Hi Anita,

Thank you for everything. All the conversation I had here are super meaningful and valuable in terms of my self healing journey. Greatful to have you and Tee for all the kind words.
Idk when I will post next, idk when I will be ready, I might spiral tomorrow again, but as for now, I feel strong enough to move on with bettering myself. If there’s a chance in the future between us, I will make a move, but if not, that’s ok, I’m sure we will both grow into better person.

Appreciate everything <3

Hi Tee,

Thank you for the response.
I’m not sure if he meant that he is doing it on his own without seeking help, I’m not sure about the situation. But hopefully he does. I agree, therapy and possibly doctor/rehab can really make a difference.
I’m just happy that he’s doing okay, and I’ve kind of moved on with my life. Things start to get busy, and I’ve started to challenge myself by not reaching out when I freak out or feel anxious. I’ve also started planning a solo trip so that I can be alone without relying on anyone. Not easy, I’d say it’s hard. therically, I know what’s the “right” thing to do, how to regulate it, but again, it’s really hard to transfer that into action, and without a person to test it out, I highly doubt if I’d “Relapse” or not lol. Again and because of this, I know none of us is ready.
But I still miss him a lot, miss him as a person to have in my life. Missing him is as easy as breathing, really wish him the best, and hopefully, he can get back on his feet soon and have everything he deserves. Also, kind of stopped being paranoid about him moving on or having lots of doubts about us. Because I do believe whatever we had is real, just none of us are capable of having it, tho, it doesn’t make whatever we had any less real.
I don’t mind being the person to make the first move, but not now. I’m not ready personally, I don’t want to push anything when I’m not ready. Maybe in another two months, I feel more confident handling my own emotions and giving the support my partner deserves, I’d reach out with a clear purpose to either open the conversation or close it completely.
As for now, I already feel much better than when I first posted here. Thank you so much for all these. Much appreciated.

Hi Tee,

Trying to answer some of your question here as well:

“Almost like a parent figure to your inner child. So your inner child has a need for him to be emotionally stable – the same as a child has the need for the parent to be positive, strong, reliable – to be able to emotionally regulate the child. Does this ring true to you?” this is tremendous and very helpful insight. I need to sit with it and digest. Brilliant way of looking at it

“Is he really serious about getting help? When you say “things happened and dragged him into more cycles”, do you mean there was another crisis and he resorted to drinking again?”
honestly speaking, he has been delaying. He was supposed to sign up for therapy, he told me he needs to get insurance info from his dad and he ended up didn’t sign up. He had sign up an appointment with doc, he ended up didn’t go due to work. That’s also part of the reason I kind of give up because he seems knowing the issue but not taking it seriously enough to prioritize himself first.

“Your support of him could be in the form of acknowledging his stress, having empathy for him, and not pressuring him to cater to your emotional needs when he is in distress.” Also very insightful, I need to learn and practice this, but idk how when I’m single, it seems each with friends, I can help my friends that way, but with partner, I see it differently.

Best

Hi Alessa,

Thank you for all your suggestions.
Yes I was willing to travel more but he was living with his mom or dad (they split up) so when he started to drink again, his relationship with his mom started to tense up, and his dad lives further away, not convenient for both of us to go to work. I travel to him sometimes before the whole thing clapse, but the last two months, I couldn’t, he either tells me not to go (cuz he was drunk doesn’t want me to know, and stressed out) or tell me he will come to me (which end up bailing couple times due to his stress, lack of bendwith of doing so)
We share many common interests, and I suggest things he likes to do, as well as constantly checking if he has time to hang out with friends and participate in activities that he enjoys. But things got to a point where he has no time at all for anything, he is spending too much time worrying than actually doing much. Other times, he needs to work a lot and travels a lot. barely had time to work out, eat properly, meet friends regularly, I have to say, seeing me is already the most he can do outside his personal things.
But thank you for saying that sometimes all you needed is just a simple hug, which I found out that he fall asleep so easily around me(he couldn’t sleep well usually) and he relaxes next to me if we walk for some time or sit for some time. But I was at a point that too insecure that I needed to impulsively act on my stress to try to fix something, let alone bear with the silence. That’s the moment I broke things up. I feel very bad about it, but we both did feel a bit lighter afterwards. I helped him removed one major things he needs to worry, I temporarily removed the stress he was causing me.
I do need to learn more about how not to take others’ stress internally and stress myself out, also need to learn how to empathize with boundaries. I really love him and want to try again. But even know I reflected so much, I don’t think I am ready. i really need time to work on it and make actual changes to hold his emotions.

hi tee,

thank you for the detailed response. i’m very grateful that you took the time and go through everything to make it more clear to me. he is open to therapy, he is looking at aa, he is trying to get help, again things happened and dragged him into more cycles of not able to make those plans as well. i hope he does now. i really love him and willing to support him.
through our no contact time, (it’s been two weeks now) i got a lot of clarify, my emotional underlayment is fear, fear of lack of love. so when he does express his feeling, and not able to tell me what i can do, i feel helpless and internalize it as i’m a useless person and i can’t help him, he keeps tell me again and again how stressful he is, means he doesn’t love me and i’m essentially just a burden. so i built so much resentment, but same time i know the right thing to do is support, is to say nice things, but mainwhile, my intension is wrong, it’s never come from his benefit, it’s come from me thinking that’s the right thing to do and i forced myself to do it. and that is completely ruined me. because on top of the resentment, i forces me myself to be patient and saying things not from my heart makes my emotion bottle up so fast. at a point, not only he needs to deal with his own emotion, he has to deal with mine, also deal with proving his love.
ive been working on it with my therapist, i really wish we can give it another shot.
i just want to be there for him, because the break gives me the clarify of that i actually love him and feel sad for him and care about him as a person. that i want to know if he feels better not because i want to feel less lonely, because i care him as a person.
i want to know how can i approach the conversation and if we still have a chance. 🙁