Im not really sure. I had amazing parents and a good childhood. They never made me feel unloved and still don’t. I’ve just always put everyone else’s happiness before my own.

The first was high school so not much merit there. This was my first love, we always stayed in touch since, even in recent years..he told me a few times he thought we would always end up together. We were finally both single at the same time about two years ago, hung out/hooked up…I was excited about it…but then turns out I was a rebound. He’s been back with his ex for over a year now and hasn’t talked to me since. Coming from someone I had a lot of respect and trust for probably hurt the most.

Second we never had a relationship but were best friends for a long time. We had a few moments when we first became friends, did everything together, but he could get whoever he wanted and I was not and still will never be his type. He sees me as a sister. Since we get along in every other aspect and have such a connection, I assume he’s not attracted to me.

Last one we dated 4 years and lived together. He was the first person i ever had sex with at 24. I wanted to wait til I was out of college that was just a personal preference. He was nice from the get go but had an old friend move in with us at around 8 months. That’s when it changed but I stayed because I hoped it was temporary. He wouldn’t spend much time with me at that point but I always gave excuses for it. The first time he really yelled was when we went away, his friend came as well..we had concert tickets and when we found out we only had two he choose his friend over me. I got upset..and he screamed at me in front of everyone in the lobby of the hotel. There was another instance when he was fighting with this friend and he was on the phone with him arguing and i asked him to slow down and he throw a big set of keys he had in my face. He would always tell me he couldn’t bring me around his friends cause I wasn’t outgoing, always make comments about what I ate, one day he told me I let myself go..he never like my friends or my sister..said they didn’t treat me great and only talked to me if they needed something. Called me crazy, bipolar, depressed to the point I believed it. Lazy. I guess I still don’t forgive myself for staying…but I loved him at that point and there were good times in between that would help me forgive. And there was also the fact I started to believe him and the things he said about me. Even to this day, i still second guess if maybe I was the problem and just overreacted.

He ended it because he constantly was coming home at around 5 in the morning and I kept getting upset about it. One night I found out he was with the girl who I’m still pretty sure he cheated on me with and this is the girl he is still with. He strung me along about a month or so after until he decided to tell me on Christmas Day he was with the new girl only two month later.

So I guess after summarizing that maybe it’s a little clearer to me why I’m not in a relationship and it’s more on my end out of fear.