Thank you Anita, for your compliment, that really touches me.
Mmm…I have been wondering, I have had OCD all my life, and it seems like I’m stuck in this break up – I’ve had that before. Maybe it is ROCD – would suit the continuously doubtinh of the partner, etc. Even Philip himself seemed to have done this – if I remebered well – he constantly seemd to compare me to exes, and other women, and constant doubts even though he said he felt good about it.

You’re right about boundaries – setting them feels so scary for me, because of people’s reactions. Yes…must say I kind of was aware of Philip’s boundaries…but every time I thought, “but he does not understand me, what if I explained?”, since he repeatedly convinced me, and at one point, told me, he would keep doing so, I think I may have taken that for granted and thought I could still convince him..

Oh, what would he be thinking of me now? I just feel like, could his feelings for me have evaporated so suddenly? That hurts, eventhough I would understand bc of my behaviour.

Some small starting points might be taking time to think before answering, noticing what feels too much, or even pausing to ask yourself, “Do I want this, or do I feel pressured?” Each of these is you saying, “I matter, too.” This is a very good one…I should really remember this…

I will make a note for on my wall!

Thank you, Anita

Warm wishes,
Emma

Hi Anita,

Nice to hear you don’t think me crazy – I could imagine it was very intrusive for him, me being in the hallway of his flat..but it was so hard to hear that it seemed I am now some kind of enemy, while we had such nice times. And I went there because I just could not cope with the idea that he thought I rejected him because I did not like him. This was really not the case, as you know from my messages. I keep on wanting to change the past that if I had known that these things were my issues, and if I were mentally more stable and grown before meeting him, we might have worked out. But of course, it is sort of useless to think about it constantly, that way.Even though friends have pointed out his red flag – the continuously talking about exes, allowing himself things but not me like (TMI, maybe, but he said he would not want me to sleep with another man on the side, but he said it would not be unnatural for a man to do so, and even mentioned he would be open to it, it made me distrust him around other women a bit – when I said I would not want that, he accepted).

Thank you for your offer for writing the letter – I have composed something for my parents – and I am sort of nervous about how they will take it. It might be a little tricky to translate it, but I would like to share their reactions with you, if that’s ok!

Warm wishes,
Emma

Hi Anita,

I’ve been a bit busy so some delay in my answer. I have been up to something…really stupid…but I was so desparate. I have been reading up on attachment styles..and together with your ideas as well, I feel like fearful-avoidant sounds more likely..it would explain the hot-cold on my part..they say you want love but at the same time you’re seeply afraid of rejection so you start running…I think this was me and Philip, and I’ve done it before..

But yesterday I had a talk with a friend…I shared the story..he said, well, you can always stop by…if you really feel like you can’t have closure…and maybe leave a letter..

And my god…I did. I went to his town, and house…I’ve been there twice but found the address online cause I only remembered his housenumber…

Then I ringed the bell twice, no answer. Then suddenly he came downstairs to go outside I think…and he opened the door and saw me, shouting “NOOO!” and then I said “please…?” standing there, letter to my chest. Then he ran up the stairs, shouting something similar in English to “FUCK OFF!!”

Oh my god…I’ve let myself really go..I left and I quickly returned to put my letter in his mailbox. In there explained why I behaved the way I did, explaining my mental pattern a bit..

Oh I am so ashamed, and on top of everything, I think I now destroyed all chances for reconciliation. I thought I would make it better by explaining everything…

Maybe this lost chance will help me finally move on. I guess it’s the whats ifs that make me live in the past: cause what if it had worked out? Many friends tell me they found him too judgmental, not listening to my ideas in the world. And also, because he talked about other women so much.

Sigh…I really messed this up..the crazy thing of all is that I really liked him…So destructive this pattern.
Anyway – I ma talking to another guy, he does ask me way more questions, and makes sure he answers a bit more regularly. I do think this calms me down more, instead of someone who triggers my issues…

Still. My god – I messed up something that could be great. A friend told me she expects Philip to not even read my card, and just throw it away or burn it. Wonder what he thinks of me…

Hi Anita,

Yes, about my parents: I am from a family of six, I have an older brother, than me, Than a brother and sister. My parents are still together, even though my mum (over) shares a lot about my father does not make her happy in every war: he can be (like Philip) veru clear in the things he likes, finds good taste, and the people he does not like. He never showed his feelings much, eventhough I know he loves us, he used to hug us kind of awkwardly, never sent me a heart emoji or kiss emoji even while I always do that. Somehow that hurt me a bit. He told us he loved my mum the most, then his mother, then us. I don’t know if that’s true, but anyway…
My mum always was very open in showing her love, but this often came down to helping us with everything, making sure we would not fail, and listening to us if we were sad or worried. Same for my father btw! But I feel like they always pushed us, not acknowledging our feelings deeply, or taking them seriously. We always had to push ourselves. What strikes me that both my sister and I have a strange relationship with men – as soon as we feel some of them likes us, we tend to neglect ourselves, and give everything up to make sure they will stay around. Right now, a few of my friends, and my uncle, have said they suspect perhaps they might have narcissistic traits: my father in his very strict judgments of people and things…dismissing them or thinking less of them if they are not to his liking…while my mum can handle criticism very badly. The other day I told her she hurt my by constantly commenting on my weight (even though I don’t think I am heavy, but I am a bit curvy). She said her father one time told her he could see she gained weight, and that got he almost into an eating disorder. Then she told me, that that was her own responsibility: it made me feel she was telling me too, that I should just accept these comments, even though they make me insecure. I don’t even like dressing with her in the same room anymore.

I never stood up for myself enough, my mum did tell me this, Philip told me he used to do this very much, but he ended up looking a lot like them. Wish he could helped me with this too. Oh God, the hurt is deep – I just need to move on but my heart is so sad with his loss.

There is much more to tell…but I will break it down in parts!

Do you recognize any of these things maybe…?

Yes, that could very well be true, Anita, about Philip and how he looks like my father, also bossy and judgmental. Unfortunately, I feel like men who are not as outspoken, are too…’weak’ now, because I am so used to this image I have, of how a man should be. SAnd also, I am kind of intense and can be judgmental too…look like my parents in that regard. Yes the loving in the distance, when the danger has passed..I think that’s true. That, and maybe that I now compare him to othern men I have met, who did not come close to him. But it’s true I am forgetting the difficult moments with him. I just wonder how to get past this regret, it’s been three months since I met him, and even thought the memories are starting to fade a little (which hurts…I can remember his face less clearly now…) I seem like I don’t want to lose it. Like it’s feels it was not supposed to end this way. I need to let go of hope. I wonder if I should start meeting new men, or maybe take the time to grieve this loss. This has been a lesson to really give things a chance, even though it’s scary. It was so interetsing how Philip himself told me how he himself also had to learn to give things a chance, and not break things off because of a seemingly small point. Yes, good to hear your opinion on the compatibility. I can image this may have been intense and also difficult – it really felt like I was hiding part of myself like with my family. And yes, gaining his love did feel like a challenge I wanted to take on…sounds weird to say though…but I really liked his intense nature, I always liked those types. But maybe he needed more sassiness – if it’s true he would fall for a type like his mum. I have wondered – if it might be true that men who had to hide their emotions, may like to combine emotions with pain? Or create distance with their partner – I have seen this in two guys in my life – who grew up in harsh circumstances and longed for sweetness.

Thank you, I really do enjoy the worsplace and the atmosphere of Renaissance fairs!

Oh ouch, is your hand getting better now? That hurts! Sounds nice mowing grass…especially when you have that cut grass smell surrounding you!

– Emma

Also, I forgot to add, my sister is a bit more outgoing, not so much into spirituality and creative hobbies/music – bit more engaged with the real world so to say. I guess in that sense they were more alike – that’s why I had the fear, I guess.

Ofc take your time! This is not to rush you, either! I forgot parts I was about to say 🙂

Warm wishes, Emma