Dear Anita,

Sorry about the late reply. I have been thinking about what you all have shared on this topic for the last few days. It’s like I have lot’s to say, but don’t know what to type.

I am so sorry that you had to go through all what you described with your mother. And after all these years to clearly describe what you felt, it must have cut so deep through you to be able to remember such details clearly. Only things that hurt us deeply can leave such long lasting effects.

This might be silly, but can I ask how to detect abuse while its happening? Sometimes I am not able to distinguish between the small voice at the back of my head that says ‘no this is wrong’ and in trying to be forgiving in my association with others. It’s like others can clearly see from my general attitude, behavior and talk that I am someone who can be taken advantage of or be bossed over. I guess I don’t know how to be assertive. What happens is when I try to be assertive, I try to be empathetic too and then it leads to blurring of my boundaries. I guess I am also scared of confrontation, of fighting with someone I am close to, of losing them, of making them think I am ‘bad’. I also sometimes think that I am not made for this world where people just want to take advantage of others.

I do wish you well and hope that you find your peace.

Regards,

Shve

Dear HoneyBlossom,

Thank you for the suggestions, I’ve tried out most of these things over the years. But have realised that they are only distractions for a certain amount of time especially when we have been hurt very deeply. Though it does help me to a certain level, the pain never goes off and comes back. Let’s hope I can get better.

Regards,

Shve

Dear Helcat,
I’ve been following your thread. I found that trauma therapy was extremely helpful for moving past a similar experience. Would that be a possibility? Thank you for suggesting this, I think I need some therapy in this regard. I will see how this can be achieved.

You have learned the reality of the situation and it is terrifying. But it doesn’t mean that there aren’t good people out there. I realized this over the years, and almost everyone I met after this experience has been a comparatively good experience for me. But I never ventured into romantic relationships. I tried to learn about how human beings work especially men. Initially I did not want to meet anyone or talk to anyone, but I did find happiness being with others and talking to them. Infact, I experienced such deep happiness whenever any man was respectful of me even in general conversations.

It’s horrible that he shattered your dreams and it’s understandable to grieve that loss, but in time you may have new dreams. I do have new dreams, but something from this experience is holding me where I am. It does not allow me to move forward.

Whilst this betrayal has hurt you deeply, and made you feel afraid. I have hope that you will learn to protect yourself from people such as him in the future because of this experience. Yes, I am afraid of situations and people. I can’t trust anyone anymore especially men. I see I still have lot of work to do it identify such people and situations and protect myself from it. At the beginning of my interactions with him, I was vigilant and careful but I doubted myself and my intuition and paid a heavy price.
He blamed you for his actions saying that you should have stopped coming. But if you were with someone who was safe, you would never have been harmed. He is 100% responsible for the abuse. He refused to take any blame for whatever happened. Because things in life were going good for him. In such situations, people usually do not have empathy for others. I tried to explain to him why it was wrong, he would either put it back on me or remain silent. Even when I tried my best to stop and start walking away, he would call my phone and say come I’m waiting for you. He would persuade me. Once he apologized by saying sorry and immediately proceeded to touch my underarms because he wanted to feel me.

I will however suggest that the reasons why you went are very important. The first time, you didn’t know what would happen. You trusted him, it wasn’t your fault. But and I say this with love and kindness, you were responsible for repeatedly putting yourself in danger. Once you understand the reasons why and overcome them, you will be able to protect yourself in the future. It is very important for you not to blame yourself, only understand the reasons why you repeatedly allowed yourself to be subjected to his abusive behaviour. Thank you for being kind when saying this. I have thought about this a million times in all these years about why I continued to go after the first time. I think it was lust or some kind of unstoppable force so to say. Even today when I think if I could turn the clock back and go to that moment, could I have just walked away? the answer is no. I remember being very aware of how strong those feelings were. It was the first time I was experiencing all these feelings in my body coupled with the situation of him atleast paying me some attention after he rejected me. When my body experienced these physical feelings, it felt so good. But a few minutes after that when I realize that he was using me, I felt dirty. I did hold out hope that he would change his mind about me. I’m also a people pleaser and with people I am close to, they can easily convince or persuade me to do something for them. We did infact stop talking about 3-4 months of this abuse and then after 1 month of very less talking, he came back saying he wanted to be with me. I was happy, but again, it was only to touch me. This cycle only stopped when his family found his wife for him.

From my own experience, even people we trust can betray us. But not everyone will do that. The main thing we can do is look out for “warning signs” of bad behaviour. For example, when he chased you and you weren’t interested. That is a warning sign because he didn’t respect your lack of interest. Proposing when you weren’t ready, was manipulative and has the effect of suggesting that the relationship is closer than it is. His comments about other women and on your weight are also warning signs.  Agree with you on all of these. I did not realize any of these until many years after the fact. I infact took his efforts to be his “love”. So many warning signs but I did not realize this is how people can be especially those who do not have integrity.

If someone displays warning signs, take great care not to be alone with them. So true, life is lived backwards.

I would pay very close attention to what your parents say about partners in the future. They suggested that it wouldn’t be a good fit. Did they explain why? Did you ask? Loved ones are often afraid of pushing us away by being critical of partners. The only thing they said at the time was he is very different from us. (with regards to religion and background). But now when I look back, I think they were waiting to see if I truly liked him and was sure about it or was it just a fleeting thing. But before long time could pass, all of the abuse happened. This whole story happened in about 1 year, out of which 7 months were him abusing me. Actually the whole thing was abuse.

Another thing that is important, is building strong boundaries and practicing assertiveness. People like your ex target victims based on how they respond to their boundaries being breached. You didn’t maintain your boundaries when you said that you weren’t interested in dating him. You didn’t maintain your boundaries when you said that you weren’t ready to marry him. To him he would have thought great, I can do whatever I want with this woman. She will say no at first, but then I’ll be able to convince her to do it. I am trying to work on boundaries and assertiveness. I did not even know what boundaries meant and did not realise we have to have boundaries even in such associations. I just thought he would take care of me since he said he would keep me very happy. I then started reading about what boundaries are and how many people try to encroach our boundaries if we don’t stop them. I also realized that he was very good at enforcing his assertiveness and boundaries but did not respect it in others. You are right in saying I did not maintain my boundaries and also realized that I give up whatever boundary I have by a little persuasion from the other person. I tried working on this from the last few years but hear my voice crack or become nervous or start shivering when I try to assert boundaries especially in close relationships (friends, family). I’m not used to having boundaries.

Another danger, is that some people don’t like to be told no. Some may pretend to accept it initially, then retaliate in the future. It really is key to never be alone with people who aren’t worthy of trust. He was one of them who did not like to be told no. And so by hook or crook, they make us agree, does not matter what the aftermath is. Agreed, it’s never a good idea to be alone with those who we cannot trust.

The sad truth is even if you follow my advice, bad things can still happen. But it is my opinion that I can’t live in fear anymore. I would miss out on all the good things in life. All we can do is our best to move on and build a new life for ourselves, do our best to protect ourselves and pray that nothing of the sort happens again. I want to live my life openly too without any fear. To be open to good relationships, people and experiences. I’ve realized that some of these may be negative too and that’s okay, but to stay away from ones that could turn abusive.

I have also realized that my upbringing has had a profound effect on the way I deal with others especially men. My parents have a very traditional relationship which my father being dominant over my mother in most instances. I grew up seeing this. Seeing my mother being forgiving of him even if he did/ said something she did not like. She is also not an assertive person with very less/no boundaries. I grew up thinking that is how I am supposed to be. And in recent years, I started to notice that in my interactions with men. That they were superior in some way to women. All of this is somehow entangled with the situation I went through 10 years back, I might have been my mother and he my father. And like you said, men can easily detect these things in women and behave accordingly or take advantage.
Regards,

Shve

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Shve.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for responding. I was thinking about your question about parents not teaching us when we are younger. I don’t know the answer to that honestly. I guess because it’s taboo, or they think their children would never be involved with a guy the way I did or may be they think we know about such things or that it can only happen to others. I’m not really sure, may be I need to think about it some more. I did think to myself during the aftermath of this, why did I not have anyone to tell me he was not good for me.

When I confronted him about what he did during the time he was abusing me, he just said I loved you at that time so I said that, now I don’t so I’m saying that. He also said I have anger issues so he could never be with someone like that. I infact did bring up this topic before I spoke to my parents about him and he said I can manage all that, he din’t have any problem with that. For a long time I did think that I had anger issues, because I was angry at everyone else for small things. But when things became clearer over the years, I realised my anger was not fully wrong. Most of the anger during the time with him was because of his behaviour in relation to other women when we were talking. He would tell directly to me that some colleague looked hot, or among our circle of friends a friend lost weight, he would tell her did you transfer your weight to her(me). He even said another girl was the most beautiful among our circle of friends. Hearing these things made me jealous, but I did not know how to handle that jealousy, I tried to hide it and suppress it to maintain peace. May be my anger was probably misplaced by it coming out at other times and this made him think I have anger issues. But I know I was not to blame fully for that anger.

He also did mention to me once that in our office the talk was that I was a girl that men could not ‘get hold of’. May be in his male brain this became a challenge and he finally felt proud he ‘achieved’ it. Realising this made me feel very ashamed and dirty. I don’t know how to move forward from this. I did think that time would heal it, but off late these thoughts trouble me very much and does not let me do anything else. How can I move forward knowing that someone is out there enjoying their life after destroying my dreams? I also dreamt during my teens that only the person I get married to would touch me and I had made this clear to him too, but he destroyed those dreams. And his only reply was ‘ why did you come’. I can still hear that ringing in my ears :(.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for taking time to read so much and replying. I had tears reading your reply, thank you for empathizing. I’m so sorry you had a negative experience yourself, my prayers and good wishes to you.
I’ve shared about this to 2 friends of mine, one just said these things happen, it was very invalidating.  I could never share my story to my family due to the immense shame I feel even thinking of talking about it. I do want them to know what happened to me, but I could not find the courage to tell them about it. I spend many sleepless nights just thinking that I betrayed my parents but could not bring myself to tell them about this. Tried so many times, but could not. I prayed to God to show me a way, but I could not, failed every single time. I even thought of ending my life, but I can’t imagine my family going through that horror.
Yes, the person was cruel. He took advantage of my vulnerability, when I was at the lowest point in my life. But when such a long time goes by and nothing happened to him, I think may be he’s not cruel, may be I deserved this. He seems quite happy with his family too. But deep in my heart I know he did wrong, I did not deserve this. It has created in me a deep distrust of men and people in general.

Hope to hear from you, if you have any more thoughts.