Very well seen, about the space, and feeling safer there, because I don’t have to be vulnerable then. I must say have a tendency for limerence too – I do believe it is connected.

Hi Anita,

Mmm yes…it can certainly be that I miss him now more because I cannot have him – but I did remember feeling sad two days or so after I broke it off…before he blocked me, so that makes me feel my regerts were also based on him as a person. But at the same time, when I sent him the message I wanted to talk after I broke it off the last time, and ask if he would still be interested two weeks later – I did feel a doubt and regret right after sending it, feeling I would be putting myself back into some sort of ‘cage’ if he were to say ‘yes’. A ‘cage’, because, symbolically speaking, I felt limited, both because he hardly asked me anything, so I did not express myself much, about my interests and such (I believe it was his adhd, but still..). And he reminded me of my father and brother: my father being bossy and forceful at times, telling me I should not be so dreamy/absent minded, and my brother in his monologues and interests in science/logic. I guess I wanted to be free to be myself. And I was not sure if I could, when I was still dating Philip – I felt that fear while being with him, and already felt myself limiting myself in the things I wore, afraid he would find me strange for wearing my vintage style dresses – I don’t know why I felt it. It migth have been intuition or anxiety.

Mmm, I regert treating him this way…I never wanted to mistreat him…you know I have had this habit with jobs too. As soon as there are expectations from others, and I fear I cannot live up to them, and will mess it up and be critised/rejected for it, I flee. But with Philip it could have been that I felt the disconnection as well – making it more likely he would leave me – even though that feeling of disconnection maybe it was based on my first impressions of him..

I did feel a sort of love for him – maybe it was care as well, because I do think I could see through his shell, and saw his softness on the inside, and maybe also an admiration and the fact that he liked me..? He said he needed the softness and care – and he could see through my lack in other things – sort of painful to hear. Maybe he needed to find the softness within himself.

Sounds weird to say maybe, but – I had a fear that if he were to meet my younger sister, that he would prefer her over me, because they are more of the same type, I think: she is a little more extroverted and rebellious, like him. They say you look for someone who is like your father (as a girl) and mother (as a boy), right? His mum was very fierce…well that’s not me, haha! He did need and want a sassy person, to give some counterweight, he told me.

You know what – maybe it is that he lacked a certain goofiness, he was kind of serious and logical – I guess that’s what made me tense and suspicious too, maybe that was the disconnetcion – as if I could not be my full self and had to be the most serious version of myself around him.

I wonder, what do you think made us incompatible? You know, I am relieved and happy you said that – maybe I am holding onto the wrong type anyway.

There is a man, a regular customer of the shop, he asked me out one time – but I said no, for some practica reasons – but I do think he would understand me better: he sometimes dresses up as he is an amateur actor, and does not get scared of quirky style clothes. I do dress up for Renaissance Fairs, and like some eccentric clothing – but Philip was very explicit he was uncomfortable with that himself. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable too, as if he might be embarassed of me. Another difference is that this customer always talked with me about my interest in fairylore, he even bought the book I recommended on the topic. He never told me I should let go of my openness to astrology, he even supported it. Just mentioning this to remind myself of how someone else could accept me as I am, I guess.

Thank you Anita!

About you part of the world, that sounds lovely…living with so many trees! That sounds very peaceful and dreamy. Ooh sounds exciting, that you took the step to go and live abroad…that’s brave too!

Have a lovely day – I’m glad we have met, I enjoy these conversations!
How are you doing – I never asked!

Warm wishes,
Emma

Oh, by the way, that sounds like a lovely job! Must be peaceful to work so close with nature, and beautiful that you do it as a volunteer! Oh that sounds really nice, that it offers a place for music and dancing! You look so happy and enthusiastic in your photo, so nice!

Oh yes, I wanted to add: I think I could have grown a lot more with Philip, then with any guys on dates I have met – because Philip challenged me to stand up for myself, to speak up, to me more critical and logical – all things that I have been missing all my life. At the same time, I guess I could have helped him be more vulnerable, show him it’s ok to be tender, and help him navigate relations/discussion more smoothly without hurting too many people’s feelings. I have been reading about shadow work – the things he struggled with: internalizing empathy and being more subtle in voicing his opinions, feelings, not getting so angry with people, is the thing he both did not like in people but also admired, I believe. At the same time, me trusting my own strength, and being my own boss, is something I admire and need to work on – this is exactly what he was good at. I just think I was not ready for a relationship like this, I am working on myself in therapy and this was exactly what I am struggling with. But I have never had a man I felt so similar to in temperament – everybody knows me as the sweet, kind of timid woman, but in reality I am kind of intense and opinionated I guess, maybe even a bit judgmental – we were so alike and I often felt other guys not pushing back enough. This is something Philip did, and I so admired him for it. It is not something I have found in others I have met yet. Also the need to express feelings deeply, and having such big feelings…we were so alike in that sense…maybe that is what I felt. What do you think…if somebosy blocks you, is that the definite end? I’m sure it is impossible to say for anyone…

Hi Anita,

Thank you! I was a little busy yesterday and will be anwering today – but your message was lovely! To be continued 🙂

With warmth,
Emma

Oh and your compliment landed very well, it really makes my day 🙂
You are very beautiful too!!

Dear Philip,

I truly regret the way things worked out for us while we were dating. It was me, who broke things off, and I am still so deeply hurt that I did. We only dated for a short time, about 4 weeks, but it has been very meaningful to me, and if I were in a better place mentally, and had taken the time to really get to know you, I really think we could have made a good and interesting pair. Interesting, seeing how different we may have looked on the surface, but I think we may have been more similar on the inside. How I wish I could have taken the time to confirm this, but it seems you were one of beautiful chances I have robbed myself of, sue to patterns deep within me. I rejected you a few times, this had nothing to do with you I suspect, but I just did not value myself enough te be chosen by you. It is such a shame I may hurt you (and myself) in the process. I just could not see how you could like me, so I fled. But I felt so close to you, somehow. I felt deeply already, and speak about the emotional connection I already felt with you. I tend to feel things very early on, and I don’t know if this has to do with my attechment style, you mentioned as well that you wanted t continue with me, despite your friends’ hesitations. I somehow interpreted this as that it meant something for you too.

Our first date took 8 hours – this is something I have not experienced before. Talking with you was so easy, it was as if I knew you already, and I think it is true that I knew your ‘type’. We had similar political views, views on society, how difficilt it can be to live with ADHD, and all the people that misundersand you. I am so so sorry that in the end I accused you of the same things regarding your communication style, which others have accused you of before. I think these words hurt you in the past, as you told me you could not cope with people who communicated to carefully and indirectly, and people that could get hurt so easily. You gave me a few examples, as how you did not like people who beat around the bush. Anyway, I recognized myself in those people who get easily hurt, and you did not like, but decided we ay as well try as I always liked your ability to be so clear, and you once told me, you could learn things from me too.

After our first date, you kissed me briefly goodbye, and I held your hand. Not on the cheek, as we did when we first met that afternoon, but on the lips. Spo quickly, we both seem to feel the connection. It was so special. Next day we texted, and to be honest, I had a doubt, feeling myself so tall (1,80 cm) and you were a few centimeters taller, but still I felt too big next to you, which may sound so weird, but for me it had a deeper psychological meaning. I felt to plump, too manly, too much, which you later on confirmed I am really not. But for me this was an old pattern, I always thought women had to be dainty. I wanted to cancel the date, and you convinced me to stay, not understanding how I could do this after we had such a good time. Once again, the texting was a little one sided, which made me doubt too – but it was also me who should have addressed this, and I am sure we could have found a way to make it work, if I dared onkly speak up and not afraid to hurt you. You got annoyed and confused, saying how you liked me holding your hand, how you thought maybe I felt things were going too well, which might have cared me of. You don’t know how much I felt comforted that you tried to understand my complicated and confusing thoughts, this has not happened to me before. So we went on a date anyways, and it was so much fun. We walked, got close and intimate, very early on, but this side showed me how kindhearted, empthetaic you really are. You said you were not – but I really think you sell yourself short in that area. You’re such a beautiful person. Yes I did feel an emotional distance, the way you talked about exes, which made me slightly uncomfortable – but again, I should have asked why you mentioned them. Was it your regret for hurting some of them, or was it to warn me for the ways they had hurt you? I know one story you told me, which was awful – the girl who accused you of something bad, only because you rejected her. And was it to tell me things you hoped of me, only you were to nice to not aks them right away? It got me confused to a point I was not sure if I could trust you to only choose me – I am sorry if I had misunderstood that. maybe it was because I was insecure already, and did not think I was enough for you. You assured me I was, everytime I hesistated and came close to breaking up with you – how I am sorry I put you through this….it was the opposite of what I wanted – yes I wanted someone to truly understand me, and the way you approached the world, through logic and in my view, maybe not valuing creativity, and quirky people (which is how I see myself) a lot, made me think maybe you had not seen this side of me yet, and I was afrid I would lose it being with you, as I tend to conform myself to my partner, out of insecurity. Now I have not known you enough to see how you really were, but the fact you called me ‘gek meisje’ (quirky/weird girl) made me fear you indeed saw me as strange. I have though about as as Ross and Phoebe from Friends. You Ross, I Phoe – the discussions they had seemed similar. He was so sure in his logical way of seeing the world, while she doubted many things. Thing is, I told you I believed all the spiritual stuff I told you – though I think there is nothing wrong with them, I do not actually believe it. Every time I am in a shop like that, I do feel the beauty of it, the calmness, but I cannot believe in it, as much as it sounds nice. We discussed astrology, that is the only thing I left open a bit, even though I also know that it is not likely planets can have this effect. The fact that you tried to convince me so hard that this was all made up, and nonsense, the MBTI, attachment theory, astrology – and the fact that you tried to teach me things I know little about, like philosophy, and physics, made me believe maybe we were a little different. You did tell me you would not mind my interest in magic at all, as long as I did not believe it, and I would verufy my beliefs. I felt like you would not accept me as I am, and that scared me. As I told you, I was in a fase to get independent from my parents, where a similar dynamic existed. But you taught me a lot, and made me realize, that maybe you are right in saying I should use logic a bit more, and discover things and verify things. This for you has always been a big thing, I guess, that you do not like anyone to try and sell you nonsense. I really admire you for this, your independence, interesting character. The way you left all those tabs open on your computer. Writing this makes me cry, thinking of these fun memories.

As I said, if I would have been in a place where I would not be so easily hurt by conflict, would not have taken things so personally, and would have been more sur eof myselfm expecting you to accept me as I am, or leave me – I think we could have had a much longer time getting to know each other. It was just my fears – you even talked to me, about my parents, saying I should have just claimed my freedom, nobody is gonna give it to you. How right you are, I see now. I wish I had known this before, or got to know you later, if I were ready. Cause you were a guy that was more interesting than any others I had dated, in part because you were not a safe choice for me – you challenged me, and you were intense, in the best sense of the word. Cause I am ‘intense’ too, opinionated, bit judgmental too. I guess, these are things we were brought up in. There were so many guys that I feel did not push back for my liking – you were. The more I admire a man, and feel he is out of my league, the more I run – cause I am scared of rejection. You have told me you wanted to be with me, to please not let you go, that you felt you wanted to hold me, and you did not get bored, like in the past (sounds so arrogant to say this, but these were your words) – I so regret that I threw it all away, We could have dated for three months now, just to think fo what we could have had. You and your cute, obstinate dog, we could have taken so many nice strolls. You said you could just fall asleep in my lap, – you said that maybe I would have met your friends, Goos, I just could not believe you would think me worthy of this. I have been so insecure since I was young – my mum told me I was not as pretty as my sister, in school I was shy, so somehow I felt I was broing next to the outspoken girls, this is my created an inferiority comples. I guess. The guys I dated before were all ‘safe choices’, ones I thought I could handle. I thought you were too intersting for me, you would find me boring. I even asked you this, to which you replied, that you did not, when we were intimate, but this was simply because I dared to be myself then, unafraid of what you would think of me. I am sure that I would have loosened up if we had had the time. I even told you this. I was also myself on the phone, and speaking was so easy with you, so familiar, from the first time we called. I never had this so soon with anybody – and especially no 8 hour phone calls!

I am so so sorry, I wish I could go back to the time with you. I wish it for myself, and if you would have still want it, I could have given it to you too. You gave me so many chances, and I wish I had not suffered from my issues so I had taken them, or needed only the first one you gave me. I am sure I had. I am sorry if I hurt you with the words I used, “disrespectful” and “very judgmental” when I described how you talked with me during our last discussion. I can understand why you do not want to date me anymore, seeing what I did to you before. But they were fears. I can imagine it is impossible to understand my position and acts unless you are in it, or have the same issues. These fears show the opposite of my wishes – but I was so afraid of losing myself, as that was a huge theme at the moment with my family as well, I left you. I also was afraid of speaking up when something bothered me, afraid to make you leave me. The (not so) funny thing is, that that could have saved it. This has made me realized so many of my issues, thank you for that. This is stuff I need to work on. I know I should not hope, and I am going on with my life, as I have to, but I cannot help but wish you would ever unblock me, and reconsider. I would be open to it if you did. Chances are minimal to none, I know, but you meant so much, and I think it could have been so beautiful. If only I did not dismiss it so casually. I truly did not know what I had, and what it could have been, if I had waited. I have not met, nor do I think I will even meet someone as special as you. I wish I could still hold you, and be with you, watch Rick and Morty as we said, and watch Ghibli together as we did. I really don’t know what came over me when ending it.

I wish you all the best, and my apologies. I hope I have not hurt you as I think I may have. You are such a beautiful person, please ignore the things I said – it was me being too easily hurt.

Bye dear Philip, a big warm hug, and kiss to you.

Emma