I will read your next post tomorrow I think, as right now I feel calm enough to wind down and hopefully not dream of him.

Goodnight Anita

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.”

It does trigger this. It also triggers, what I think might be a larger trigger, that I feel again unseen. Just as I came to this sight with my very first post about N, and was not seen, even when I tell my mom, my close friend, they don’t see the gravity of the issues with N. Being in a high vibrational unison with my crown chakra was lonely in my relationship, and it is also outside of it, quite often. Which reminds me I need to set up an email address so we can connect!

“Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.”

It is interesting you bring this up because, just today I was thinking about how I have to daily remind myself why I broke up with him, and I wondered what I am strengthening as I do that. All this work of reminding myself the truth has to be developing some sort of muscle to be able to descern truth better in the future. My third eye is this muscle.

“- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.”

As I read this, at first I thought it was a good idea, then I was suprised by my next thought “Did I deserve it when he tried to cause me pain,” Had I done something worth the passive aggression. I fear that I took advantage of him.. When I wasn’t working for the first few months of last year, trying to find a new job that didn’t drain me. It took me a while, in the mean time I did my art and things around the house, but I could have done more. I could have grocery shopped and cooked more for him coming home from a long day from work and I was only home job searching online and painting. He half heartedly supported me, but after it was too late, after that time he told me he felt taken advantage of and I fear his causing me pain came from him feeling taken advantage of. I think I feel a lack of energy in my third eye now, as I just tried to think about why this could be invalid but I am quite tired. My new schedule is busy on monday and tuesday, but I am available in the evening. Plus, that sickness I had back in early December is still lingering, I thought I was better for about 5 days, then I got sick again December 27th, and since then have had a sore throat and just today I vomited, very random I thought. I felt fine before then suddenly nauseous and now I am exhausted. Yes I still want to continue to read because I needed to come here to journal tonight.

– no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).” 

Why was he lying do you think? Do you think he knew why he was wanting to hurt me? I am not sure he was aware as to why he wanted to cause harm.

” her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.”

I agree with this about my mom. I fear her third eye has been closed most of her life and usually is. She is more like my brother, but less extreme, it would not shock me if she did the same thing as my brother. She even told me she wanted to (eye roll) but said very directly that would cause me harm. She does things that she thinks is right all the time, that were only clearly her heart and sacral.

“to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.”

I think what you said here is important for me to hear, I need to learn to be ok with this lonely feeling. Because if the only option to not feel alone in certain situations is to close that eye and crown, I don’t want to do it. I do often feel this loneliness in the midst of groups of people, less and less as I get older but I used to ache at this feeling and want to be like everyone else but as I have been learning, I want to continue to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than closing up. Because it is only if I stay open that I might find others like me, I believe.

“– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.”

How was this satisfying to him, or was he just too weak to end it himself.

“- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man clearly…”

Then imagine her asking the man why his eye isn’t open, and he replies, annoyed, “you didn’t enjoy our time together I thought it was so nice?” And she replies “no it was nice… I just didn’t feel connected” and he says nothing. This is a true story.

“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.”

Oh wow this is a good point.

I will read and reply to your next post in a separate box

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you. ..  there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating”

It is occurring to me now that him wanting me to feel pain is not unfamiliar. In the sense of the example of the c-word incident, he was trying to get me to feel pain. When he asked me if I had money to help him buy a trailer, hours after he saw my bank account and that I was struggling financially, he wanted me to feel that pain. All those times he later said “oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,” all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain, because what other reason could he have for all those things? I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him. I told him everything I did or didn’t up front, intentionally avoiding passive aggression in our relationship, something I so wanted to avoid after seeing it in so many relationships around me. I will let this question sit in my mind right now “did I ever intentionally cause him pain?” But for now will proceed with the fact I do not believe it did this intentionally, certainly never maliciously as he did that night with the C-word, or the money with the trailer. My point is though that me harming him was unfamiliar to him, and my ending the relationship was really the first time I knew I was hurting him and continued. I wonder how this affected him, he was very likely surprised at what I was doing cause our entire relationship I have demonstrated who I am which is someone who cares very deeply about my feelings and those around me, going out of my way to avoid both. You know, we were on the topic of hurting each other once, like speaking as to why cheating would never be involved in our relationship, and breaking up wasn’t mentioned but it was insinuated, when he said “you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.” I remember thinking in that moment that I felt like he was pretty much saying underneath ‘you would never break up with me because it would hurt me.’ This comment and he made another one more recently where he said something along the lines of it being ‘we can figure anything out, like we’ve been together two years we aren’t giving up now.’ it wasn’t those exact words but it was very close and that is what I heard anyways. Anyways, me doing something that we both knew hurt him in some way, was a surprise to us both, more so him. He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right? The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination? He can never hurt me with his little blockings and such, nearly as much as I already got used to inside of the relationship, whereas I actually have more power in the hurting department because it is unfamiliar coming from me to him. I say I have more pain inflicting power but at the same time I am not sure completely how, not sure what I could say that would cause him pain, or perhaps I am wrong… as he is a teflon. Then the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup, for some reason I want this to be true.

“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.”

Answering my question above, this statement says alot of the whole relationship. “each wants the other to feel pain…but he cause[d] you pain, you didn’t...”

“from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra,”

This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me.. I said this more than once to him but the time I remember was right after the cash incident on Thanksgiving, after we were finished with a yoga class (a vibrational lifter) and on a happy holiday (a potential vibrational lifter) and then in the store he comes to investigate me and come at me with his cash questions and accusations. Then walking back to my car I remember why I have the cash and tell him “I remember but you do not need to know you can trust me.” He still had an attitude to that, treating me as though I was suspicious and untrustworthy. We got into the car and I realized all the things around us, the yoga, the holiday, all things raising my vibrations while he was down in the depths and I said “You just have such bad vibes sometimes” I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me.’

“he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!”

True. However he did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety, and never came across high, there were times I didn’t even know. Infact it was not until I lived with him that I saw how much, that almost every date he hit at least something before coming out. I felt betrayed when I first realized how he was constantly high, cause he didn’t seem it at all, his body is so used to it that he is very normal on it, infact I did not recognize him sober… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief. I have a lot of patience but his sober self caused me to run out sometimes, I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me. He claimed it prevented him from having dreams, later I understood that meant “thoughts and feelings.” more teflon. So anyways, when he said he would take better care of himself I was very on board with that and though that meant he would begin to be introspective, finally! but then I brought up the cash and c-word incident and he still couldn’t apologize, so then no he couldn’t be introspective? I do recall him saying he would take better care of himself so that he could be better in the relationship, but I don’t think this changes anything. This is what I meant when I said he would give crumbs that he could grown and learn.

“You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.”

Feels true.

“- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).”

I think you are right, it can be a reason. But the reason it won’t is because I can’t trust, that even if I fly back and he promises all the change in the world and maybe even seems like he can see me, I don’t trust that it wouldn’t go right back to the way it was after a matter of time. I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change, this is hard to admit because I feel stupid that I think that because all the evidence says he can’t. But as you said I did in the relationship, “You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you” I am still this way. I have this imagination, this darn imagination that is wonderful but also let’s me see things that will never happen, and I can almost feel them too. I do not feed into it, because it feels stupid and unhelpful but I have to admit a very very small little sapling of an imagination that he could self actualize. There is so much evidence to the contrary that I don’t allow myself to put energy to that imagination, because it is as likely as my other imaginations, of flying! it is there but it also doesn’t bring me peace to feed into, it brings me bad feelings. I like to imagine things that bring me joy, so there is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again.

“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..”

I am fairly certain I am the only one he told because the story was very humiliating and incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable for him to share. He brought it up one morning when we were in bed because I could see his mind trail off and I asked him what was on his mind. He said for some reason this memory had been in his head and he’s avoided telling me but felt telling me was the only way to stop it from coming to him, he said he felt like he was suppose to tell me. Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship. Also after he told me he had emotions I could see and feel were very real, I could tell he was angry and wanted to run away in that moment and felt disgusted. I asked him what he was feeling and that is what he said, he said “honestly I want to run away.” which also aligns with his inability to sit and be vulnerable or deep for long periods of time, I often felt the energy from him that he wanted to leave the space immediately after a certain point. But you are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here, and if he wasn’t then I am a complete fool and don’t have the perceptive skills I thought I did.

” “why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…? “

He didn’t want to. I feel like there were moments where I inspired him to try, for example with learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within to the other parts of yourself that need attention. This was when we were at that cabin for his friends wedding, when I panicked about my outfit and he comforted me…we felt so close during that trip… (a good memory that contributes to the guilt that I ended it harshly) the last morning we were there was the perfect environment for a potential deep conversation. Like I said before they were few in our relationship but the moments he was more likely to open up a little bit, I could feel it. Being out in the middle of nowhere helped him open up a little, we sat on the doc and talked about our inner child. I related it to football and how his coaches pretty much told him to cage his, I told him about letting them out of the cage and he was responding with “ah” that he hadn’t heard it before and it didn’t sound wrong. But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation.

“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?”

This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I have not yet read your last reply but I journaled last night and this morning and I am going to paste it here.

Last night I found out he did in fact block me. I had to go on Instagram to find an overnight oat recipe that I wanted to make. However I have the app deleted on my phone because I don’t want myself to see N’s profile or anything that reminds me of him, so I re-downloaded it for the recipe. He deleted the picture of us that he posted, the only picture he even posted of us, calling me his dream. Since he had the service to delete this picture he clearly is within cell service and my message didn’t send because I am in fact blocked, This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following.

Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches.

Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me. The opposite of him with a girl feels disgusting to me and disrespectful. I doubt it is what he is doing though. I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before. I want him to be alone. I wish he would see his faults in the relationship and how he could have treated me better, but I don’t care as much for that as I do that he is in pain and homesick just like me. And that he is agonizing lonely and that he misses me.

I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates and we had moments of disconnect and I halted trusting him before then… So that is not what justified his behavior, he would have been that with even with the respect he possibly had before February and march.

I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house. But he has to know that right? What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding. Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times. He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me. The way he said the c word at my face, basically telling me I should be stronger than to let a word bother me, He was quite literally annoyed with me for being bothered. Why was he so annoyed, it had to of been because it had happened too many times before and he wasn’t saying it in those moments and it built up to this moment of saying the c word again and again, affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you. I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself, cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways. But the problem was still that even in that dinner, a place where we were setting the pace for vulnerability, something I did feel he put effort into, however only very rarely. A place of vulnerability where I again brought up the hurt it brought me when he said that word to me and how he treated me on thanksgiving with the money at the store, the problem is he still never apologized. I even gave him a third time to apologize at the actual time of the breakup and he still couldn’t.

There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right? But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us

-Our camping trips

-our road trips where we went on adventures together

-The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me

-That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues

-When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone.

-When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled

– When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions.

-When we worked together on something, like the planter box we made and painted together

-How much I missed him while he was away on his ski trip for 3 weeks last year.

-How many things we did get through and at the end felt so bonded, like when his car broke down and he was under the car to try to fix it and when he finally came up he looked so defeated, oil in his hair and his cute little face as I grabbed him to comfort him. On that trip he often offered to get me a hotel while he fixed everything, but I always refused because I felt that was a battle I needed to fight with him, and how that meant so much to him, I could see it in his eyes “someone who isn’t gonna leave me when it gets hard”

But I did, I left, because it was too hard to make him see me and I gave up on the possibility. Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon? My mind hadn’t rested in over 8 months though, and he still couldn’t see how his behavior affected me.. I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger. jI am just angry he could not fix himself for me. Because we would have been so much stronger if he was able to see how I was growing myself and decided to follow, again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me. If he followed me and decided to look within as well we could have been so strong why couldn’t he do it?? He instead let me grow alone, but didn’t even see it and doubted me.

This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime. But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… like I feel guilty for letting the guilt go. I broke up with the person that is all the things I listed above, and yes the bad parts too, but the guilt comes from how I left that person (the list of good memories). He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him? I was thinking about him. If he was a really sensitive emotional person I would have handled the breakup different and tried to be softer, but if I was soft with n he would have seen that as I wasn’t sure. He would have tried to comfort me, OR WORSE he would have rolled his eyes and left me like that. Maybe I didn’t do it for him, maybe I did it for me, because I didn’t trust his behavior enough to be vulnerable. But I miss him. But I don’t want him back. I want his ghost to sit next to me and comfort me, The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me? With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right? I would rather him be sad than angry. Because angry means he hates me, but he should hate his behavior, not me. How is it possible that he doesn’t regret

-saying the c word at my face multiple times

-coming at me about my money with his bad energy and on thanksgiving morning!

-Telling me I waste my time thinking about things that don’t matter

-When I would tell him we weren’t connecting he would just tell me I was wrong or that it was my problem not his, although I doubt he thinks any differently now about this

-He must see that he did not treat me as though he could, he could have been so much softer and sweeter and considerate of my feelings

-He could have been on time to dates, especially ones that mattered extra like my mom’s visit

-He could of tried to show excitement about seeing my family rather than acting like it was a chore and worried he would be bored… he literally told me he would rather go skiing alone.

-He could have tried to engage with me in the deep conversations, sat with me when we entered a vulnerable place and stayed there cause he knew it meant the world to me for him to be vulnerable, I literally needed so much less than I should have accepted and he couldn’t even do that for me

I wish I could erase him from my mind.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“This is an unexpected development, isn’t it, that the blood work came back inconclusive for cancer. It makes sense to have an MRI as soon as possible (today, tomorrow?) and if the result is a definite no-cancer, then remove the benign tumor alone. If there is cancer, then remove the whole ovary.”

Yes it was unexpected. This morning I decided to postpone the surgery so that I can get the imaging done first, because I want to preserve as much of the ovary as possible. I am a bit in thought/introspective and a little disapointed about how I was looking forward to getting it finally out and now I have to wait longer, also medical bills of an mri, but I think it was the best decision. I am proud of myself for choosing the patient option rather than just wanted to get it over with, an easier in the moment choice.

“* I wonder if a 2nd blood work is a good idea?”

So I said “inconclusive” because it was in a way, but not that doing it again would change anything. There is some sort of point system, that is confusing, but apparently there is only risk if your blood scores over a 5 and mine was 5.1. So my surgeon said she is 99% sure it is benign, but because it scored over 5, they have a certain procedure to follow.

“I just read about symptoms of estrogen deficiency in women. We don’t want hatchling to be moody, irritable or depressed, having hot flashes and night sweats.”

Exactly, I made the right decision for me 🙂 I read alot of studies one women having one ovary compared to two, and apparently there are only slight differences, such as one year earlier to menopause, which doesn’t concern me much. What concerns me is there not being enough research as far as all the functions estrogen has, not only in the reproductive system, but in cognitive function. Women with less estrogen are slightly more likely to have cognitive deficiencies with age, such as dementia. I have to accept that even if it is benign and she can try to preserve some of the ovary, the tumor is 15cm, which is considered very large and I will likely lose alot of it anyways, but hopefully not all! I will keep you updated as I find things out 🙂

“in the last sentence of your original post of this thread, Oct 6: “the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“, your higher self being your crown chakra, and your inner voice being its wisdom vibrating through you.”

Thank you for reminding me of my last sentence of my original post! It still resonates with me, and I do feel it is very true.

“It led me to a quote that resonated with me and said ‘I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.’“- it’s like I said those words, substituting type for write. ”

-Exactly me too haha, typing is better for me cause I can do it faster and more of it, writing tires my wrists faster haha.

“(2) The thought that he blocked your message, if he did, annoys me,”

It annoys me too, and it also reminds me of his immaturity as well as is teflon… by blocking my number he is literally trying to spray his heart with teflon.. I wonder the affects of this for him.

“(5)  Your boredom, desire for drama and excitement, is about having a non-vibrating/ blocked sacral chakra. One way to get it to vibrate is to get engaged in a creative activity (acting in a play would’ve been great).”

It is interesting you bring this up, because just yesterday I was feeling like my sacral chakra needed an outlet, so I went and did a workout. I thought perhaps I could use this energy to get me to the gym? Because I think a main way my sacral energy can be expressed is when I feel good about myself, when I feel healthy and in my body, which working out does do for me. It is interesting that you bring up creative activity as vibrating the sacral needs, because recently I have not felt very artistically motivated or inspired, but this is also because of that lack of energy I brought up in my last post.

“Sex in a new relationship, a relationship approved by a board meeting of all chakras, headed by the crown chakra, is what I recommend for you!”

“A board meeting of all chakras” made me laugh haha, but it is true! headed by the crown chakra! I don’t feel all my chakras are united right now, which would make picking a sexual partner difficult. For example from my post last night it seems clear that my sacral and heart have different desires than my crown. I know little about the other chakras. My heart is not ready to be with another person though, I feel like I would have flashes of N at this point and it would have the potential to satisfy the sacral and crown while harming the heart. I need an activity that my crown agrees will simultaneously satisfy my heart and sacral chakra. Working out though, I don’t think my heart cares for that, I think that activity satisfies crown, sacral and probably root chakra in that it makes me feel grounded in my body.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“exactly my understanding: it’s a useful metaphor that helps us understand how we operate and function. I am glad you re-introduced it to me as I find it very useful, thank you!…- I still feel it’s an excellent metaphor and I like using it. Is it okay with you if I use it in your thread as a metaphor?”

You are welcome I am glad you find it useful too and I don’t mind using the metaphor in our thread.

“- confusing only to those with a low vibrational IQ “

I found it interesting that you wrote about “low vibrational IQ” when speaking about N’s IQ was something I wanted to get to.

“(2) He didn’t find conversation a bonding activity means that he finds conversation undesirable or boring or threatening. “

I feel like he found conversation ALL of those things. Sometimes he would be defensive (threatened) other times he would just tell me he couldn’t focus and needed to be doing something in order to listen… (bored) but this was interesting cause he claimed he listened better if he was moving around, but I can’t have a deep conversation with someone dancing around, cause how can they possibly hear you? and understand without eye contact? This frustrated me. He definitely did not desire conversation as we do.

“Imagine that deep, intimate conversations are more scary, in his mind and heart, than real-life danger!”

Sounds terrible, and is so not relatable since I find conversation a highlight of life.

I am not sure if it the sickness I had a couple weeks ago or what exactly, but I have been really tired lately. The smallest tasks are daunting as far as energy, and I have been sleeping longer hours. I want my energy back so that I can give it to myself and do the things that make me happy. Tomorrow I have a surgery, it should be outpatient, as long as there are no complications. I have a benign ovarian tumor that has gotten very big and needs to be removed, so this will take more of my energy as well. I have a lot of goals that I want to set myself on the trajectory for such as vibrational health, I have a feeling it has to do with spending more time getting to know my deepest self. I am not sure exactly how to do this, but I am sure there are things that do not lead to it, such as watching tv, something I have been doing alot in the evenings to occupy my mind. I wonder if it is better for me to have no tv or music on in the background as I do things, such as cleaning, eating, getting ready. I think I believe that the only one in the way of my happiness is me, and I want to gain the strength to stop doing the things that prevent me from my potential to bring light to this world. I want to be more in my body, more aware of my thoughts, feelings and needs. From what I have read online and in books is that getting to know yourself starts with doing things you love, but as I said before my energy has been low and I feel like there are things I want to do that I don’t have the energy for…

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I was going back to re-read the message I just sent to further ponder on what came out of me just now. But this time I as I was re-reading I was stopped at something from your reply “his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra”

-This really is what it was that I could see so clearly, yet not clear enough. In my very first post on here on July 29th 2023, I phrased this concept as:

“N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all”

“My flirtation is lost on him”

“I would not say we have the best chemistry”

“N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments I feel so so lonely..:/ ”

“sometimes I wish he was just there and wanted to be deep and have long deep spiritual conversations where we tap into our higher selves together and feed eachothers souls!”

“I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time”

“we have had sooo many conversations and its like he does change things but not how I feel I need?”

-In all of these phrases I was trying to express how I felt “these small disconnects,” the war between “his Teflon MO vs [my] open crown chakra.” It was hard to describe the disconnection, where I would say something very relevant to the current situation, whether it was a joke or spiritual deep comment or even relevant flirtation, and he could not see the connection I was making. I have not said what I am about to say here yet or even out loud because I feel like it is mean and/or blaming him, which I feel guilty to do… but when he could not see the relevant connections I was making I wondered where his intelligence was in general.. This is hard to describe, but you know when your mind/brain makes a connection, it is sometimes called wit or banter, and sometimes very personal so not everyone would understand, but other times the connection is psychological/historical/philosophical..etc. Like you recognize something happening now that has happened before, I would make a comment like this and N would rarely understand what I was saying or what connection I was making. It made me feel alone. It’s like I would say things out of my open crown chakra and it’s like it would just fall off him, he didn’t get it, he was disconnected in a way, out of touch or maybe lacked the intelligence? to understand.

Seaturtle