Hey I don’t know where to begin. I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you to stop beating yourself up. Would you be this harsh and hateful to a friend who was in the same position? Yes there are things in your past which you regret (we have all done things that we wish we hadn’t) I’m not saying anything about it being right OR WRONG but you feeling this awful and punishing yourself endlessly will not help you to move forward. Your boyfriend seems to have had a positive impact on you in the sense that you feel you can continue healing and that is something that you have chosen to do to help yourself which is brave and tough yet you are willing to let this happen.

Please don’t start to self harm, I know it might feel like you’ve reached a point where this seems like it will help but it really doesn’t and you don’t need another thing to feel guilty about. If you’re feeling extreme then go and have a ICE COLD SHOWER. I haven’t been in the situation that you are with your relationship but you are being honest and open with him, you can not control how other people react or the actions that they will take. I think one of the hardest things is accepting that things may not always turn out how we’de expected them too, sometimes life just unravels in a random manner and we can’t make sense of it, its very difficult.

You do sound very depressed and therefore it is extremely important that you are kind to yourself (I know this is so hard, I have struggled too). Don’t put pressure on yourself to be a certain way or do things that are not good for you to please others, once you are feeling better you will be in a much better place to organize how you can go forward in your life. Please find a good friend or your uncle and consider seeing a doctor, just so they know how you are feeling, you have written about some sad experiences and the impact they have had on your life (I was also sexually assaulted, I’m still in the process of healing) and can greatly empathise with you. You CAN get support if this is what you want (are there rape/sexual assault services in your area?/via the doctor) and I really hope you manage to find a good counsellor who can help you work through the process.

Please if you take one thing away then at least let someone (good) know about how you feel who can help you to get some help. We all go through dark phases and its harder to get out for some of us than it is others. its nothing to feel bad for, You are special whether you believe it or not and YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY just as much as anyone else. I really hope you will find the strength within to come past the troubles you are going through. Our past however good or bad we percieve is GONE and it CAN NOT stop us from BECOMING who we want to be or taking any actions to accept ourselves.

sending you lots of love. Sim