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July 10, 2025 at 10:14 am #447485
Ty
ParticipantHi Anita,
I just wanted to thank you for this response. Your words hit something deep that I’ve been struggling to name for weeks. The way you described the difference between desire and capacity – and the way unresolved fear can make love feel dangerous – was like turning on a light in a room I’d been sitting in for too long.
You’re right, I wasn’t looking to save her. I just wanted to meet her in the middle, and offer something steady, something real. The connection we shared in New York was that—quiet, grounded, emotionally reciprocal – and even a month prior to NY when we 1st met. That’s what made the abrupt shift in Spain so disorienting. It wasn’t just that she changed; it was that she erased the witness of who she was becoming.
I’m not angry anymore. I was. But now I think I’m just sad. I’ve come to realize that sometimes love shows up to mirror, not to stay, and if that’s what this was, I want to honor it without bitterness.
That said, I also know I can’t carry both people’s healing. She’ll have to come to terms with whatever scared her off. I can’t do that part for her. But I do hope she does.
Thank you again for holding space in such a thoughtful way. It means more than you know.
Warmly,
Ty
July 9, 2025 at 10:35 am #447437Ty
ParticipantHi Anita,
Your message really landed. Thank you. The part where you wrote, “Only one of you stayed emotionally present through both.” That hit pretty hard, because that’s exactly what it felt like. I was still there, still grounded. And she wasn’t.
I’ve struggled a lot with internalizing the blame. Wondering if I somehow missed a signal, expected too much, or somehow misunderstood the closeness we shared. But I didn’t force anything. I let her lead. I just didn’t expect her to rewrite everything within hours of getting off the Plane.
As for the BDSM industry – I approach it without judgment. But I do think, in her case, it eventually became both a shield and a stage. There were many moments when I saw through it – when she dropped the performance and let herself be seen. That version of her was brilliant, funny, and deeply self-aware. But when things got real, the roles returned. Maybe it became easier to push me away than to stay in the vulnerability of being truly known.
I’ve had to remind myself that I can’t heal what someone else won’t even name. But I still hope, for her sake, that she will find the courage to face it someday.
With gratitude,
TyJuly 9, 2025 at 10:27 am #447436Ty
ParticipantThank you so much for your thoughtful reply. What you shared about your own experience really helped me reframe the intensity of what she might have gone through. I hadn’t fully grasped just how physically traumatic something like that could be, and I’m so sorry you had to endure that level of pain without proper care. It’s heartbreaking and far too common.
Looking back, I still believe there’s a deeper layer that was triggered in her. Whether it was medical trauma, emotional repression, or maybe both. It’s clear something cracked open and she didn’t know how to sit with it, let alone communicate through it. That doesn’t excuse the rewriting, the blame, or the emotional freezing, but it does help me make some human sense of it. I’ve read post-procedure, especially after two back-to-back cycles, it can be intense and almost like a mini post-partum depression that can last up to eight weeks.
When I first met her, I had no idea what industry she was in. I never judged it, but I did become concerned later – not because of the work itself, but because of some unresolved pain I sensed beneath the surface. I never pushed her to disclose anything she wasn’t ready to, but I often wonder if there’s more beneath it all that’s never been fully named or faced.
At the end of the day, I showed up with sincerity and tried to hold space, and I guess I just became some mirror she couldn’t look into.
Ty
July 8, 2025 at 1:49 pm #447407Ty
ParticipantHi Alessa,
Thank you so much for this thoughtful and compassionate reply. It means a lot.
To your question: I had asked her that once early on, and she said no. But honestly, it’s something I’ve wondered about quietly. Given the nature of her work in the BDSM industry and the level of emotional disassociation I witnessed after the procedure, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there’s trauma there, whether spoken or unspoken.
We’re not really in contact anymore. I had to step back – after trying to be supportive during her second retrieval in Spain. I flew out there, gave space, stayed grounded, but what came back was emotional rewriting, coldness, and deflection. I wasn’t looking for a fairy tale, just honesty, or even acknowledgement of what had unfolded. Instead, it felt like I got cast as the problem for even showing up.
Right now, I’m doing my best to focus on clarity and self-trust. But there’s still confusion. The version of her I knew before in New York was warm, open, and full of potential. The version in Spain felt like a completely different person, like someone protecting themselves by erasing the connection.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It helps more than you know.
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