edit: I am glad replying to my post kept you entertained during the boring treadmill!

Dear Anita,

“…a girl in a cage, blocked chakras, deteriorating mental health.”

A big sign of this is, last year in may, I had recurring acne on my face for the first time in my life! It was hard for me to face because I didn’t know why and I was upset that it was happening, as I have been blessed my whole life with fairly smooth skin. The first week I was living apart from N, in my new apartment, my acne went down significantly, still small recurrences, smaller and smaller until just last week they stopped. My face is now only healing past scars and no longer breaking out, I am so happy. I did try a number of things and adding a face cloth to my regime was very helpful, as AZ water is much different than WA water. Then I added more moisture to my routine as well, thinking the dry climate was affecting it too, I also naturally started eating healthier, and drinking less, as soon as I broke up with N. All those reason contribute, but I definitely feel like a factor on my skin was the stress N caused me, blocked chakras –> blocked pores.

“- maybe she meant the light/ higher vibrations are is back to your eyes, face, voice, the words you use.”

“- sometime when you are relaxed, maybe listening to music you liked back in high school, or looking at photos of yourself back then, sit in front of the computer, imagine that you are the girl in the photos and type away whatever comes to mind. You can start with competing the sentence: “I feel_______”.”

It is interesting to hear this perspective because it is hard for me to tell if I was high vibrations in high school, how could I have been despite my parents being the most low vibrational relationship at home? As young as 13 I remember wishing them apart, I preferred one without the other, I could sense the low vibrations and wanted to repel them. Around the same age my parents let me move downstairs to our mostly furnished basement. There was a guest room I made my room and the separation form the rest of the house was nice, although I have a vivid memory of my dad pacing the floors one night, I went to the top of the basement stares to listen to what he was doing, because it was keeping me up. I put my ear to the door and could hear him leaving voicemails for my mom, asking “where are you.” It was late. I stayed at the top of the stairs cause I was curious and wouldn’t be able to sleep with his pacing anyways. She came home. She walked in, there was silence, he asked “where were you?” he asked out of pain, not anger or shouting, he was asking genuinely and a sadness peaked out of his voice (I feel his pain right now). She just fell into tears. All I remember from that point was her crying, thinking she was drunk and not answering his question.

I had few things in my life that made me feel like me, I had to fake enjoyment for things my dad wanted me to do, such as sports. The tricky thing is I wasn’t all faking, it became so real that I enjoyed it. And I was good at sports, I was a natural. I did love my club soccer team, but when it came to my highschool team I did not like the team, and therefore began to loath the game too. When I told my dad about sports he was proud. Also, the siblings around me in age did not follow the rules as I did, which is also why I felt like I needed to follow them. I felt bad for my dad that my brother was awful at sports, so I wanted to be what made him happy. my sister younger than me was just like my dad, very stubborn, she refused to be someone she wasn’t (which I admire now) and at the time that created a rift between her and I. She had such a hard life because she was constantly disciplined for acting out (later in age I realize she was acting out because she wasn’t being cared for as she needed, like the metaphor you shared with me about a child going to work with the mom, she will behave if she got what she needed at home otherwise have temper tantrums outside the home). I remember thinking that she brought her own pain upon herself, I was doing what my dad wanted me to and therefore got his love, then she was jealous of me for getting his love. She annoyed me, I thought “just do what you’re told and you won’t make this harder for all of us.” She had tantrums infront of guests we had over, it was embarrassing. She would scream at babysitters, run away from home and steal things from me and my youngest sister, and bully my youngest sister. My brother was always out of touch, my mom thought he had asperger’s, he would get really angry and hit us, he was told to hide his anger so much that it turned into passive aggression and judgement, who he is today. My youngest sister has always had a love hate with my other sister, friends one minute then the next other sister was trying to bother her, even up until last year. (other sister moved to another state). I loved my youngest sister dearly, she was cute and sweet, she was a people pleaser like I was, she understood how to follow rules to receive the love she needed, unlike my other two siblings.

All this said, the way I was raised greatly affected my self esteem. I didn’t get to know who I was because I was so consumed with everything around me and the rules I had to follow to keep the peace, and put up with temper tantrum siblings all the time. By the time I got to school, I was good at making friends, but I always felt a little socially behind, my private school upbringing hid a lot of things from me, I was made fun of for being “innocent.” I didn’t understand the sleazy jokes, and I wasn’t aloud to text or hangout with boys, so I missed out on alot of things in middle school, still restricted in high school I began to sneak around. I could be natural with certain people, but maybe 2 in my whole highschool, so I often felt awkward in groups. We talked before about certain people you have to dim your vibrations for in order to be on their level. Which perhaps does show that I had a high vibration. I thought I was awkward, so I was, I was told I was. Certain responses I had were the truth, and people would scold me for being open about it, say I was awkward for brining it up. I used to think I was awkward and that was bad. Today I have just learned to own the fact that to this society, I am “awkward” but I don’t care anymore like I used to, now I think well if they want to respond weird I will leave. My friends now understand me and I try to get them to be “awkward” too, even though I think sometimes “awkward” = authentic.

I have always been good at speaking to boys. I was really good at being flirtatious, meaning just witty and fun. I loved witty banter with people, girls or boys. But with boys the wittiness would be more flirtatious, I really liked texting boys (hidden from my parents) because it was like a flirtatious release I enjoyed. But the thing was, none of those flirtatious conversations, actually wanted to date me. Infact, I witnessed all of my crushes with another girl. In middle school I witnessed the boy I had been talking to and really had a big crush on, a girl came to visit her friends at the school, he saw her and immediately left my side and lifted her into the air. It was like from a movie, but I was sitting there watching as my heart felt like it was falling into a million pieces. Again in middle school, this time was worse because the boy I liked, his friend told me he liked me too. I got so excited, I even told my dad. A couple weeks later I found out his friend made that up because he thought it was true, infact the guy was into one of my friends, he asked her to the dance instead and I witnessed it all, heartbroken. In highschool there was another guy I liked, he liked my friend, actually my roommate now! She did not like him so I didn’t have to witness that one but I did have to concole him about her…which was a whole other feeling of heart ache. In highschool, it happend once again, I was texting someone I really liked, this guy actually, we texted on and off for years age 16-19. I had/ have never had the feelings I had for him, T. But he was in to someone else, he invited me to go to youth group with him once, we hung out and had classes together so spending time with him was easy. At youth group, the girl that he liked was there, I sat down at my seat and she sat on his lap. It was the same feeling again, shattered heart. All of these occurrences, happening every year of middle and highschool for me, 8 years, made me think the guys that I wanted didn’t want me and I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t feel less pretty, so I blamed my personality, crushing my self esteem. Even today I get anxious around a guy if I have any feelings, often I am mean to him because I don’t want to flirt/show interest and be rejected. With this self doubt and lack of self esteem, could I have really had a high vibration through all this going on around me? not forgetting what I would also go home to?

“- congratulations on your new job, Seaturtle the Nanny.”

Thank you! I have always been good with little ones, I have never been rejected by one of them, haha!

“the weed and alcohol did not shut your 3rd eye. It kept vibrating and seeing through the smoke and the alcohol.”

The sad part is I wanted to close my third eye. So that I could enjoy N.

You quoted me: his response ‘But If I tell you how beautiful you are, you will leave me’“ and responded “- bingo! He wanted you to stay in the cage..! The spider wanted you in his web, alive but not strong enough to fly away and leave him.”

Why was he afraid that I would leave if he acknowledged my strengths?

I am certainly getting more over him every day. Yesterday my feelings of disgust changed from inside of me to seeing it in him, seeing him as gross. I still wonder about getting my things and have anxiety about this, I find myself planning what to say in my head but it also just brings me anxiety to think about.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“So, to get along with a person who hides and deceives, you have to be part of the FEAR and the hiding and deceiving, aka unbalanced and blocked chakras.  I wrote fear with capital letters because it’s the kind of fear that annihilates the gut…”

To be part of the fear, deceiving and hiding, I wonder what this lead to inside my body and outside in my expression/personality.

To stay in fear you have to ignore your gut? So then by listening to your gut your annihilate FEAR?

“yes, light around him, not light into him.”

I was telling my roommate last night, I feel like I explained to him who I was so much that he didn’t have to ask me questions, like I craved him shining light on me, and thought that I could do it myself. While at the same time trying to shine my light on him. Last night my roommate admitted, “I did notice while you were together that you didn’t seem like the girl I once knew in high school, and now away from him it seems like she is back.” It is interesting because I don’t remember my highschool self a whole lot, I feel like my parents divorce and emotionally tense home-life, affects my memory of the time, not necessary events but of feelings… Is there a way for me to get more familiar with myself in that time? This reminds me, recently I have been trying to focus on getting to know myself again, fall in love with who I am. But what happens is I fall into what I would usually do, shower, make dinner, or play with the little girl I nanny (my new job right now). Then as I am doing those things I stop and wonder ‘wait, who am I, what am I doing right now, what does it look like and how do I be me…” It is a strange feeling, I want to shine more light on me!

I said “I feel like he knew on some level, that I could help him“ and you responded, “- this may be wishful thinking/ feeling on your part.”

You may be right. To be honest I am really not sure, sometimes I felt like there was a part of him calling out for help, but then when I responded to help he was receptive for only a short amount of time or not at all. His response being “can we just have fun tonight, we haven’t had light fun in a while.” But I struggle to enjoy “light and fun” when there is something that needs to be exposed, whether it is me needing to bring light to something I do, or to what he does. More often it was me trying to shed light on myself, to him, something I got the vibe that he was bored to talk about. His face lit up if I asked about work, his truck, skiing, his nephew (no one else in his family, only his nephew), hiking, boating, camping, food, weed (only in a positive light), but I found all those conversations boring. I once tried to explain to him that talking about deeper topics energized me, and he said they drained him and the topics above energized him (while they bored me after a certain point).

“when you dare open your throat chakra and say what you see through your 3rd eye”

Towards the end of the relationship, the last 3 months, he told me he didn’t like me when I drank alcohol. When I drink I become very vocal about my internal thoughts, so it makes sense that he didn’t like the things I had to say. If I had seen something with my third eye that week, but didn’t say it out holding back from overwhelming him with thoughts, it would spill out when I drank even a couple drinks. It is interesting because smoking started to make me have negative thoughts about him, so I stopped smoking, then drinking did it too and so I had to stop drinking most of the time with him because I would get too confrontational for him. If we drink together (with anyone) and I am feeling a type of way, it often will come out, especially since him and I were together so much. One time he did not like, and the next day said was verbally abusive… and I can admit it was too much, but it was true. So there were two issues I really wanted him to fix for me, one was being late, and the other was giving me some words of affirmations. He very very rarely gave me physical compliments, I got more compliments from random people on the street then I did from my partner, I said this to him that night. The place I took too farm and it was because the alcohol got away from me that night… which I feel regretful for was I began to compare him to past boyfriends and how they would say things, to give him examples and to prove to him he was not doing it, this was clearly not a good argument, but I understand my drunk self’s attempt here. I apologized the next day for comparing him to past boyfriends, I knew that was wrong of me. The compliments never came, the first year with him I didn’t really notice, it was the second year that I started to wonder like ‘do you even notice I put this on for our date, I don’t wear this for anyone but me and you.’ I asked him once, a time he had smoked and was for feeling-y because of the marijuana, I said “babe why don’t you compliment me? I know you think I am beautiful but do you realize how much if would mean to me to hear it from your lips?” his response “But If I tell you how beautiful you are you will leave me”…. this is so sad but also an issue because even after I assured him it would have the opposite affect on me, it didn’t change. He made comments like “oh I haven’t seen that skirt before” or “I like the color of your pants,” but not like those have anything to do with ME, I told him but do I look good in them? He just had a very hard time giving me compliments, sort of in the same category as making me feel seen. I often felt he did not know what made me special, mentally or physically.

” a twist on the spider imagery- the spider wants to feast on a living/ fresh fly, so he feeds the fly with just enough dung to keep it alive, but not strong enough to escape the web.”

Which would explain why he was afraid of me moving out, to find enough strength to leave. When I was first telling him about moving out he did not want me to and told me “I could just seem myself pulling away if you move out.” I feel like this was a manipulation tactic to try to get me to stay, making me fear losing him and deciding to stay.

My roommate brought up a good point last night too, as I was venting to her like I am to you today, out of this gross feeling I am trying to release (which by the way I apologize if it is sending you low vibrations). She pointed out how strange it was that he would act like nothing happened, even the few times she witnessed this. She said I remember you saying you guys had an argument on the phone and an hour later he was at the apartment behaving as if nothing had happened, I of course realize this, but the fact she could see it too is validating. He did do this. Interesting how not saying anything can be just as manipulative as saying something. When this sort of thing happened, and I did bring it up, he would basically say to get over it. So then I would come to this thread and try to see how to get over it, by seeing how I could be projecting F onto N. I tried so hard to take the blame because that was easier than having him refuse to.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

My third I potentially, I just asked myself, would I have been in the closet, anxious, if I had an authentic and open third eye chakra, in the first place?

I remember mentioning before here, that at times I felt like N would cause me pain, then also console me for it… confusing.

But there were times I felt genuinely happy with him, I think about our day trip in Las Vegas the day after new years last year, he grabbed me and kissed me in the middle of a huge beautiful walkway, i was so happy in that moment, I have it on video actually and ran across it the other day and watched it. Perhaps a bad decision, but it did happen why hide from it.

“what does my heart want deep inside and what can I do to give it what it truly wants today and every day?”

That is my current question, what does my heart truly want. I do know that R, is fulfilling some of my hearts needs right now which is so nice to have.

to send him positive thoughts and a positive sentiment over a distance, not to deliver these to him directly, or in-person.”

I wonder how this will bring me some peace.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

This is a journal entry on another topic that has been on my mind the past 24 hours, and I would love your advice and thoughts.

(1)I have always loved the idea of having a ‘girl group’ of friends, multiple perspectives and multiple people to be there for you. When I watch of Sex in the City (the movie/show) I want what they have. Even in the tv show Friends, the group of friends, even just the three girls having eachother. Despite having this desire I have found myself, over the years since highschool, found myself avoiding mixing certain friends… I had this friend, G, she was my first real friend, she lived down the street and her parents were often not home so she would spend the summers with me and my family. We went to different schools for a while, but once I joined her public school, instead of helping me make friends, it was more like some competition to show me all the friends she made… From this point on, I made other friends on my own, because I couldn’t rely on her ‘in school.’ I made good friends, all temporarily though in classes, but then I met a girl T, who I really liked and got along with, we would spend lunches together freshman year. T told me one time she felt weird because G had reached out to her to hangout… I thought this was weird too, G didn’t even know T but through me. I didn’t like this but it was ignored because T didn’t desire to respond. G was fun to be with outside of school and without other girls OR boys around. (literally told the boy I liked in middle school that I liked him! and that she did too!) But then she apologized, that was in 8th grade and it wasn’t until sophomore year (10th grade) I was able to go hangout with her again, with walls up.

(2)Since then G has been in bad relationships where guys cheat on her and she stays, they are mean to her and she cries to me, then I try to tell her to leave and she stays with them. Last year I had to tell G that I could no longer answer her long calls to vent about these men that she would only go back to, in fact days before breaking up with N when you told me that you could no longer hear about his gaslighting, I was reminded of this. Anyways I don’t want this bad relationship to affect how I approach other friends, with walls up.

(3)Then there is P, we connected sophomore year and have been the best friendship I have had since then. She is always a phone call away, and she was a big reason I chose to move to AZ, where she moved a couple years ago. Although since I have lived here this past year, she has been consumed with this relationship, that from the outside seemed obviously toxic to me, but love is blind. Her eyes were recently opened, she fell out of love but is paying a lease with him until october. In the mean time being around him and draining her in every way. The three options you shared with me yesterday “you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.” P is confined to option 1, until she can move out. Just yesterday she came over to go on a walk with me, I asked her how she was, and she just burst into tears. Saying she feels stupid for moving in with this man, she knew it was wrong and just ignored her intuition, she said he brings out the worst in her, now they are just roommates who argue.

(4) The difference between G and P, is that G continues to return to the men. I can tell P knows what she deserves and it is no longer this situation. G, for example, would cry one minute, then the next be like “oh wait I think we can actually make it work.” Whereas P, is very set on it never working, I trust she would not go back. This redeeming quality in P, plus how mentally healthy I have seen her in the past, is why I stick by P, through a hard time right now. However I do find I am protective of my energy around her… I want to be there for her, but not let it bring me down, which I think she is good at not over-staying her welcome, a Quality G did not have. I feel like to have lasting friends you need to be there for them through the hard parts, and you just need to decide which friends you believe are growing and who would keep you stagnant. P has brought me up before, now it is my turn to be there for her.

(5)I am so beyond thankful for my roommate, R (I have called her M in the past but I don’t want to use the same letter I use for my mom, so I will change hers to R for Roommate). She was the one who told me, before breaking up with N, that she would be there for me, she said “let’s do it, I can be here for you” she brought me ice cream the night of the breakup, leaving her current date early. Since then I have spent alot of time with R, days I would usually have spent with N. When R works I get some needed alone time as well. The other night when we went out, I shared with her my desire to go visit Louisiana, potentially my next home! I love everything that I have read, and I do not love AZ, I have been asking my higher self, where next? for a long time but am patient for the answer. Then a few days ago I sat in silence and felt the desire to look at a map, I want to live by a large body of water, the coast perhaps, as I looked along the coast, ruling out certain states I found myself at New Orleans, a place I have been wanting to visit for a while. I looked up the culture and so far am so intrigued. The night we went out I told her about it, she got excited for me and said she could see me there. She said she would love to go visit with me! save up together and go explore, this morning we talked more about budgeting and planning the trip.

(6)So here is my dilemma. I have invited P and R to hangout the three of us twice, both times I sort of felt it was overtaken by P. I think it is because in her living situation now, she doesn’t get to express herself, so it comes out in bursts when she is out and it is hard for others to get a word in. Personally I have found my time with R more enjoyable, and feeding to me. But yesterday when P came over, she made a comment, seeing a picture of me and R’s night out, she said “I would have come out with you guys! I have been home just sad.” I didn’t really respond, but I was thinking, ‘I am happy it was just me and R.’ As I spent the evening with P last night, I kept thinking ‘should I mention the New Orleans trip?’ I didn’t, because I wasn’t sure what I would say if she asked to come. I sort of just want to go with just R. But, to come full circle to the beginning of this post, I have always wanted a ‘girl group,’ yet here I am denying it? Intuition or fear?! here we are again. Is it ever fear? I have been this way for so long, ever since keeping G away from T, freshman year of highschool (who I mention at the beginning of this post). I wonder if I am pushing away my opportunities for a girl group, or if being with one person at a time is best for me.

(7) The interesting thing is, R came home this morning, right between paragraphs 4-5 (i will number them now so it is clearer). I asked her about her night at a birthday party last night, then we got to talking about our New Orleans trip, when it would be the best time and how long we would need to save. Then she brought up “and you know I was thinking about if we should invite other girls, but I think it should just be us since we have similar goals going and mixing up what everyone wants to do might take away from our both wanting to just explore.” I found this so interesting because I was just here journaling about that question and she brought it up without me even saying anything about that. The same things were on her mind as mine.

Anyways, I appreciate this space to journal and if you do have some insights as to my friendship patterns, or anything, I’d love to hear.

Happy Sunday! (smiling sunshine emoji)

Seaturtle

Anita,

“– imagine choosing your own Aware- Seaturtle’s standards of what a good partner means is in your life vs relative standards, (relative to your father, in this case). A highly vibrating crown chakra will not be confined to one’s childhood/ past standards.”

I am reading one paragraph at a time and responding, like usual, and find it cool that I am reading this after, above, asking you about “standards.” I like this alot, and is what I want, to have my own standards, and not be confined by my childhood experiences.

“- imagine a carefree childhood where the child does not worry about what her parent is thinking and feeling.”

Sounds lovely and foreign.

“His heart chakra’s vibrations are low. Not his fault. Thing is, no point in hitting a rock with a stick trying to get water out of it (not after a long-enough period of time of hitting it and then understanding what happened/ is happening).”

I went out with my roommate last night, actually we spent the whole day together, went to the library where I sat and replied to your messages yesterday. We then did a little shopping, then went grocery shopping for dinner and she wanted to dye her hair! I actually have cut my other friends hair and when my roommate asked me I did a good job again, then she asked if I would dye it and I am so proud of how it turned out! only semi permanent, but it looks so good and we had so much fun, we made little cocktails then after getting ready went to a fun bar and ordered espresso martinis and planned a future vacation together haha. Anyways I bring this up because I am a bit hungover, and it makes me a little loopy, so I wonder if it is because of that but, all this to say, I don’t quite understand the bolded quote above, could you explain it more? I am also curious as to why his heart chakra vibrations are lower than mine and why it is unchangeable?

 “One lesson: when you spot a possibility of a manipulative technique in-progress, expose it to the possible manipulator. If she/ he expresses any introspection and considers your input, then that’s good. If  he/ she continues with the same manipulative technique but with a twist (like M did in this example, making you feel bad about her feeling bad… over making you feel bad) or changes to another manipulative technique (like F does when he changes a topic, or when he lies), then you know who and what you are dealing with.”

I am excited to know this! I fear being manipulated again, so I am glad my third eye muscle is strengthening so that I won’t be. I wonder how the manipulator feels, when they are scrambling for their next manipulation tactic.. why they do this rather than just be authentic?

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.”

Well then my *intuition is that I will know when it is the right time 🙂

“I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation”

Both of my parents were CCP’s, not sure who was worse but probably pretty equal. Then I upgraded to living with only F, saw my mom’s errors, removed her from the pedestal. Then I had only one CCP, compared to two. Then I upgraded to N, a CCP, but lesser of one than F. So I am swimming in the right direction. Hopefully all this “emotional predation” is making me stronger and not wearing me down.., what do you think?

You quoted: Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).

As I was first reading this, “they…make emotional displays to influence…charm, disarm… others,” I thought of myself. I feel I behaved this way with F at times. When he would come to me with an issue he believed I had, it was often those moments that I conveniently decided to share something that would make him sympathize with me… For example, there were two pretty awful things my mom did, one being the last time she cheat on him and another time she did something harmful to me. Both times I revealed them to my dad they were in moments of him coming at me with something, the first time I had gotten in a car accident and tried to hide it (at 16) in order to protect my friend, who hit it. And also to protect my location, I was at a different place at the time than I said I was. When my dad confronted me about lying, we had a long conversation and as we were resolving it… actually pause on my theory here, because it was as my dad and I were having a moment of resolve and I felt closer to him that, that I felt obligated to tell him about my mom. I was going to say I used telling him to relinquish attention on what I had done… but now that I am writing it I think it was more that our resolve, apology and his forgiveness made me feel I owed him emotional honesty. Interesting. See when I first read your response (the one I bolded and quoted) I thought maybe I had been like that before, emotional displays to disarm… and I wasn’t “claim[ing] to be the victim…of the person [I was] in fact victimizing;”

My confusion on emotional sincerity is literally making me question my own emotions, I do not want to be like my parents. The example my mom set for me was that when my dad was upset with her (for money or cheating) she would always cry, I think to disarm him. I wonder if this contributes to why confrontation with my dad was so hard when I lived there, I literally had to preface my confrontation to him with, “I will probably cry right now but they aren’t tears of sadness they just happen.” I wonder if my mom “insincerely” crying when my dad would confront her about real issues…. has something to with why I would have involuntary tears come to my face quite often when trying to have a confrontational talk with my dad. Less now, it has actually been years since I have had a real confrontation with him so I am not sure if this is still a bodily instinct.

This theory evolved as I wrote it, interesting what I came up with though and I am curious what you think…

I have another thought, you wrote “your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers.” I wonder if my original instinct to wonder if I was in the wrong, when reading your quote from emotional predators .com, above, was this fear still lingering..? It is just hard for me to accept that everything was N’s fault, that seems like a slippery slope, I must have done some bad too right? You know when you read information that is so one sided, and you wonder, well I wonder the other side of the story… I wonder this, the more one sided I present the relationship, as in he did the most wrong, then what is the other side of the story as to make it more reliable information… the self doubt here…

” They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests…”

Wow when I read this, it has N written all over it. This drove my crazy, I would ask the most direct and simple a question could be and he would act like I was speaking another language, it was infuriating actually.

“Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators”

I need this book.

“he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.”

Exactly.

“His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.”

I questioned his sincerity/ authenticity once, towards the end, and he was really offended. Another example of an emotional predator.

“You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.”

Interesting here, because as I read this I noticed, there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe this… Because he said it! He made me feel that if I did those things he would be more available, emotionally. He said specifc things like this, I can’t remember exact words but just little comments that he would respect me more, have more to give me emotionally, if I brought home alot of money. It would even temporarily inspired me into thinking that is what I wanted, and feasible to me, but then in reality it was not what I really cared about.

“– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.”

I like this!

“We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.”

We do! I welcome constructive criticism, I want to see myself! I think a huge drive for me to be this way was constantly being told I was something (by F) that did not resonate with me. He showed me what I wasn’t and I didn’t like it and needed to prove to myself that wasn’t who I was, and to do so I had to learn to see me! I think this was my main drive to go to therapy, for another perspective on me and my relationship with F. I would ask her, please tell me if I am in the wrong her I want to see this correctly.

“N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.” 

Wow. you are so right he was not interested in being seen, and I wanted to see him so badly, I thought If I tried hard enough I could…. wow.

“problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty”

This is so tricky because he would say mental strength advice, and it felt useful to me, so I would then believe he is a good partner because he is providing me with things that are making me better. But then his mental strength being rooted in interpersonal dishonesty appeared in other ways, I didn’t see him as lacking mental strength, he lacked honesty which is like a liar giving you nutrition facts… the nutrition facts might be true, so in a nutritional conversation they appear very smart and honest, then they lie in other areas of life so it is harder to make the connection to their dishonesty, because they were honest sometimes. 

“- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.”

It is certainly concerning (the substances he used and probably still uses). I gain empathy for it when I think about how his dad is an avid cannabis enthusiast/smoker, like literally always has a joint in his pocket hiding it from his wife, who pretends she doesn’t see it… a lifetime I certainly don’t want/afraid of when I saw his parents. I gain empathy for N when I think of his fathers example, offering N to smoke with him when he was only 14. so sad. Then also when he hired N, in 2020 after his football career ended, he hired him with an insulting wage and insane hours, when I met N he went to work at 10pm (he was in fiber optic installations, so it makes sense it was late, but it is the hours that were concerning.) he worked 10pm-5pm the next day! He worked 20 hour shifts back to back, he slept in his truck, all of this promoting substance use, like energy drinks and nicotine like his coworkers. Him putting himself through that was concerning to me, but I sort of rescued him, I showed him how ridiculous it was , he told me, after he quit that I am the one that got him out. He was in a loop and I showed genuine concern and showed him.

“– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well.”

Are you saying to not wish him well? I think you are saying to wish him well but I just thought to ask haha.

 “Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.”

I agree.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!

“These risk factors appear to decrease the average age for developing a mental illness and are attributed to an increased incidence of mental illness and increase the risk for development of a cannabis use disorder. Cannabis use is also associated with exacerbation of and possibly development of anxiety disorders and depressive disorders”

This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual. This is why I initially stopped, I stopped before moving out, although still tempted every once in a while. But I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety. In your more recent post you mention ” I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open..” As I also mentioned in my most recent reply I was taking care of many parts of myself in that time, by reading those books and going to the gym and taking long days in the gym to go to the spa facilities as well, I found lots of peace in the steam room (Seaturtle likes the humidity hah). So although I was smoking something destructive I was also doing things during the say to open my third eye, I believe that once I opened it, I could no longer unsee what it showed me. It is true what you say  “I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open.” What happened after I saw certain things, that I should move out, that N’s home was not good for me and nor was he for some reason. I stopped enjoying the effects of cannabis because it would only make me see what I saw when my third eye was open, see that I wasn’t in the right place, and it no longer brought me peace. More interesting is I smoked after that occasionally, knowing it would only make me anxious, but I kept thinking “maybe this time It will allow me to relax as it had before.” But no, something changed in me and I constantly wondered “why can’t I enjoy weed anymore? I used to enjoy it, it made me creative, and I felt relaxed, why suddenly do I not enjoy it?” I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself, and thanks to my third eye I ended the cycle. I still crave it at times, but it doesn’t relax me still today, I have with my roommate two or three times since living here and each time only enjoyed it partially, more than I did towards the end with N, but still not as much as I used to. I have to admit I do wish/hope in the future I will be able to enjoy it occasionally again, but very occasionally as I did before meeting N. Before him it was not often, it was a few times a year. Well other than it was consistent when my mom shared her thc vape with me when I was 18. a strange time I have not thought back on very much.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career. He played from 7 years old until he was 22. He played in high school, his position (i looked up once) is the most common to get hit in the back of the head. This was an issue in our relationship I had to hide my disapproval of the sport, honestly I find it stupid, the amount of injuries that the news hides, the girlfriends and wives that have tried to share their stores of a disease called CT, “Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is a brain condition thought to be linked to repeated head injuries and blows to the head.” (found on NHS.uk, first google search result). N told me about his fear of getting this disease, it was a joke amongst him and his football friends.., this bothered me, they would joke about losing their memories and going crazy.. it scared me. I did alot of research on the disorder one time and it scared me, it is early onset dementia and that is the most mild symptom ,wives of players said their husbands would show up at random places and not know how they got there, these men only being in their 40s, the youngest being only 17. After playing in highschool, N also played 4 years in college then another year he played for the national team, the Broncos. In this time he said he would have sleep paralysis, wake up and not be able to move. He often attributed alot of his mental strength to football, they taught him to get over his pain, this is where he gets his whole “words don’t matter” mantra. He would claim that nothing anyone said could affect him as much as he has gone through physically. I think this was his mindset anyways, it was hard to understand completely when he would talk about these things cause they were so far from my beliefs. But part of me admired his mental strength, He was able to endure lots of pain, something that perhaps I am too sensitive with so I thought he could balance me in this way. For example if it was too hot outside where we moved to lol, he taught me to not be anxious, to accept it, that the anxiety would make me hotter. He taught me to relax in pain, and in alot of ways I think I needed to hear what he said. On the dreams, he would tell me he would have very vivid dreams every night and it didn’t give him a restful sleep, so he would smoke to avoid dreams.

“What do you currently think about to N’s negatives when it comes to his regular daily, regular smoking weed (and vaping nicotine)?”

1-Although N does not take direct responsibility, when he smoked he would sort of get there. He did actually apologize for his behavior a couple times when he was high. Or we would be having an argument, he would smoke then come to my side on the argument… this was so destructive because it was these moments that made me feel he could self actualize, and I needed very little hope to allow the relationship to go on.

2-I also think it was negative that he smoked to avoid feelings/dreams. It allows you to ignore what your body and mind are telling you, and just promoted his teflon.

3-It also leads to eating badly, it makes you crave fast foods, and not only fast foods, but instant pleasures, like sex.

4-It was so dangerous when I started to want him to smoke.. for 1 and 3. He was more passionate when he smoked. He was more adhd sober, an aspect of him I didn’t even know until our second year of dating because he used weed to medicate it. his adhd stressed me out, he would move so quickly, talk faster, just give me anxiety. I wanted him to slow down in conversation and in sex and the weed did this. Since I wanted him to smoke sometimes, I didn’t ask him to stop, I didn’t tell him to. Since I wanted it sometimes I didn’t feel like I could ask him to stop smoking, cause I felt hypocritical, I felt in a bind of having to just accept it as part of him.

on vaping nicotine,

1- I worried for his health. physically, his lungs and I could see it in his eyes and I could almost taste the nicotine in his skin…

2- I worried for his mental health. I could tell he was ashamed of it, he felt badly about himself when he smoked it, so promoting his self disapproval making him then act out of his own self hate manifesting itself as rudeness towards me. After being noticeably mean once I literally told him if he is mean to himself he will inevitably be mean to me. Hurt people hurt people. This was a new concept to him and what, i think, led him to say he would take care of himself more, for us, at the last dinner we had.

3- combination of mental and physical health, I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit alot of these things in order for me not to know, he told me this, and I beleiev it because I remember him starting to look younger that year, from the first time I met him to the end of the first year he literally looked 10 years younger, partially cause of his 24 hr shifts at his dads company…. but also those substances.

“I am wondering, remembering his talk about a future where he would stay home and you will be out working, bringing in the money, those were his serious thoughts/ a plan for the relationship..? And in materializing this plan, he’d stay home smoking weed all day..?”

I think so. I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well even if one of them hit their head cause he was smoking, something like this. Since he hid smoking from me in the first place there is no way he would admit to smoking and losing track of a child. Maybe children would change him, I thought… but that is an awful big risk to take.

Seaturtle