No, I definitely have Asperger’s, I have been diagnosed. It’s definitely something you are born with, but yes, different circumstances could help in bringing to light the issues a person with the disorder has. When I was diagnosed at 21 years old, I had so many ‘aha!’ moments of why I work and behave differently that the syndrome explained in great detail. Like puzzle pieces finally falling into place.

Maybe the one of the reasons why I peeked is because I felt that my mom was distant when I was little, but I’m not certain I think that would help me if I decide to talk things through with my mom, blaming her. I have to somehow own up to what I did, I think. My dream scenarios have always been to be able to either stop thinking about these things over time and working on my self-esteem (which doesn’t seem to be working), or talking openly and honestly about all this with my mother.

That’s at least my thoughts as of this moment.

I have issues interpreting people very much because of my Asperger’s to begin with, even now, writing here. One of the only things I am quite certain of is that she does love me.

When I were 19 or so, I bailed on going on a trip to another country with my brother. I have a very hard time with big changes, and trips can be very hard. And since I was (still am, but less now) so afraid of conflicts and letting people down, I went to the forest near my home and sat there the whole night and morning so I would miss our departure. I did think a little bit about killing myself then, since I was so disappointed in myself and sad, but it wasn’t serious at all.

When I came home later she hugged me and cried, since she thought I was attempting to kill myself. I genuinely thought until that moment that she couldn’t possibly love me.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Joakim.