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ShadisaParticipantSo I got to see her…….now….I don’t know….my feelings for her haven’t wavered but I feel trapped on whether I should say something…
She is….amazing…I am scared that I could lose her completely if I said something but all I can think about.ShadisaParticipantMostly wondering if feels like I do….
Wondering if I even have a chance….ShadisaParticipantOh I am driving myself completely insane….
I get to see her tomorrow and I don’t know what tomorrow is besides getting to see her for awhile….and I am driving myself completely mad with self doubt….ShadisaParticipantI have very timidly started looking for someone that I think could really make me happy….it is almost more affirming then anything else I have thought this week about my past or whatever that this is what I really want….
I keep thinking it is odd a couple months ago I was talking to guys thinking do I have a chance and at the same time thinking I am not that into him….and this week talking to a woman that I hardly know a thing about my heart skips a beat every time I get a reply….and I am absolutely scared out of my mind.ShadisaParticipantI am not sure if the self accusations are gone but for sure a better day…..
So today I am talking to a friend and I compared that guy that I was hung up on for far too long….to a turnip and basically said to friend with all I went through being stuck on him….I think I would prefer the turnip. To which my brain was like…so girls then….alright glad we got that sorted.ShadisaParticipantOne of the things that I keep getting down on myself for….that is probably never gonna have a good answer for….just accept it and move passed kind of thing is I keep questioning what took you so long to see this….?
The self accusations of “how could you have been so foolish?” seem more painful then whatever truth is there and they almost seem like they are preventing me from processing things.
ShadisaParticipantOh you mean besides the fact that I am currently scared out of my mind to go to workout in a hour because my personal trainer is um….not even finishing that thought because I know she is straight and that would only lead to heartache.
Or the fact that one of the ways I let off stress is to free write….stories that will never be seen by anyone….and the last couple have been well….they could be called daydreams.Or things that I have noticed after the last couple days that just seem silly like suddenly seeing characters differently….sorry still don’t like Wonder Woman…I want my whoever to be able to outsmart a popsicle stick.
ShadisaParticipantPart my my questioning has lead me to the thought was I using him or any other guy for that matter to avoid addressing the issue in my own mind…..
I swear one half of my brain is going if you accepted this just imagine how happy you could be…
And the other side is going….oh how can you be so sure? I mean that you started question how can you be sure about anything? Oh and my favorites….you know this would not matter to anyone….why are you making this such a life altering deal? And if this really is part of who you are fine…why did you notice this at like or 15 or 20?I mean I left wondering things have I been sabotaging since I was in high school because it never dawned on me…that I didn’t want guy at all I wanted to be around his sister.
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