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June 18, 2015 at 7:27 am #78423ShawnaParticipant
I immediately related to your story. The whole thing…
I’ve always thought I wasn’t attractive, fat, frizzy hair, eyes too close together, etc…and harshly critical of my personality…talk to much, too loud, overly emotional, weak and stupid, etc. And I always sought out validation from men or other women based on how attractive I was to them. And I always fell short in my own eyes.
I am now 38. I now know that the 28 and 18 year old me was beautiful. Young, good hair, great skin, nice body. Not perfect. Not commercially attractive. But still awesome, based on realistic standards. And so many good people around me knew it. And I didn’t honor them by appreciating or acknowledging their admiration.
And guess what, as would be expected I am seeing new things to loath about myself. Wrinkles, stretch marks, sagging flesh, my neck my chest my arms my legs my torso…none of it is good enough. Back then it was just fat or whatever…now it’s just saggy and wrinkly…when will it end?
Will I, at 48 and 58, regret my self-loathing at 38? Will I then see the beautiful woman I was at 38 that I wish I was at 48 or 58? What about at 68? 78? 88? How much will I hate myself then?
My point is…you just have to say f*@k it sometimes. Love that body and face now. Someone (your boyfriend!) does. And he shakes his head at your insecurities and wishes you could see yourself through his eyes. At least he will until he gets tired of loving someone who doesn’t honor his love and admiration for her…
Just sayin’. You’re fine. You’re ok. You’re good enough. Worthy. Start loving yourself now. I know it’s hard work. It doesn’t get easier with time if you’re basing your self-worth on impossible standards. And you’re not the only one who feels this way. You are not alone or odd or at fault for this mentality. But you can change it.
It’s the only body/soul you’re getting this time around. Enjoy it. 🙂