I’ve been in those shoes many a times before, and I ended up in a psyc ward 3 times for attempted suicide. In short it’s really not worth it. I couldn’t see any farther than the raging ocean of emotions that was right in front of me, and I still have days where I really hate my life. But there less extreme, and they’re very rare now. It sounds like your kind of in a crisis state of mind and it’s hard to get out of that so just focus on trying to calm yourself down. Take a shower and put some clean nice clothes on , self care goes a long ways. Do 90 in 90,and hell if you need more sit in a meeting all day if you have clubs where you’re at. Talk to old timers, and always talk to newcomers and I would suggest making some friends in the program with a year or so instead of spending time with a man who does not respect you 🙁 . You probably already know this but if you are trying to stay sober getting a sponsor makes a big difference. I’ve seen a lot of my friends avoid getting a sponsor, and they went back out.
For me, personally, medication (wellbutrin) for depression and regular ol’ counseling has helped a great deal. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, I am here to tell you that it DOES end. I never thought it would, I saw no point in continuing onward but I forced myself to push through a day at a time. I hope you can find some peace and a little light to hold on to
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