You know to be completely honest, I said “…love myself more before I get myself in another relationship” and the truth is I say that as a cop out to going out and finding another relationship. Right now, I feel like I don’t have the emotional energy for one or the optimism of finding a decent guy. On one hand, I don’t want to be alone forever, but on another I’m like, “whatever”. I’m scared that if I put myself out there (via on-line dating) and have more bad experiences, I will just give up entirely (on finding love). And I don’t want that to happen. Underneath all this hurt lives a hopeless romantic.

I find it interesting your suggesting in a “Healing Relationship”. I would have never have thought about that as a means to get over my issues. After that bad therapist, I purposely seeked out a male therapist. I told him I’ve always had problems with men and I decided to go outside of my comfort zone of always going to female healers (both medical and mental). And I was so not impressed with him. He barely said anything or gave me any exercises, and that’s what I need. I need a therapist who will challenge me and give me structure (things to read or write about).

^I agree with everything you posted @anita. My problem is how do I heal my 5 year old self? One of my therapists suggested to me that I find my father. She thought that finding him would end my problems with men. I know who my father is and know where and how to reach him. Well, I did. We had a decent talk and wanted to meet up. But trying to schedule something with him was impossible. I left the ball in his court and he has since ghosted on me….again. I can’t help but laugh at this point. My own father ghosted on me, yet this therapist thought it would solve all my problems. Ha!

I think you’re right that I am hyper vigilant about rejection. I think I need to work on loving myself more before I get myself in another relationship. But this last guy just resonated in me. I want what we had (the good parts). I think the fact that I attracted someone who would reject me in the end is telling. It’s like the only reason I was so drawn to him was because he was going to fulfill what I feared most. Law of Attraction at its worst. So, I need to think and fell positive in order to attract someone positive in my life who will love me back the way I need them to.

Thank you for your input and exercise.

OK, I’ll try:

-Heart-

You awoke something in me that I forgot existed. I felt it the first time we met. It was instant. The way we clicked, not just physically but intellectually. I don’t remember a time where I had so much fun just sitting next to a person on the couch. I loved how you appreciated my corky sense of humor. We balanced each other in that respect. I loved how I was able to be myself with you and you seemed to appreciate me for me. I loved how we would chat all day about everything, sometimes meaningless things, sometimes not. I loved how you would tease me and made me laugh. I loved how, in the beginning, you would find ways to touch me and how you would pick me up when hugging me hello and goodbye. Like you were happy to see me, happy to have me. I felt like an infatuated teenager…perhaps I was.

The potential you and I had made me feel hopeful and happy. I could really see us making a good team together. We enjoyed each other’s company and I can’t tell you the last time I felt that with a man. I wanted to love you, but you wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t figure out a way to break down your walls.

I tried walking away a number of times….then I would go back to you. Then when I said I would walk away for good….you would come back for me. You coming back made me feel wanted even though you were not giving me 100%. But the last time…that was it. It hurt me and still does to this day. The disappointment is the same disappointment I felt when I was 5 and my dad was supposed to pick me up for a visit, but never did. Like I had all this expectation and aspirations, just to be shit on and let down. (this is not the first time that a man, other than my father, who let me down but because of my strong feelings for you, this felt worse than the others. This pain is about the same as when I found out one of my exes was cheating on me. Getting cheated on and unrequited love feels about the same in terms of pain). I feel like I showed up at your doorstep with my heart in my hand offering it to you, and you just shut the door without so much as an explanation why. Your rejection triggered the re-birth of my 5 year-old self waiting for my father to show up in my life. Has me questioning why must men continue to shit on me? Aren’t I worthy of love? Aren’t I worthy of an explanation? Aren’t I worthy of closure?