Hi Anita,

No problem, I will keep it short! Don’t feel obliged to answer by the way – we can always speak again next week!

Mmm yes, Anita, you’re right – it must have been scary for Philip that i kept contacting him, I really should not have. Maybe I felt to anxious, and even could not accept that now he did not want me anymore, eventhough he had given me several chances before. Kind of scary that I did not respect it, really.

Oh yes, I did not even think of it, that his presumed fear of being taken advantage of got triggered in the situation with me. But how? It was never my aim..he was negative about women in other ways too, struck me. Saying it would be perfectly normal for him that if a man and woman got pregnant by accident, but he was of higher class and his family wanted him to marry someone of higher rank than that woman, it would be fine for the man to buy her and the baby an apartment if they should never contact him. I found that kind of cold.

Ahh thanks for being so kind with your compliments!

Ah yes, It was just a thought of me, that maybe you’re mother was afraid of being criticized in your words, though very unjustified I imagine.

Oh my, that must have been very difficult, feeling your parents were not there…I can’t imagine. Was there a reason, were they busy with all sorts of things? Can imagine that must have had painful effect on you..a child cannot make sense of something like that, right? If the parents do not what feels like their duty..

Have a lovely busy weekend, Anita!

<3 Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your answer. And for telling me, that I am not irrational – I already Philip in the beginning that I used to not start on relationships out of the fear of the break up, which has always been such a long and difficult proces, sdue to these loops – even though I have only known Philip for about 4 weeks. Friends tell me I should not cling so much to him, wondering why I can’t let go – I think this might be the reason. Even though the realization that he is not coming back, as friends had be telling me too, hurts, it makes total sense and it should make it easier to let go at some point…otherwise I would always doubt if I should go on with soemone else. I think I felt so safe with Philip too, in ways: yes the ong interesting calls, but also, I guess, maybe that he is not so soft – which made me feel I can be the soft one. I guess I am going on the date, then, maybe it’s good to try and meet new people. Iwas so touched when I saw the little moments in Philip when he did let go of his guard, slowly..I put my head on his shoulder, one time, while watching a movie. He now and then put his head on mine, as in a reaction I guess. Though not all the time, maybe that was the vulnerability showing…or that he really liked it when I took his hand after the first date…that was so cute, and I was so surprised he liked that, seeing he had this tough exterior. Even though it really pains me to move on and I prefered it if I did not have too – I think I will keep him as my special person and memory, hoping he will still have a few good memories of me too. But what do you think has made him feel most unsafe? Would it have been the hot-cold, or me calling him ‘disrespectful’ and ‘very judgmental’ in that discussion. I did see he had stated on his updated dating profile that he warned the women that he is direct and such. It’s just…I hope he will realize that I really liked him for him…I have not had a way to tell him, that me finding him ‘disrespectful’ may have had more to do with my fear of criticism. Even though he has had similar criticism from other people..I wondered – he told me repeatedly in the beginning that “people who beat around the bush”, were easily hurt by words, and were telling others to behave morally (cause he said he lacked empathy himself, which…I wonder if that’s true) were not his kind of people. But he also said he could have learned from me – I think precisely in learning how to communicate more subtly. So interesting how he could dislike and envy the same thing in people. He also sounded liek he really respected one of his high school deans, for being so calm and giving him space to tell his story, when he had been expelled from one of his classes again. To be honest, i admired Philip for being so daring – he once said he told one of the religion teachers “I eat God’s word” after he ripped out pages from the Bible because he was in a row with the teacher. Haha I would have never dared it. I heard that hods that have had a very strict upbringing, tend to get aggressive, have difficulty with authority, and a lack of empathy later on in life. It did sound like him – and like me a bit, if I’m honest. Even though I tend to feel for others too much at times, I also can detach easily if I need space, which may hurt others.
So…you think it may not automtically be he does not like me at all, anymore? Even though he will never reach out again? I hope he will at least still like parts of me, even if we will never meet again. Hopefully that’s why he could not be friends, at first, before I criticized him, making him dislike me even more, possibly. I guess he has lost trust in me, to be how he is: blunt; but you know, he told me one time, that what he really needed was care and softness, and that I calmed him down. He sounded surprised by his own words, as he, I believe, was convincing himself, out loud, that someone more feisty would have ended up in constant rows. I think it must be difficult for him: finding someone caring who can handle his bluntness – but maybe not. I believe his mother was very feisty., and his father very strict – poor guy, maybe he is avoidant, not really trusting people with his emotions…
One of his closest friends told him not to bee too angry with me, first time he had to convince me to stay – I wonder why his friend can correct his behavior, but not me..
I guess Philip reminded me too much of my father and brother, in the moment, telling me what I can’t and can believe – I met him at the wrong time, if I were further on my journey, and had learned how to deal with boundaries and such, it might have been better. Even though I did not really care for the amount of discussions, and the fact that Philip clearly disliked stupidity in people, and I can be sort of naive/vague at times.
I would have liked to have him in my life, even as friends – but maybe that would have been too difficult as he would be dating others.

Oh, so interesting how you story with Robert sounds similar to mine with Philip. How you declined his offer to getting to know you, because you did not like yourself. I”m sorry you have through that as well. Do you think that moment had come out of the doubt your mother placed inside of you? As what I can see, you are a very beautiful person, but it is hard to see from within, sometimes. Have you thought about him for long, after that? It sounds like you also acted out of self protection.

That sounds tough as well, your mother constantly doubting your words – it sounds like she was afraid you would criticize her while you were not at all! Looking for any negativity in your words? Could it have been a reflection of her own insecurities? Painful for you how she ‘applied’ it to you (I don’t know which English verb to use best there, haha). I can imagine that voice has been very petrifying in moments, so that you would constantly doubted yourself.

mmm….is that how it works? I constantly doubt myself as well – if getting angry about something is justified – which causes me to ask any of my friends/family if they would be angry in that moment, so I know if am allowed to be.

Thank you, for telling me about compassion – and you are so right – I did not even understand what was going on inside of me…I guess I felt like I may have had control over myself if I would have thought more clearly, but I think things happened in such unconscious ways – the push and pull, the fear that came up when he did not make new plans with me, me being afraid I had said something wrong if he did not react at times – and then pulling away when I came up with new things why he could reject me later on. I read avoidants do talk about other women often, and about ‘phantom exes’, this made me very insecure as well. They say it’s to create insecurity/distance so the avoidant has control. But you mentioned this before, why do you think he wanted control?

Oh, if I may ask, was you self-hate based on anything that had happened before, or something your parents said or so? I think that was the case with me. But it is good to hear that self-compassion has alleviated your pain as well.

Thank you, Anita, for telling me all this, it is a very warm message, and I am so happy you are here with me. It really helps to hear someone else’s view, and you really opened my eyes about how Philip may have been self protecting too. One more thing…I have a feeling he may have been scared of women, somehow. Telling me he never knew women liked him, when he was young. talking about guys, how they would know better how a guy works, what feels good to them…he also seemed afraid women would take advantage of him – it was atheme in many stories he told me. And he was surprised how I gave him care, instead of just him giving care to his exes.It hurts to think how he may find soemone else who will be able to stay with him, someone a bit more developed mentally, not taking things personally, someone more secure whose self-doubt won’t get in the way. He seemed understanding at times, of what I was going through, that I was just scared of rejection, telling me you got to take a chance if you want romance. But what he did not know was that I was so surprised that he liked me. I never told him, apart from in the letter I left him, which he probably did not even read.

Thank you for being here, Anita, it means a lot
<3 Emma

Oh I meant – I believe Philip’s sensitive spots were that he urt people by being so blunt and harsh…and I called him “disrespectful” and “very judgmental” when I texted him…because I was afraid I would lose myself if I did not tell him this before we might continue dating

I want to thank you so deeply, Anita, for being there with me. For giving me a place to share these difficult moments like the one yesterday, when Philip got angry with me – it does take the pressure of a bit. And also learning about boundaries, and how you describe the, Thank you..kind person on the other side of the ocean 🙂

Emma

mmm good one about the boundaries – for some reason, I feel that me stating them feels unkind – but I guess that is because I never had them..

Thank you for your views on my parents…I never knwe black-and-white thinking could stem from my father’s youth..
It does get on my nerves, though, that he tries to steer my life, telling me, that when I told him,l I want to move to another town, he said: but surely in the city centre, right?

I mean, why does he think he can tell me these things?

I am thinking about sending him an email with the things I found difficult with him. I also need more space from them…I’m just so afraid of his reaction…I don’t want to hurt him, at the same time, I’m afraid I’ll give in too much.

Also, my mum thinks my father too harsh in ways: she is sort of kind hearted, with a love for animals and a wish to help kids (mostly who have ADHD or who are otherwise different from the rest) and my father can be very logical, slightly colder if he needs to, eventhough he has a deep feeling for sensitive people too, he has been through a lot as a kid: his brother was very difficult and I believe it was him who had to protect his siblings and counsel his parents.

Ooh, good to hear your hand is better now. But it sounds like you have been through a lot too, in your life, Anita! If you’d like to share, I’d like to be there for you too! Feel free to share if you want too! 🙂

It seems to be hitting me only now, the things with Philip… . I’m thinking it is a mix of everything we talked about, and also that i have taken away my own chances.
Yes, you’re right…it takes time to heal. I will share with you some stories of my childhood, these are interesting back stories. I am a bit scared (my friend told me, and my uncle) my parents might have some narcissistic traits. I will tell you more tomorrow!

Emma