Hi Anita

For anyone reading this or you, I am putting a health disclaimer and warning. Please do not continue if you don’t want to read about very personal health-related issues.

Anita, I think of you and this forum often but just haven’t been in the headspace to talk much lately. I appreciate your care and for reaching back out to me. The sinus infection I had in January ended up lasting over two and a half months, and two different antibiotics didn’t help or clear it, so I’ve been back and forth to the doctor with no relief. I finally seemed to start clearing it a bit a week ago, but I’ve been scared of why two rounds of different antibiotics wouldn’t even help me… it triggered my health anxiety a lot and made me feel helpless if I were to come down with something much more severe that would call for antibiotics again.

Also, I just went to the ENT last week and saw a new doctor there because my other one moved out of state. The new one was nice and advised I get a needle biopsy of my swollen lymph nodes, so I’m doing that this Friday. I’ve been anxious about that but nothing prepared me for the news I heard about an hour before I left work today. I recently had a pap smear and my yearly physical – and my blood work came back not the greatest – my thyroid levels were out of whack, and my cholesterol was high. Today my pap results came back and they found abnormal squamous cells, and even worse, HPV. I immediately fell apart and had to go to my car and cry over this because I’ve been really worried about this finally being my reality after years of abnormal paps. For whatever reason, every time I get a pap smear, I always have abnormal cells, I have even gotten a colposcopy before over this, and yet nothing came of any of it. Just last January, I tested negative for HPV. I don’t know all of the details yet because the medical jargon from my lab results are confusing and Google isn’t helpful for this, but it looks like I tested positive for one or either both of the high risk strains for cancer: 16/18. Apparently, you can also have more than one strain at a time too, so it’s possible I could have more or have the strain for genital warts. As you know, it’s been over 7 months since my breakup and it’s been over that long since I was last with my ex, and he was the last person I was with, so I assumed he had to be the person who gave this to me, so I spiraled over that too. However, my friend told me it can lay dormant and show up out of nowhere, so there’s really no definitive way of knowing or tracing it. If this is all too much info to share, I apologize. I’m just completely overwhelmed lately. Not only that, but my sister was just recently sued by a credit card company from an over 10 year old debt from her ex-husband (he took a credit card out in her name when they were married and ruined her credit after he ruined his) and the house has been extremely tense.

My friend has had HPV before but she finally cleared it after about 2 years. However, she also had the Gardasil vaccine as a teenager, and she’s a very healthy woman with no allergies, asthma, or autoimmune diseases like I have. So I fear that mine will not clear or be worse due to all of this. I know stress can cause it to not clear.

And on top of it all, I’ve just been trying to continue juggling both jobs as before, but now working about 50 hours a week. Which is average for most people, but a huge change for me. I guess I’m just gonna be holding my breath until I can get a gyno appointment and see what strains I have.

I hope you have been doing well since my absence!

Hi Anita!

So kind of you to say you’ve been thinking about me. I’ve also been thinking of you and trying to gather my thoughts for your questions this past week. I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Have a good night.

Hi Anita

…”It is going to be difficult for you to read but it is necessary to address thoroughly. Please remember that I still think highly of you and that I know that this Misbehavior which I am addressing today can be corrected, making you an even better person than you already are!” — No worries at any chance of hurting my feelings. I’ve really appreciated you being there for me for all of these months and I think very highly of you as well, and for your honesty. I read this post on my break at work, and then again when I got home and I’ll admit it was really hard to take in but it’s only because it’s what I’ve thought this whole time. It’s why I’ve been saying since it happened with my first posts here why I feel that I sabotaged my part of this relationship, why I feel that I interrogated him, why I feel so much shame for accidentally shaming his sexual kinks/preferences, and why I feel responsible for turning him off of me and the relationship. It’s so embarrassing that I feel like I should reach out again and just thoroughly apologize for projecting so much onto him and for throwing his issues he struggled with in his face. With no other expectation other than to just apologize. But I try to remember I already did that once, even if it was too soon and reaching out anymore would be disrespecting his choice again. I know I’m not ready to be with anyone anyway, in fact – I’m even more self-conscious and feel even more beneath him now so this absolutely couldn’t work again.

I know months back that you focused more on how little my behavior had to do with what his behavior and choices were based on his internal struggles of his own, so that’s the only part where I’m a little confused. I don’t know the extent I am responsible for the breakup. Back in September, you said, …”he spends his time in pornography and sexual fantasies…” …”His way has been mostly to distract himself from this thirst for love via kinky sexual fantasies, porn and thirst traps. He is trying to quench his sexual fantasies, not his quench for love. The way I see it, if you try to quench his sexual fantasies, you would be part of his distraction, that would be all…”  in reference to me being upset at him for admitting to losing attraction. I thought it was in moments like this where I understood that my hurt in him looking at other women and feeling undervalued was warranted. But also with him being entitled to feel lust or express attraction to other women is something I overreacted? At the beginning of our relationship, when I expressed my boundary of social media flirting, he agreed with it. I know I’ll always be very hurt over a guy lusting over other people – but I also think it’s really ignorant to control someone’s natural urges and human reactions. But at what point am I just molding myself for someone else? The hyper-vigilant urge to speak every time something hurtful came up for me by him was totally a response to completely losing my voice in my past toxic relationship. But unfortunately you’re right – why would my current ex want me to continue with him or move closer to him in the future and just continue the energy I gave him like this? It was draining!

“When you have the time and when you are calm, following processing this post, can you define “THE biggest mental block” as it stands now?” — The biggest mental block I have is feeling like I caused all of this because I’m a walking self-fulfilling prophecy, just like he said. That he was right when he told me I looked for reasons to criminalize him and I found them. All of these realizations make me feel like I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I feel incredibly shameful about messing the relationship up with my past issues and projections/insecurities. So I feel like I have no room for compassion for myself and he’s the good guy because he thought more rationally and removed himself from a controlling and jealous relationship. He deserves someone better who won’t pressure him so much and I deserve to be alone and sit with what I did until I can get do better. The other block I have is knowing I’m not okay with seeing my boyfriend lusting even though I know it’s human nature and I myself would not want to be controlled either. I want monogamy but I also understand that humans are not even wired for this long term so I feel I don’t have the right to be upset that he was getting his kicks to other women while claiming to be exclusive to me. Do you see how I have all of these contradictory battles in my head constantly? I feel like a mediator over my thoughts constantly seeing things two ways and not being able to pick a side, so I can’t live any truth for myself or have my own moral rules to guide me. Kind of like your metaphor of me watching others in the play of my life but I’m not on stage.

Also, thank you for hoping this year will be an improvement for me. If I don’t make some kind of breakthrough, I feel like I will continue to suffer unnecessarily. I am happy to hear that your mental state and peace of mind has improved with doing the hard work.

Hi Anita

“You are a very intelligent, well spoken, patient, kind and gracious young woman who is absent from her own awareness.  It is as if you are not a factor in your own mind and life. As if you didn’t yet take center stage where a person belongs in one’s own life, as if you are sitting in the audience.” — Thank you for saying all of that. I worry about being a toxic person so much that I think I completely take myself out of the equation when it comes to what I should have or be entitled to. In counseling, I learned to focus so much on what I was possibly doing to project onto others that it has since made me feel like all of my feelings are invalid. I’ve learned that everything I’m jealous over is a chip on my shoulder, everything I’m hurt or paranoid over is an insecurity. And then exes and family and friends reinforced the idea that I was indeed just always projecting and being too sensitive and overblowing situations so now I just feel like my perspective really doesn’t even matter. I’m not dissing therapy, I just think I’m taking in information incorrectly sometimes from counselors. I’m learning I’m so easily triggered and hurt by men that my perspective is tainted, and I’m tired of sabotaging myself and others. I just don’t know at what point my expectations are warranted and at what point they are irrational and unfair to put on others. I hate my boyfriend lusting at other women. I hate it so much because it’s happened to me in every relationship. Does that mean I can set that boundary? What’s the point if it’s not realistic or immature? I’d rather be single than deal with this again because of the shame I feel from the expectations I put on my ex about it.

“I don’t think we discussed limerence before (I just went through your 8-page thread and saw no mention of it), but it fits, doesn’t it?” — We haven’t, and it’s interesting you mentioned this because I was reading something the other day about this and how it can happen during a relationship and after a breakup. Some people refer to the deep longing after a sudden and unexpected as dark limerence – where the memories and rumination keeps you in this dark place you can’t get out of but you hold onto it because it’s all you have left of that person. That’s where I’m definitely at. His birthday is today (technically because it’s past midnight) – New Year’s Eve. Last year on this day, I spent the whole day with him going to thrift stores, singing and laughing in the car together, getting ice cream and watching movies at his house. We went on the Blue Ridge Parkway just above his house and watched the sunset. I had dinner with his parents and they loved me. It was a really special day. I knew this day was gonna be especially hard for me so I volunteered to work all day to try to distract myself from the pain.

Hi Anita

I talked to a couple of coworkers to ask their opinion on the job. I just chose to go full-time. I concluded that I won’t really understand what is the better choice until it’s happening to me and I can just change my mind if it ends up being a huge mistake in the future. I really hope I don’t regret it but only time will tell.

I had the ultrasound on my neck for the lump and my results came back negative for anything concerning, so that’s good. However, a few days after this, I woke up and noticed an even bigger lump on the left side of my neck that seemed to just pop up out of nowhere. I freaked out as I do and made myself sick all morning trying to ignore it and tell myself it was probably the same as the other lump that just got tested, but I decided to go ahead and call my doctor again. I feel so embarrassed and shameful to give into my paranoias so hard.

Speaking of health anxiety and fears, I was scrolling through social media tonight and saw a reel of someone who had a mild heart attack from her heartbreak. That her anxiety and depression and extreme reaction to her breakup caused broken heart syndrome… basically something that affects blood pressure/heart function and can actually cause heart attack symptoms. I went on a spiral and I am now freaking out that any time I have my usual panic attacks, they will actually result in a serious situation. I feel so disconnected from humanity because of how neurotic and scared I feel all of the time. I’m so sick of myself, it makes me understand why people have to remove themselves from me. I can’t talk to anyone about this stuff without them getting annoyed and frustrated.

– He gave you a taste of Special, that’s what he did. And he is the only source of this taste that you know about. It is not only the words he uttered that gave you this taste, it is also his privileged and educated family background, and it is also about the way he delivered the words he uttered, something about his style, his mannerism, his way of looking into himself- to an extent- that touched your heart and gave you that taste of Special.” — this is completely spot on. I’ve always believed I was too much for people and he was the first person to ever see these issues and not only accept them, but reassure me and joke about it to make me feel not so heavy over it. He really did have a way of handling it that makes me feel crazy over losing. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m so incredibly lonely. My birthday was very rough because of it. I had the tiniest part of me that hoped he’d reach out to wish me a happy birthday, but he didn’t.

“– I am imagining that I am a man your age and I meet you, a very soon (in four days) 32-year-old woman, and she gives me a lot of positive attention (like that which you gave your ex). I imagine that I feel very good about it and want more of it. I feel important and I like it. But then I realize that I feel too important to her, that any word I say, any silence in between words, anything minor about what I say and do, is MAJOR to her, as in any word I say can make or break her.. I have too much power, I start feeling uncomfortable, so I withdraw. Could this be an explanation to the pattern/ theme you mentioned above?” — this is exactly what I’ve been saying in my thread, when I’ve been saying that I pushed him away/I scared him away/too much pressure, etc. I do think it’s why he was so into me for awhile and was trying, and then gave up. It’s impossible to not internalize blame on my part. I realize he had a part in this because he wasn’t honest with himself and with me but I can’t understand why I had to lose him over this. Why couldn’t he have came into my life after I was in a better place? I keep replaying what he told me after the breakup, “It was wrong of me to not be planning or thinking of the future for us…” “…I was just trying to have as much fun as we could together and to make you as happy as I could until our problems inevitably broke us up.” It makes me feel so so sick. That he didn’t even see me as a long-term girlfriend. This has been keeping me up at night lately. I’ll never forget his face when I said I saw a future with him and maybe even marriage someday… he cringed his face in so much discomfort.

I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this. It will be 4 months on Christmas since the breakup.

Hi Anita

I can’t thoroughly respond as I’m at work right now on my phone, but in reference to your suggestion I stay part time and keep my Medicaid: if I get full time at this job, I will be eligible for their health insurance plan. So I will still receive some help, but it won’t be as good as what I have now. Also, I’ll be making twice as much in a month since I’ll be working more hours and I thought this may help me to start actually saving to move out of this house. I think you definitely have a good point though and it’s why the decision is so tough. I already agreed to the full time position when it was brought up as a possibility before a manager meeting (I’m assuming they are still making decisions), so I feel strange going back on that too. I know it’s all something I have to decide for myself though and a job doesn’t care about my loyalty.

Hi Anita

I hope you’ve had a good week – wherever you are and if you celebrated the holiday or not. I am thankful for your care in wanting to talk to me and for this forum.

“This entry on social isolation makes me understand myself better and it helps me understand you (and other people) better. I now understand your intense and prolonged sensitivity to rejection by him, why- as the title of your thread indicates- the breakup has been so “Extremely painful“.” — I am sorry you’ve had to face bullying and feeling that sense of isolation from others too. I know it’s definitely made me vulnerable to clinging to people easily as soon as they “choose” me. And yes, it feels so painful and also it’s just so insulting… a personal betrayal that he chose me because I was special (he voiced why I meant so much to him and why I was different than other girls he had dated frequently) to then dump me like I was nothing to him all along. And to admit to “wandering eyes” for other girls. Ugh.

“– you lived your whole life with your family, being in daily contact and interacting with family members.. but these interactions were not caring-enough for you: not enough to fulfil your unfulfilled fundamental human need for love and belongingness.” — Yes, and as we’ve discussed here, the emotional and supportive inconsistency is really hard to deal with. Especially since I’ve been experiencing the same pattern with my friends as well. It’s really hard to not believe I’m the problem when every single source is giving me the same feedback.

“…Without this team, you are back to being all alone, back to your prolonged and consistent experience of social isolation. …I now understand why every word he said, every emotion he expressed.. matters to you so much. From one point on, in your mind, he was the only person in the whole wide world who (you felt) satisfied that “need for love and belongingness“ ..No wonder you are still so emotionally attached to him, why you don’t let him go.” — Thank you for understanding. I know that focusing on him and replaying all of the good and bad memories so much keeps my brain trained to keep him most important, but the pain is too much to ignore. It feels unnatural and makes me physically sick to try to just ignore my grief and move on. I keep reading about how if you are just constantly crying and not forging new thought processes, then you’re just re-traumatizing yourself with every breakdown. I can’t help it. I miss him as a person so much, everything reminds me of him. Yesterday marked officially 3 months since he left me. I’m gonna be 32 in less than a month, I’ve been hurt over men before, I’ve been cheated on and lied to, yet I’ve never been this heartbroken before. It’s seriously scaring me as to how bad it is, I don’t even know what to do with all of this. The feelings of belonging and genuine adoration for the real me is something I have never had before.

“Question is: can you have this fundamental human motivation directed elsewhere..?” — I requested a consultation/appointment with the internship counseling program I mentioned before and I am waiting to hear back. However, I worry that I’m too thick in grief to “hear” and listen to a counselor. I’m still stuck in denial and wishing for him to give me another chance, yet also wanting to tell him off for lying to me. That’s not remotely at a place that’s ready to change or move on. I genuinely believe that my accusatory pressure over time, mixed with him still being in love with his ex made him panic and run. I beat myself up about this constantly –  I feel I deserve this because everyone in my life has expressed to me how difficult I can be. I don’t know what I could do to direct myself and my fundamental human motivations elsewhere. I thought that working these two jobs and just trying to focus on myself that way would help, but no. I thought that having some days off finally for Thanksgiving for me to rest would help, but no. I thought that getting a new hairstyle would help, no. I do feel like I’m boiling over with this crazy need to express this grief in some way, though. I am an artistic and emotional person but I have no way to channel it. Drawing and painting just frustrates me, so does poetry. I can feel that I NEED to express/channel this some way, but I also feel exhausted and have no drive.