to which I did not know what to say. I do not want to be with him, but i can still see he is handsome and cute, and we have this trusted bond. Anyway…i never ever wanted anuone but my ex,W. Never this colleague. This happened just before christmas. W got angry and needed space so i left, crying deeply…he said i should celebrrate christmas with this colleague..
He said he wanted to talk and i asked if he wanted to break up…this really scared me…W wanted me to come to him, but i was afraid i would gwt some panick attack, there, so i rather had it in my safe space. So he said, ok after crhsitmas. Then he called me, angry suddenly, apparently bc i did not take the effort to go to him and comfort him, and make up, and he broke up with me. He told me “there are always more guys involved with women i am dating and it hurts me and drives me crazy”. Honestly, i never wver wanted this colleague. Then he told me,over christmas, his christmas had been destroyed, and i was to blame, and to blame for the relationship breaking off. W has autism btw. We talked a bit and then he proposed to meet, and that w coad see if we could date again. But when i did not react soon enough to that, he wanted to retract this offer, and when the day of the chat came, he got so angry about everything, he wanted to cancel. Yhen i stepped up and pleaded to meet, then he did say yes…
The he proposed dating, but only if we would also date others. This hurt mw deeply…i could not bear him dating others…neither had i jnterest jn that. He said he lost feelings for me bc of the things that happened…but he still missed me and would try get his feeljngs back. I started arguing …asking whwy over and over we coild not date just the two of us for a while …he refused and said hs could not, bc of his ego that had bee samaged, and jis stubnorn nature, he would feel like giving jn and mot lobing himself if he would, but also bc be was not sure if we were still a match, bc he was unsure if i was stable enough and authentic enough etc….also bc he wanted kids soon and he wanted to “spread his chances”. I ended up arhlguing and it drove him nuts…and i changed my mind offten….asking for a break, coming back fron it bc i was afraid to lose hjm….i wanted to date him but could not with these requqitements…then, bc he said he doubted me, i got scared and i did sometjing childish and tested him..saying maybe we should let each other go for now, work on ourselvevs ans maybe meet in the future if we would again and still single…then he said, i dont do such thjngs…i said ok lets meet next week then and then he broke it of….
I must say i have a pattern of testing peoples love, and him, like he did with me…unhealthy, i know. I wanted to know if he really valued me. So i created distance with that break, etc…
And i asked for stuff back, bc i was hurt if he wojld use it with his new gf…he did not like that, i think, and my brother would contact him about the things, ,bc be would pick them up…then W texted me 2 days later…said he wanted to close the chapter with me so could we make an appointment to pick the things up…
I got so hurt by those words that i lashed out a bit .. saying sorry but it hurt me. I told him we better not contact each other anymore so i cojld also heal quicker and move on…i only said that out of anger and sadness…then he blocked me..
My god why did hd block me…

I am hurt…i know we had a lot of trouble and that colors these beauhiful memories….but it was also great and intense and was so good before…i really don’t understand. He also said that he had hoped it would not be that short…anyway, he said thag some time ago..

Lomg long message…