Dear Anita,

I’d like to preface this message by journaling my current feelings. In order to prepare to go out with my friends tonight, I let myself sleep in as much as possible this morning, until noon! It felt nice, I woke up quiet and peaceful, but lying in bed awake it was not long before missing N occurred again, the uninvited good memories. I decided that meant it was time to get out of bed, I cleaned a bit and did a neck and shoulder yoga, as I felt tight in my neck. This day is very nostalgic, I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck. The drive was from Seattle to Las Vegas, where he went to college and had friends, whom I liked to spend time with as well. Through the obstacles of the trip we bonded. There was a moment we weren’t sure if we would make it by new years eve, but we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope.. it was one of the highlights of the relationship, that trip. We met each-others friends and all felt like it fit like a glove. This morning I feel like I am in a medium vibration, the sadness is bringing me down but the memories are happy.. I just miss the friend I had in N and it is actually the first holiday that we spent together both years, that I am not seeing him. What I mean is, we never actually spent christmas day together, the first one we spent before Christmas, the first time I told him I loved him. The second christmas he visited my family after. But thanksgiving, new years, halloween and valentines day, were days we spent together, so this new years is the first holiday tradition without him. It is like his ghost is here (this made tears come to my eyes). Anyways this is the version of Seaturtle who is responding today.

You wrote, “In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.” I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?

You wrote ” – (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.”

-I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways, and I know I am a curious person who wants to learn and be better, something N lacks. However, as far as human sociology/psychology goes, why am I more capable of change than him?

” There is always something good underneath any feeling…your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.”

This makes me hopeful but this “good” thing underneath my feelings, my desire to be seen, doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe that isn’t the goal. I just want to feel hopeful but as much as my HVI believes there is someone out there that will see me in a relationship, I have a helpless voice that tells me there isn’t, this is why I have no desire to go out to clubs and what not cause there is no one there that could see me, or a very low odds, so it makes me feel hopeless. The block party shouldn’t be this way but maybe that is a reason I fear it, although my roommate is at a similar state to me she said she only wants a drink or two, and the people we are going out with is a more mature crowd she met recently.

“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.”

Actually by the time I was getting to bed I forgot about the video! sad.

“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!”

I wonder how I can sooth these chakras.. I will look it up.

“What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.”

So then he will continue the self fulfilling prophecy that he is not enough?

You wrote “– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.”

It is interesting you phrase it this way “I am addressing your crown chakra,” I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you. You are right, as much fun as NYE was, the new years did not bring me peace.

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

You wrote  “Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.”

-I needed this reminder

“Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.”

“Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?”

Yes, I am sorry it is later than morning and hope to hear from you today,  but yes I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night.

Happy New Year’s Eve Anita!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

When I told you about my dad being selfish with his time and denying that he deserved to take any responsibility, you wrote “His explanation that he was under the impression that you were free only in the morning reads like something he came up with after your conformation, so to (retroactively) excuse why he didn’t keep his word to you, or why he misled you.” Your response does resonate with me, that he did come up with his explanation after, and I believe it was this “searching for what to say” expression on his face, that caused me to just let it go, because when I see that face of “searching for what to say,” to me, what is coming out of their mouth is not authentic so there is no longer a point to continue the conversation, instead I need to just accept what it is.

And yes I am glad too! That he helped me financially.

You wrote “if you regain that hope.. you may fall back in-love with him.” I agree with this wholeheartedly. It is the one hole in my confidence about ending this with him, I keep filling the hole with why we broke up and what I deserve in the future, but it feels like this hole is a bottomless pit, as I keep having to fill it! The hard part is it needs to be filled in my weakest moments, as I am about to fall asleep, when I am alone.

“Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!“- back at you again (smile, Sun 9:30 am)

-we could continue to pass this smile back and forth hahaha

“But there are women who will be okay with a superficial relationship, or women who will compromise their deeper needs.”

-Not sure if it is even productive for me to be thinking about this but I have. I predict he will more likely end up with the former, a superficial relationship. Because I think he will likely shy away from someone like me, with deeper needs, since he probably won’t trust her not to end it eventually. But that superficial relationship will leave a hole in his heart, where he will remember me and he will have to fill that hole with how I never would have been fully happy with him (in his words probably that I don’t love him for who he is, with lack of change). He would need to change for a deeper relationship to be possible, but if he was going to change he would have done it for me, I don’t see why he would change for someone else… (my fear.. but a fear I am feeling shame about right now)

“I wonder if you look like her, dark hair and eyes.. and so majestic”

I do have darker features similar to hers actually 😉

“The music is lovely. The words: “..once you told me/ If something’s missing in me/ To go and find it in you“- you wanted to find it in N, a deeper connection, one where he’d SEE you and the missing part of you… but he refused.”

-I like your analysis and agree here.

” “If I’m not here for me/ She will be there“- I don’t understand this part..? ”

-This is actually my favorite line! to me, “She” means Seaturtle. Hatchling says “If I’m not here for me, Seaturtle will be there for me” 🙂

“Look how you found me/ Searching for messages from you“- searching from messages from her, the girl you were, (the girl I was.. the boy that N was), so to become more whole, so to become high vibrational people.”

-An interesting fact is most/if not all of this artists songs were written out of the pain of a hard breakup! N found me looking for messages from him. “Look how you found me/  A broken part enough for two/ For me and you
(I love this part, “a broken heart enough for two,” I had a strong enough heart to share, until I couldn’t anymore…)

I wish I was her for good…Messages from her/ Messages to her (what it is really about and what I will always come back to and now, I hope to stay now that I am aware of her).

I watched a portion of your Christmas present, thank you 🙂 It is beautiful! It almost put me to sleep haha, I will use it when I need to wind down and maybe to go to sleep tonight! I like to pretend I am a seaturtle swimming, seeing all the beauty under there.

I missed you too Anita, I am excited to be back and continue this journey and get back to journaling here 🙂

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your compliment, it makes me feel validated that you see me and that I am growing!

“- keep your crown chakra as open as it is now, and you will avoid CB (Chakra Blocking) situations.”

-I am certainly striving for this openness and seeking ways to do so.

“– You felt at that time, for the first time, that he was careless with you. A bad trip .. could have been the totality of a lifetime with him being a bad trip…”

-When I read this it was scary because it feels true.

“In regard to seeking a Buddhist community, you wrote: “I do think that I should and will“- try with n open crown chakra.”

-I will be very intentional when I try out a Buddhist community, is there a specific reason it would be more beneficial with an open crown chakra?

“Nobody is at their top performance at all times, that’s for sure, so a seeing man will be blind at times. Look for patterns and overall seeing-ness.”

-This is helpful. Just this morning during my meditation I was asking for guidance to tell the difference between someone who is capable of seeing versus someone who is not, that appears as if they can be taught.

“– a very interesting family. Don’t try to change either part of the family: enjoy philosophy with your father’s side, and empathy, with your mother’s side. Don’t try to get your deeper needs met by any side of the family, is my strong advice. Enjoy the companionship, food and conversations. Merry Christmas!”

-Thank you for the advice I will appreciate both sides for who they are and not expect more.

-By the way, I ended up having breakfast with my dad yesterday and it went well. Although first of all he did an out of touch thing, that he often does, where he schedules something over the time with you and then needs to leave early and you ask why and he makes it like you miscommunicated. He said he had the whole day friday to do something with me then suddenly the night before he said “so I am up for anything I just have a golf round at noon.” I was frustrated and told my sister and my little sister said he did the same to her last weekend, said he would do something with her, then he canceled and went and did that thing with his girlfriend instead! I confronted him a little and asked “were these noon plans planned recently?” and he said yes and that he was under the impression I was only free in the morning, which is not exactly what was said but worked for him to believe. Instead of more confrontation I just decided to accept he was too out of touch/unaware to see his selfishness.

-We enjoyed our breakfast together and had nice conversation, it was deep and insightful about certain topics. Then I told him about my financial issues and he gave me the money I needed for rent and a medical bill, as a gift! with no payment plan back, he has never given without those strings before.

“N will use your false guilt to your disadvantage. This part of you that wants to make amends to N may lead to your destruction.”

-I will keep this in mind. Also interesting, I have had several dreams about N, and in every one we try to be friends and it always left me with some sort of negativity, I think my dreams are telling me something. And you are right that I cannot change what is happening in his family.

You quoted me: There is a huge part of him that wants to be loved, his mom did not show much affection and his dad was aloof. I want him to be loved…”– (1) Hope can reawaken, (2) As you reach your hand to him (with caring, loving intentions).. he may  cut it off.

-What do you mean by hope can reawaken? When the voice of doubt, of my decision to leave N, comes I am able to reason it away every time. I either think of what I do wish for in a partner that was not in N, or I think about those moments N shut down my feelings or attempts to bond with him deeper. One of these voices of doubt is that N will self actualize and become the man I needed him to be.. is this what you mean by hhope can reawaken?

“- yes, reading this had just brought a smile to my face for the first time today (and it’s almost noon!)”

-Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!

“– if your only or main chakra was the sacral chakra (the chakra associated with sexual energy, from what I read), then a highly vibrated sacral chakra would have made you the happiest woman in the world.”

-Does a woman like this exist? is this who N will find as his partner?

“(1)Watch that addiction to N. This addiction is not gone for good. It can awaken in a circumstance such as sitting besides him during a plane flight,”

-My trip home so far has certainly made me feel things that I did not predict. Soemthing actually my dad told me a long time ago that holds very true “you can predict and plan alot of things but one thing you cannot predict is how you will feel.”

-First, feeling sad/disapointed he was not at the gate at the airport, this feeling surprised me, but thankfully I was distrcated by some conflict on the airplane, then I went into my own space and when I landed I had breakfast with my Oma (grandma in German). It was her first time hearing about why the breakup happened, and I stepped in to my strength again speaking about it.

-Second, The evening. Since he was planned to be on this trip there have been moments where I am enjoying it with my sisters completely, but then I get this dose of wondering how much more comfortable I would feel if he was there to. It has continued every night I have been here.

-Third, before my breakfast with my dad where he gave me the money I needed to feel safe, whenever I was anxious about money I would miss N, not because he would pay for things, there is no way I would have let him pay my rent. I just missed him saying “it will all be okay just enjoy your time with your family, we will figure it out.” As I am typing I realize the answer is for me to say that to myself… there is just a lonely feeling associated without him.

-Fourth, when we are having fun. Whenever my sibblings (with hometown friends/cousins) and I are having the most fun, I find myself wishing N was here to experince the joy.

I will create a new email address for this platform to be extra safe, I will likely get to it after this trip if that is ok with you.

I wonder how you liked the song/music video?

Merry Christmas!

I hope my inconsistent messages are not causing you stress?

Seaturtle

One 0f my very favorite songs, and music videos is called “messages from her” by -Sabrina Claudio, I think you might enjoy it Anita. It is playing on my youtube tv right now!

Dear Anita,

“As I am re-reading about how you felt living with N, I am thinking this morning: there really is no (good/ healthy) reason for you to place yourself in that situation again, for crying out loud!”

-I know right. I only hope that I am able to gain the wisdom, insight and foresight, to avoid situations like this. If I ended the relationship any earlier than I did, I believe I still would have had doubts and questions. But it truly took me two years to see, which is the scary part. Although I feel like we were meant to meet and grow together, the first year we were together, it wasn’t until the end of year one that I had my first doubt that something didn’t feel right. I remember it too. We had been together actually, only 5 months I believe. And on a whim we decided to try shrooms together. Something he had done before but was my first time. It was a bad trip, until the very end was sort of fun. Anyways after that experience I began to have my first feelings of doubt that I could trust him. I despised the thoughts because I did not want them, I wanted him to be it. So I told myself it was unfair of me to not trust him since we had a bad experience, just because he had done it before didn’t mean it was his fault or that he knew, I should have done my own research to know how much to take, cause that was the problem we took too much. But I remember feeling like I wished he had put more care and planning into such a vulnerable space he was taking me to. He was careless with my spirituality, and that is what the voices of doubt were trying to tell me… realizing this now.

I am going to respond to the rest of your post in a separate box and let this be by itself, fill free to respond before I reply to the rest.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“- you mean quitting both N’s is a small price to pay for Chakra Opening (CO), right?”

Yes.

You quoted me: “This reminds me of… a phrase from a poem Megan wrote ‘I will always be in the love with the man you will never become,’”- so she will… never be in love with the man he is.

-Precisely, and I fell out of love with the man who did not want to grow with me and instead wanted to question my growth and hold me back  from it.

“- almost everyone has potential for a higher vibrational self. Not just that man, not just N. It’s just that you happened to see it in N. But the potential may have a very low probability to materialize.”

-Anita, do you think any two man and woman at their high vibrational selves can fall in love? Or that there is a special, maybe a few in a lifetime, special match for each of us. A match that many times, and I personally think, we never meet if we don’t meet our own high self.. what do you think of this?

You quoted me: “I tried to raise his vibration, but instead mine was lowered”- relationships should be Win-Win, but it has been a Lose for you.

-I feel like if/when we do run into each other he will see this. If he ran in to me today he would see it, I am lighter without him. Even my literal physical skin has cleared since moving out and then ending the relationship. I was starting to break out for the first time in my life, and yes I learned new things about the new state I am living in and made some changes, but I know the relationship was having a toll on my physical body.

“Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations, and therefore made me even more incompatible with N. wow I just realized this as I wrote it.”- Wow…! This is very special; it will take me time to absorb this…!

– 🙂

““The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person. So far, I have been the one sharing my vibrations and insights with others, but I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me”- reads good. By the way, I can imagine you and I meeting in real-life. I don’t want to mention locations (and please don’t mention such yourself), but I think that we’re geographically close.”

This made me light up when I read it! Anita I would absolutely love to meet you.

Happy Seaturtle

“– You said it. So the question is to be you or to be only a small part of you, because the price to pay for a life with N is that a huge part of you will be caged, not allowed to be.”

You wrote: Put in another way, the price for a life with N is blocked chakras. From mind valley. com: “Your chakras can be blocked by life challenges. It can manifest as something physical (like a never-ending migraine) or even emotional (like self-doubt). Here are a few more blocked chakra symptoms that are telltale signs you need to open your chakras: * Difficulty sleeping * Difficulty concentrating * Chronic depression or anxiety * Mood swings * Trouble communicating * Difficulty connecting with others * Feeling ‘stuck’”-

“– How many of these symptoms did you experience while living with N?”

All of them. I constantly had bad dreams, I had a short capacity for concentration on anything other than our relationship, I felt anxious about him hurting my feelings (like being late or not understanding me), I felt depressed that I thought I should be happy and I didn’t know why I wasn’t! My moods would swing, one day I would feel anxious about us and how we were going to spend our time together because I so badly wanted to connect, then other days I found an inner strength and just went with the flow. I would freeze up when trying to express myself, not because I don’t know how but because I would be repeating the same thing for the nth time and freeze to wonder how else I could phrase it so he would understand how something made me feel or why I thought a certain way (try to take his mask off). I constantly felt “stuck” so much so that I started to think that was normal and it became a familiar feeling.

You wrote: The source continues to list the seven chakras and the symptoms of blockage for each chakra. Here are a few symptoms of a blocked chakras that (I think) you experienced with N: “Feeling you are not good enough the way you are” (a blocked Root chakra), “The distrust that you can be loved for being you” (a blocked Sacral chakra), “Giving your power away to others as you feel this is necessary to keep peace in relationships (a blocked Solar plexus chakra),  “Fear of commitment and feeling like you have to please others to be loved” ( a blocked Heart chakra), “Frustration because you don’t feel that other people hear what you have to say” (a blocked Throat chakra), “Disconnect from your intuition” (“Telling the difference between gut and fear“!), a blocked Third eye chakra.

-This is all right.

You wrote: In regard to a blocked Crown chakra, I can imagine you experiencing these symptoms if you resume the relationship with N long term: “* Loneliness, insignificance, and aimlessness *A strong attachment to material possessions and achievements (and define yourself according to them) and a disconnect from the spiritual side of life *A lack of connection or guidance from a higher power * Feeling unworthy of spiritual help and angry that your higher power has abandoned you“.

-I agree and this is what I feel whenever I begin to second guess my decision. That is how I knew I was ready to break up with N, because, similar to when I tried nicotine, the two N’s (lol) felt good for a minute but then they harmed my spirit, the essence of who I am. I have such a deep desire to hear my inner spirit guides and act in alignment with my highest self, that these N’s were a small price to pay to have such clarity within myself.

you wrote: Back to your yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about N: “What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you”, and you asked: “is this the Teflon?“. My answer: yes. Like Teflon rejecting oil, N rejects anything you say that doesn’t feel good to him.. before he lets it in for consideration.

-This reminds me of a recent interview; Drew Barrymore, interviewed Megan Fox. And at one segment Drew asked Megan about a phrase from a poem Megan wrote “I will always be in the love with the man you will never become,” She articulated so well that she has been in love with someone who was stuck at their lower vibrational self, but that she could see his potential, however she had to leave the relationship. I feel this way with N. His higher vibrational self would be a perfect match for mine, which is so heartbreaking. I tried to raise his vibration, but instead mine was lowered. Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations, and therefore made me even more incompatible with N. wow I just realized this as I wrote it.

The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person. So far I have been the one sharing my vibrations and insights with others, but I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me.

You wrote: In regard to the shark/ sea turtle imagery, you asked: “Why do we miss things that harmed us? just because of familiarity?“-  I’ll answer with an example from my life: I’ve known this woman in real life who is routinely critical and rude to me and to others (that’s her MO). Thing is, I like her very much and for the longest time, I tried to please her, to get her to like me back. Why? Because when I was very young, I tried to make another critical and rude (to me) person to like me back: my mother. The woman sort of reminded me of my mother back at a time when I very much loved my mother and tried to get her to love me back.

-Interesting. So it’s the dynamic of someone having expectations for me, and my desire to complete them and win their love. I need to be careful of this dynamic, but this is the one with my father. A dynamic with someone like my mom would be more like over-coddling and wanting to nurture them…although I almost feel like both of these dynamics were involved in my relationship with N.

You wrote “– The Teflon mind rejects X (something you say) before it considers it. ” and I remember the sensation I felt when I wanted to bring something up, but had an inkling that he would not like it, I felt I was on egg shells all the sudden. But (same as F) when I tried to tell N I was on eggshells he thought that was ridiculous. Both N and F think they are very approachable, but in fact they are the opposite. Because if what you approach them with falls outside of their logic, then it is hard to get them to understand. However I think my dad has possibly expanded his ability to see…

So when I arrived in Portland last weekend, my dad picked me up from the airport. Something that seems like an obvious jester but for my dad is a big deal, the fact he never asked me to get an Uber was surprising to me and my sister and mom when I told them. He often takes convenience for himself over showing affection or kindness to others. Anyways, I was nervous to tell him about N, and not sure how detailed I wanted to be. I was afraid that the traits I was leaving N for, were too similar to F for him to see what was wrong with the behavior. He took me home and made me breakfast. About 30 minutes after being home he asked me “how’s N?” this was the moment I was waiting for to naturally say “We aren’t together anymore.” My dads face was blank and shocked for about 30 seconds before he even said “wow.” I began to tell him why and I started by saying he just wasn’t honest with himself. Still unsure about how much I wanted to tell F, I based how much on his understanding. I went on to say we would have arguments then we would get home and I would want to resolve them and he would act like nothing happened, my dad was listening, so I went on. I told him about the cash situation and the c-word situation. I felt energized by the conversation, and I went on to the deeper reasons, I talked about how I had been doubting the relationship for a long time, I talked about this forum and you Anita :). I told him what I told you when I said “you know how you can tell someone something, and if they aren’t ready to hear it they won’t? Well this was my higher self to me this year, I knew it but wasn’t ready to hear it and it took until the cash and c-word incident for me to see that this relationship was only holding me back from the growth I wanted in my life.” My dad listened and responded, asked questions. He asked me if it was ok for him to ask me about his relationship, I assume since he saw that I was able to see things clearly in my relationship, maybe I could help him. He spoke about how his gf L, has two little boys that he does not want to be a father to and that he has told L, but she still wants to be with him, yet she also expresses that she wants security in marriage, but that he would not want to move in till her little boys were old enough. I was very open with him and pretty much said if he wasn’t accepting of her kids then he didn’t accept all of her so that was not true love. He could see this but was clearly not ready to end the relationship. He kept saying that the ball was in her court, but knowing my dad I knew he was probably emotionally manipulating her to stay and giving her some false sense of security, but I didn’t tell him this at this time.

Our conversation sort of ended there because my little sister wanted me to come talk to her while she got ready for her dance performance. Once I got back home on Sunday, I texted my dad later that evening

“I have been thinking about what we’ve talked about and you may not want to hear this (do not read until monday lol) But I woke up with some clarity, that’s; if you love L, then what she needs is either you to fully commit (kids and all) or let her go (so she can find someone who will, because she cans till find that as it stands now). You keeping her on the hook is selfish of you (I am not judging you, I know this feeling and if you stay with her I will not judge at all because you deserve to be happy too). Those two options are what is best for her, and as someone who loves her I think to end this “in-between” stage, one of those options need to be chosen by you. To fully commit or let her go to someone who will.”

Anita, I am telling you this so that you can understand a little bit more, and help me understand as well, my evolving relationship with my dad. He responded to this message with a heart and kissing emoji, so I am sure is probably brushing it off, as he did the email I wrote him back in april about my feelings of abandonment by him. As I spoke to him in my higher vibration about this and my relationship at one point we were talking about money and he brought up how an occasion that he lent me money for school and blah blah blah, I could completely see that he was only trying to take the power back in the conversation but it really had nothing to do with what we were talking about so I didn’t engage and was able to bring him back to where I was…

Most significantly, he messaged me randomly on Wednesday

“Hey, I just want you to know I’ve been thinking about you and our conversation alot this week. A lot of things have been on my mind but the one that stands our the most is just how damn proud I am of you.!! You took the time and went through the pain to search yourself and ultimately find the voice of your truest self. You honored your whole self. The result is less important than the patient process you allowed yourself to suffer through. And at the end of the rainbow what did you get? A self assurance in your decision making. An empowered belief that you have the resources to navigate life’s challenges. May you are tougher than you think, kid (kissing emoji) Love you, proud of you (heart and kiss). ”

I don’t want to want his validation, but there is still a part of me that wants F to see me and I honestly feel like he did see me a bit here, right? It is confusing because he still gaslites and is someone I have to be cautious of but in these moments I feel like there is a part of him that I can have a relationship with. Am I being naiive? Is he all Shark?

I will continue my post in a separate box.

Seaturtle