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    thank you all for replying, this is more positive of a response than i have gotten.
    iris, i have tried reading books and searching for knowledge that way, its like my brain cannot absorb that knowledge, with litterature by the end of the second paragraph i’ve forgotten the first…even here i have to keep scrolling up to re-read and remind myself whats going on. i did a number on myself. i will though, i promise you that.

    sara, its not that i’m incapable of changing, i’ve been doing that constantly…would be nice though if it was noticed though, i feel everyone that i am around have a firm idea of who i am, an image of who i am engraved in stone. with the friend i mentioned, i feel i need to walk on eggshells, positive change for me seems to have a negative effect on her…had a few conversations about how i made her feel uncomfortable, that was awhile back, when just forming a sentence actually caused physical pain, it always came out wrong. again with the friend in question, things i say are still taken in the wrong context. was proven a few days ago. while the response hurt a bit, i found a way to find it amusing to push past. and the less than desirable parts you mention…i am aware of those…some people find it in good humor to point them out. i can understand the frustration you mention, she tried to help and felt like she was failing, and couldnt / cant help anymore, did try to help her help me though, explained the damage i was trying to recover from, and said i just needed someone to talk to once in awhile to get through it, just the company of a friend. and promised her like i did here with iris that her help is more than welcome, just at the moment it is not useable until my recovery is complete…every bit of litterature or video she has sent or given me is stored until i am able to absorb the message…even have a list of where to find it just in case i forget. i do know i didnt give back as much energy as i should have, with everyone else i knew not around, everything that was happening built up, so every time i spoke with her there was something i really needed to talk about, just to talk and get it out…and that did help, but really wore her out. i know and i regret it every day. besides that, when i saw her down, i tried to offer my help, its always brushed aside, i told her i want to repay the favor but she wont let me. so i kinda feel like i’m not allowed to care about her…not allowed to care in general. before my memory loss, i did a lot of research on shyness, mine could very well be the life long inescapable type, i refuse to believe it, but have yet to have seen different. with that, you are right, a person whos steps to follow, i was following hers, just had a set back, i viewed the most beneficial way to overcome alot of my fears would be to join her at parties, be immersed in a social setting where even though i am way out of my comfort zone, there is a friend there, a small place of comfort to retreat to and regroup. i am trying to find a new way though, last couple times that small amount of comfort was missing.

    matt, the stones in the backpack annalogy works. in a way, even though it has been horrible, and is still happening, damaging my brain the way i did, i found a beneficial way to use it to my advantage. each time a memory resurfaces (i have no control of when or where, usually something happens that triggers it), i get the joy of reliving it, as if everything that happened then is happening now. before it was brutal and i couldnt handle it. now i am embracing each one and studying it…for 2 reasons…first being these are all memories i had repressed, reliving them gives me a chance to accept that it happened and move on from that pain. the second reason is a little more negative, and probably not healthy…and i wish people would understand what it is i am doing when im doing it. i tend to block out the world when i am focused on that memory, focusing all my energy on feeling it to its fullest, found that helps a bit, the mind can only accept so much before it says “thats it, im done”. i feel it important to push past those moments as quickly as i can, because like i said, i block out the world, and i’ve noticed that everyone has judged my character based on it. even though i’ve mentioned thats whats happening, and what they are actually looking at is an empty shell, im not actually there. hard to explain it.
    the energy not moving struck a note. i feel that, but on a much greater scale, with this illness i brought onto myself, its been like that energy dosnt exist. i’ve only just started feeling it again. without it i obviously dont feel like myself, and i cant be myself without it….same with memory, tried to explain that one too. mentioned i cant be myself without my memory when i was told to just be myself, and got the response that memory isnt important…its absolutely crucial, how can you be yourself if you cant remember where you came from. before this illness, i know that everything negative, every hurt, was what made me who i was. very little could hurt me, and i used each “lesson” in a possitive manner. memory is coming back, slowly, with noticing how the illness was affecting this friendship, for a long time i felt i was running out of time. feel im out of time now, and have been for a while. regardless, remembering where you come from is crucial…lost my train of thought. ..went on a rant. appologies. um, ya, memory is slowly returning, with it the energy that makes me who i am. i have recovered enough to remember how to smile and laugh again, view that as a step forward. i will check in the litterature and videos, thank you…again, its not that im not willing to, i’ve added them to the list. they will all be much more beneficial once my brain stops glitching. im hoping that happens sooner than later, lost too many years to this. will write a response to what i thought about them too, if what i feel is right, wont be too far ahead in the future. i do view it as a dont know how, and know that it can be learned. one of my fears is people accepting me in, trying to get to know me while im not myself…its happened already, at the time i really needed to talk, and trusted them to talk to…did view the guy as a friend…one of those bad moments where i was fighting to keep the hurt from causing an end (im well enough those dont happen anymore by the by). something i know i need to work on is my views of what a friend is, and possibly work on forgiving and forgetting. went to him for help, to vent, not only was he unwilling to listen, but spent at least 5 minutes screaming in my face everything he believed about me…i was lucky someone else was there and over heard it, and was there to talk to when he learned what i was recovering from. that guy understood, and in my mind is worthy of being a friend, but it was made clear after i was done he was just there to help, and didnt want anything more to do with me….sigh, sorry about dropping into rants. still have need to vent sometimes, that one has been festering since new years.

    gopi, pursuing things that i like can be a bit of a task. was raised in isolation, pretty much littaraly held prisoner on a farm in the middle of nowhere. one thing i know i like is spending time with the friends i have, which has become a very rare occurance, and only really possible with one, and its not the friend in question…she pushed me out of her life, though says i can still hang out, as long as it is at her place…which is filed with people i dont know, and at the moment any negative emotion i am doing the best to avoid, shyness causes a very negative emotion where i feel even more alone…but thats not the whole of it, at the moment it spirals out of control. i feel alone, which seems to emit a negative energy from me, that forces people further away, which turns to feeling invisible, part of the furniture kind of deal, which turns to feeling like a creepy guy silently standing and observing, and ends with feeling completely unwanted and unwelcome. i know its mostly in my mind, working on that.
    other than spending time with friends, i cant think of anything. dont enjoy doing anything alone, i dont know, i know i have a lot to work on.

    to everyone, if it feels like im not willing to accept your help or advice, thats not the case, im taking things one step at a time. recovering my mind and memory is a daunting task, wont stop fighting even in the days i feel there is no reason left to fight. my responses are, not sure how to put it, i have a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings, and maybe something in there might shine light on something overlooked that is meant to be said but wasnt…something along those lines, i take all your advice to heart and look forward to implementing it in my life. i lost alot to this, but found a reason to fight through that no person can take away, i fight to be a better friend / person. to be the guy i know i can be.
    its confusing, for me at least, im here for a reason, i know its important, but have forgotten what it is i am trying to do….the fight itself seems to have lost purpose. just being able to talk/write to people helps on so many levels in this. knowing people care, its a step…its rare, thank you all.

    as for an update with the whole friend issue. its odd. is really hard to do, i seem to get a much more positive response as long as i dont care. but again, will do anything for my friends, its torture for me because it goes against everything i believe,…i’ve completely forgotten what it is i am doing, or saying, i’ve lost more than spiritual energy through this, lost too much sleep to it too. cant comprehend whats going on. so im gonna stop talking and come back when i have more brainpower. asside from her, you guys…and gals..are the first to offer any real advice and guidance…ever…much appreciated. and from what i have read is much more effective than “be more confident”.

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