Hi Anita,

I’ve been a bit busy so some delay in my answer. I have been up to something…really stupid…but I was so desparate. I have been reading up on attachment styles..and together with your ideas as well, I feel like fearful-avoidant sounds more likely..it would explain the hot-cold on my part..they say you want love but at the same time you’re seeply afraid of rejection so you start running…I think this was me and Philip, and I’ve done it before..

But yesterday I had a talk with a friend…I shared the story..he said, well, you can always stop by…if you really feel like you can’t have closure…and maybe leave a letter..

And my god…I did. I went to his town, and house…I’ve been there twice but found the address online cause I only remembered his housenumber…

Then I ringed the bell twice, no answer. Then suddenly he came downstairs to go outside I think…and he opened the door and saw me, shouting “NOOO!” and then I said “please…?” standing there, letter to my chest. Then he ran up the stairs, shouting something similar in English to “FUCK OFF!!”

Oh my god…I’ve let myself really go..I left and I quickly returned to put my letter in his mailbox. In there explained why I behaved the way I did, explaining my mental pattern a bit..

Oh I am so ashamed, and on top of everything, I think I now destroyed all chances for reconciliation. I thought I would make it better by explaining everything…

Maybe this lost chance will help me finally move on. I guess it’s the whats ifs that make me live in the past: cause what if it had worked out? Many friends tell me they found him too judgmental, not listening to my ideas in the world. And also, because he talked about other women so much.

Sigh…I really messed this up..the crazy thing of all is that I really liked him…So destructive this pattern.
Anyway – I ma talking to another guy, he does ask me way more questions, and makes sure he answers a bit more regularly. I do think this calms me down more, instead of someone who triggers my issues…

Still. My god – I messed up something that could be great. A friend told me she expects Philip to not even read my card, and just throw it away or burn it. Wonder what he thinks of me…

Hi Anita,

Yes, about my parents: I am from a family of six, I have an older brother, than me, Than a brother and sister. My parents are still together, even though my mum (over) shares a lot about my father does not make her happy in every war: he can be (like Philip) veru clear in the things he likes, finds good taste, and the people he does not like. He never showed his feelings much, eventhough I know he loves us, he used to hug us kind of awkwardly, never sent me a heart emoji or kiss emoji even while I always do that. Somehow that hurt me a bit. He told us he loved my mum the most, then his mother, then us. I don’t know if that’s true, but anyway…
My mum always was very open in showing her love, but this often came down to helping us with everything, making sure we would not fail, and listening to us if we were sad or worried. Same for my father btw! But I feel like they always pushed us, not acknowledging our feelings deeply, or taking them seriously. We always had to push ourselves. What strikes me that both my sister and I have a strange relationship with men – as soon as we feel some of them likes us, we tend to neglect ourselves, and give everything up to make sure they will stay around. Right now, a few of my friends, and my uncle, have said they suspect perhaps they might have narcissistic traits: my father in his very strict judgments of people and things…dismissing them or thinking less of them if they are not to his liking…while my mum can handle criticism very badly. The other day I told her she hurt my by constantly commenting on my weight (even though I don’t think I am heavy, but I am a bit curvy). She said her father one time told her he could see she gained weight, and that got he almost into an eating disorder. Then she told me, that that was her own responsibility: it made me feel she was telling me too, that I should just accept these comments, even though they make me insecure. I don’t even like dressing with her in the same room anymore.

I never stood up for myself enough, my mum did tell me this, Philip told me he used to do this very much, but he ended up looking a lot like them. Wish he could helped me with this too. Oh God, the hurt is deep – I just need to move on but my heart is so sad with his loss.

There is much more to tell…but I will break it down in parts!

Do you recognize any of these things maybe…?

Yes, that could very well be true, Anita, about Philip and how he looks like my father, also bossy and judgmental. Unfortunately, I feel like men who are not as outspoken, are too…’weak’ now, because I am so used to this image I have, of how a man should be. SAnd also, I am kind of intense and can be judgmental too…look like my parents in that regard. Yes the loving in the distance, when the danger has passed..I think that’s true. That, and maybe that I now compare him to othern men I have met, who did not come close to him. But it’s true I am forgetting the difficult moments with him. I just wonder how to get past this regret, it’s been three months since I met him, and even thought the memories are starting to fade a little (which hurts…I can remember his face less clearly now…) I seem like I don’t want to lose it. Like it’s feels it was not supposed to end this way. I need to let go of hope. I wonder if I should start meeting new men, or maybe take the time to grieve this loss. This has been a lesson to really give things a chance, even though it’s scary. It was so interetsing how Philip himself told me how he himself also had to learn to give things a chance, and not break things off because of a seemingly small point. Yes, good to hear your opinion on the compatibility. I can image this may have been intense and also difficult – it really felt like I was hiding part of myself like with my family. And yes, gaining his love did feel like a challenge I wanted to take on…sounds weird to say though…but I really liked his intense nature, I always liked those types. But maybe he needed more sassiness – if it’s true he would fall for a type like his mum. I have wondered – if it might be true that men who had to hide their emotions, may like to combine emotions with pain? Or create distance with their partner – I have seen this in two guys in my life – who grew up in harsh circumstances and longed for sweetness.

Thank you, I really do enjoy the worsplace and the atmosphere of Renaissance fairs!

Oh ouch, is your hand getting better now? That hurts! Sounds nice mowing grass…especially when you have that cut grass smell surrounding you!

– Emma

Also, I forgot to add, my sister is a bit more outgoing, not so much into spirituality and creative hobbies/music – bit more engaged with the real world so to say. I guess in that sense they were more alike – that’s why I had the fear, I guess.

Ofc take your time! This is not to rush you, either! I forgot parts I was about to say 🙂

Warm wishes, Emma

Oh I think I forgot one word in the line from my first kmessage, what I was meaning to say was that I hopes he knows he was very special to me, despite all the things that may have made it seem it wasn’t.

Als I wonder, if I may ask, Anita, where you are from? 🙂 Just to get to know you a little.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for thinking of me today – to be honest it has been a rough day for me today. I am sorry for once again sharing these heavy feelings with you, even after we wrote the letter. I am just having such a hard time moving on, as it feels like it is not supposed to be this way. I was the one to cut things off so prematurily with Philip, while so many things coukd have been possiblem things I now will never get to know. I have been talking to some other guys in the past few weeks, and even though with two of them I seem to have found some more common interests, and I think maybe they dare to present themselves more vulnerable in ways, which made it easier to connect, there are things missing which I had with Philip, and which I doubt may be more important. I have not met these guys yet, but still. Things got difficult again today because at work (I work at a bookshop), we got into a discussion in which we discussed values, policical values and what to promote on our social media. Maybe best not to get too political here, but I find it hard to find people, also while dating, that share a similar upbringing, policial views (leaning more traditional), while at the same time being a bit of a nerd, neurodivergent, haha. I suspect I might have ADHD too, seeing how I go from one topic to another, though I have never been hyperactive but instead, calm. I just feel like it was not supposed to go this way, me cutting things off while I hardly knew Philip – and Philip warned me for this, I guess he had been in my position too, cutting things off because little things were different between us. Now I do think his more logical side made me doubt if I was the one for him, because I feel my interest in those quirky things might have made me strange in his eyes, but I don’t know, at some point he told me he wanted to have earrings too, something I had not expected and though of as original. I wonder if there would have been more like that. In truth, I though of him as similar to my brother 0 who is also into science, philosophy, always looking for new knowledge, but not so much into art, or just genrally things more quirky. I sometimes think of myself as having Phoebe Buffay’s style somewhat, I like bohemian style clothing, but also have an interest in the things she does, and am not so ambitious in terms of carreer. I think Philip would be somehow similar to Ross from Friends, kind of bend on being right, and very much into what is true and scientific. Looking at their bond, I don’t know if that would have worked. Philip told me at the time he also felt doubts ‘coming up’, but then he reminded himself he never such a good time with a girl before (or so he said) and told himself to continue dating me. I wonder if that would have been his intuition speaking – I think I am wondering this to find out if I am mourning the loss of someone I would not have been compatible with anyway, and so lessen my grief – but I guess it does not matter anyway now. I just find myself not wanting to move on from him – my friend told me to just go on dating someone else, ‘what I am being sad about’, but to me this felt like some surprising bond, which maybe should not have workes surface level, as his friends told him too that I would not be a match for him either – but he told me he did not want to listen, and decide for himself and continue. This made me think he found it special too, I don’t know. I never had a first date that long, and that easy – it took 7 or 8 hours – he told me too how surprised he was that talking was so easy. Same thing on the phone, first time we called, it felt strangely familiarand easy….another time we called for 7 hours… . This just makes it so hard to forget, to make it seem like ‘just another guy I dated and it did not work out’. I somehow hope he was special to me, even though I made it seem like I broke things off so easily a couple of times. I just wonder why I got so shy, maybe a little uneasy, being with him om the 2d and 3d date – I wonder if it was because I admired him a little and was confused as to what he wanted me for, seeing I think of myself as just shy and maybe boring, bc of my own assumptions about myself. I have had this shyness before with another guy I sort of fancies and admired, he is my colleague and now one of my best friends, we talk very easily. It makes me wonder what could have been with Philip. I secretly hope – and I know it’s mean – he won’t find anyone he likes better…because he said he got bored with girls very soon (maybe bc of ADHD?), but not with me…and he never had such a good time… . It’s not to be arrogant…just his words..
I just find myself wanting to goi back, wanting to wait for him – but now that he has blocked me, I guess that would be waiting for nothing. My friends said that blocking means he won’t ever want me again. I just find it so hard to even kiss another guy, would it ever get to that point. I still feel like Philip is the only one I would allow to do that. I wonder if O should forsce myself to go on dates, I wonder if Philip already kisses other girls..my heart breaks to think of it, even though he has every right to do so ofc…and I was the one to break things off. Moving on is just so hard. I heard people say, that if things are meant to be, they will be – would you believe in that? If Philip and I are meant to be, it will be, even if I were to move on? He tried to hard to hold on…that makes me so said, to think of all the chances he has given me, and me discarding them so easily. I should have seen how special that was, and that shoudl not have told him that he should accept me letting go of him. I never thought he was not good enough for me, which must have been the impression I gave him. On the contrary, I think he was too good for me – but now I have no means to tell him. I wish I had not pestered him with my messages, but waited, then he would not have blocked me now, and I could have sent him this.

A lot of text again…haha sorry.