Kate,
What you are feeling is exactly what I’m feeling lately except, my title would have been “shouldn’t i Have it all together BY 40?” I went through 20s and 30s not knowing what I want neither but didn’t worry or stumble too much on it. I never stopped living and just went with the flow. Got married with my 7 year boyfriend who was my first and treated me like a queen. I didn’t love him but never thought it’s that big of a deal. I wanted to have kids by 35 and he was the perfect candidate and my one and only boyfriend at that time, I couldn’t think of any other reason why I would not want to marry him. He loves me way more than I love him (I can honestly say now that I didn’t love him at all. I actually felt embarrass when saying I do..!) Two beautiful kids arrived within the past 10 years – so .. I have a hub who treats me still like a royal, 2 lovely kids, a house, a flexible part time job – shouldn’t I feel great? well… not exactly. I’m thankful for all that but I always feel like something is missing. Recently, I asked for a divorce. I felt like my kids aren’t learning any love from their parents. We argue all day, we don’t sleep together, we don’t appreciate each other. I don’t want my kids to see this everyday. I want to be able to love and have passion for someone and that’s how I want my kids to make their decision in marriage down the road.

So I’ve been feeling miserable – divorce but not quite exactly as I’m not financially independent, we have to stay in the same house or else we’ll have to sell it and it will be a challenge for the kids with no where stable to stay. Custody of the children will be another issue to face if we signed the paper…. the list of challenges go on…

I hope you can reflect to some extend on how you are living after hearing my story – don’t look at the age, it’s just a number. I wish I hadn’t been so adamant on having to get married by 30 and have kids by 35. The right timing goes with your heart, not the actual time of age. When I was 27, an older colleague told me to foresee how and where I want to be when I’m 40. I did exactly what I wanted. I’ve been hating myself so much, over this mistake I made, and the time I wasted. I totally used this man to fulfill my personal agenda. But lately I am learning how to forgive myself because like one of the posters said earlier to you, the decision was made with the best intention at that time. Accept that and move on slowly. I know the stuck feeling – I’m in it right now BIG time! but hey, our thoughts come and go. learn to live with this feeling and get the hang out of it. if we can’t stop feeling miserable – recognize it and gradually you will notice this misery feeling is less bothering each day. it’s just a thought that’s there, a feeling that we are feeling at this moment. Easy said than done, just don’t be too harsh on yourself.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by singskyle.