Hi Katie,

It’s reassuring to me that your work is done by way of your compassion. In general, I’ve heard (and seen) that feeling one’s way through is more of a woman’s way of navigating the world, and the man’s way is more thinking oriented – more head than heart. It may be, as you suggest, that your boyfriend’s take on compassion – that it’s just an excuse and a weakness – is his (male) way of dealing with the world, and of finding and sustaining his place in it. Regardless of his gender and indoctrination, I believe, underneath all the words and beliefs, that his compassion certainly does exist. It’s the way all “higher” animals are built, not just humans. Without compassion as a primary motivating force, our species would die out, emotionally, then physically. It could be that your boyfriend is simply afraid of his own, deep feelings, and afraid his showing compassion, rather than getting the job done by simply “working harder” (forcing rather than allowing), would indicate his weakness.

I know you’ve been with this guy for a good while, and, while I’m not at all suggesting you part ways, am suggesting you both follow your own paths, regardless of what one thinks or feels the other should think, feel or do. This is not at all in disregard to voicing your feelings and opinions. You have the job of living your life; expressing who you are, your feelings, your wants and needs. (But in doing that job, don’t expect others to change to accommodate you.) Be careful not to let what you want and need come from someone other than you. Our entire social structure is designed for consumption, and sells itself by getting you to think in its terms. Everything you see in the media encourages co-dependency as your God. And when you pray to it (actually, fall prey to it), it’s easy to fall into a trap of needing to adjust or fix any external circumstance to maintain your own acquired (and often, hidden), agenda – and continue the sense of security you find in it, even if it’s painful. Within the co-dependency agenda, you may be driven to get your partner to operate from a place of compassion, try to get him to be excited about having kids, be driven to figure out what it means that your boyfriend has a crush on your best friend, be concerned that your family and friends might have a skewed perception of your boyfriend because… …because, because, because…. And it’s all crazy making. To answer a question, you’re not over-thinking this, you’re OTHER-thinking it.

It’s a bit like driving a car by way of looking through a series of mirrors instead of through the windshield. And anytime, either by accident or intention, one of the mirrors gets misaligned, you have to quickly re-align it to continue on your course. Driving by way of looking through the windshield is keeping YOUR vision – knowing and pursuing what YOU want, regardless of what other people think or do. If someone knocks one of your mirrors out of line – if they have feelings that don’t suit you, want to do something other than what feels good to you, even develop a crush on your best friend – you’re still looking through the windshield. Whatever they do with your mirrors is their business, not yours. Undoubtedly, you will have feelings about what other people do. It will provide you with the opportunity to take a look at your true self, how you’ve been dealing with your life and what you wish to do with it. It will help you find your true values. Have your feelings, and don’t let them have you. Have other people in your life, and don’t let them have you, or let them determine what’s good for you. Don’t “throw out the baby with the bath water.” You don’t have to give up your mirrors to keep looking through your windshield. Use the mirrors as indicators of what other people do and where they are with themselves to determine if they will be good for you to live with.

If your boyfriend wishes to investigate his life, make some changes – or not, it’s his business. Keep steadfast to your values, and don’t lose sight of your dreams. You’ll find them through your windshield, not your mirrors.

Love and Peace,

Hadyn