Hello Rhiannon, I have been reading alot of posts here for a while and just listening and observing and felt compelled to reply to you after reading your post. The very first thing I would suggest is for you to stop and breathe. Reading your words gave me visions of a person spinning and flailing in a near sense of panic. So just stop, breathe, try to find some calm. You seem as if your emotions are wound very tightly and this is not good for anyone. Shedding our stress and relaxing for even just a moment can help to re-focus our energies. These stressers become noise clouding our thought processes and complicating our decision making process. So stop and breathe.

Your wording sent a feeling of an impending time constraint when one was not mentioned. As time has passed it seems you have elevated your anxiety level and increased your expectations of yourself. Then you say “I have messed up” and “I keep failing” and “I stand out” and “I have lost the words” and “they’re brilliant and I’m not”. It seems for you that time is running out and you can do nothing right. This cannot be farther from the truth. The actualization of thought and words are manifesting themselves by command. You are in charge of yourself and the only person you need to be better than is yourself yesterday.

I have the power, and so do you; so does everybody. The power is choice. When we are sad or happy or frenetic or slothful it is because we have chosen to be so. Understanding ourselves and loving ourselves is not conciet but being our own best friend. Many people will do nearly anything for others and ignore their own self to their own detriment. If you cannot be your own best friend, how can others befriend you? It is said that to have a friend you must first be one; and I believe that means being your own friend first. The person in the mirror needs you to be that friend. It doesn’t sound as if you like who you are at this time and if this is true it also contributes to overall negativity. That is part of the path; knowing yourself, liking who you are, being happy with who you are, and choosing happiness. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Happiness doesn’t happen by accident. Looking inward, understanding yourself and actually knowing yourself is a hard thing to accomplish.

Find the things you like about yourself and nurture them. Little things that bring you joy can become triggers to unleash hidden happiness. As an example, at one time I liked Hawaiian shirts; the colors and patterns made me feel brighter. I bought a new Hawaiian shirt every week to reward myself for being a good person. After several months I had a lovely collection of these shirts and just seeing the section of my closet litterally exploding with vibrant color and flowers made me smile. Did you catch that? Smile. Smile for no reason. Smile like you are about to burst out laughing when no one is near. Look at the person in the mirror and give them a smile. Sometimes I smile around crowds of people, a really idiotic grin, as I walk around I think about those people wondering what I am smiling about. Sometimes I end up cracking myself up to the point I cannot help but laugh. Then they really look at me wondering why I am laughing; which almost becomes a circular event feeding my frivolity. I smile when I speak to people over the phone, they can’t see it but I believe they can feel it. I’m smiling as I type this; I feel my words are happier that way. Happiness doesn’t happen by accident.

So stop. Breathe. Begin to understand yourself and like yourself. Be your own best friend. Choose happiness.