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ShesaRainbowParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much again for your insight! I actually have a therapy appointment today, and am going to bring up a lot of what you wrote. It’s amazing how this stuff starts to make sense when you didn’t even realize it was happening. Your insight is extremely appreciated.
And yes, I look back and realize that I was the perfect target for him, and he for me. These are things that I absolutely need to be aware of moving forward.
ShesaRainbowParticipantDear Sean,
I see so much similarity there between your situation and mine. Although my husband never claimed I abused him, he would tell me things, like that I was bipolar or needed medication for mood swings. I actually wondered if I did! So I went into my therapist, who flat out laughed at me when I asked her. Basically, my husband was trying to convince me that because I was upset about something that he did, “I” was the one to blame and was crazy or having mood swings. But like you, I wanted to know if there was something that I could do differently, or ways that I could improve.
Now, my husband would go to therapy, but I used to call it holding court for him. He was very charming, and would actually lie to the therapist. Thankfully, they eventually saw through it. We would be walking in to a joint session (after he’d previously been in one solo) and he’d stop me in the parking lot to say something like “don’t bring up xyz because I told the therapist that I fixed it”. Something he hadn’t done. If I protested, I was a bad wife because I wasn’t supportive of him, and was trying to embarrass him.
And yet it’s amazing, how I could still feel so much guilt, like you do, over someone that treated me this way? It’s something I guess that is part of our journey in moving forward. I wish you luck!
ShesaRainbowParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your response! Yes and yes to what you wrote. I grew up in a tumultuous home with a lot of abuse (physical and verbal), where my Mom finally had the courage to leave when I was 12. I was always “the fixer”. After a fight, I’d come out and clean up the mess, and try to make my Mom feel better. I never really looked at it as guilt, but more the need for everyone around me to be alright.
And you are spot on with my husband’s constant finger pointing at me. No matter what happened, I was always at fault. I used to call our arguments mental gymnastics, because he’d spin and twist and turn everything to where I felt like I couldn’t formulate a thought at the end of it. Even if he blatantly did something, if I got upset, I was in the wrong for not supporting him and/or causing him to do it.
It’s been going on for so long (14 years total), that I guess it’s just going to take me some time to start seeing things more clearly. I am hoping that at least recognizing it is a good step. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, as it does make sense to see it written out like that.
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