Hi, Helcat

Thank you. I wish I had made it clear to him that I wasn’t expecting perfection from him. It hurts to know that he was probably telling me what I wanted to hear a lot of the time. It’s hard to know what was real because of that. Him liking those photos made me see him differently because of what you mentioned with his possible sexual struggles – there seemed to be a pattern I was seeing with him being sexually unfulfilled by me. He told me that his best didn’t seem good enough and that his best will never be good enough for anyone the night he broke up with me. So maybe he just gave up, or just used this opportunity as an out he had been looking for. I think you’re right that he may have been feeling like he was disappointing me for awhile, or that he didn’t want to try harder out of a lack of passion for me and guilt set in over time. He told me on several occasions that he felt that I didn’t trust him and he assured me each time that his intentions were good and that we were a team.

And yes, in reference to your question about relationship difficulties from the past: trust and my own insecurities are my biggest issues I’m carrying. I dated one guy for four years who didn’t have social media for most of the time we were dating. Then he suddenly made an Instagram account behind my back during one of our “breaks” and I found it and saw that he was exclusively following pantyhose fetish model accounts, barely legal girls in lingerie, and more sexually explicit content. I felt like I didn’t even know the guy. I approached him about all of this hurting my feelings so much and he told me I had changed – that I was being controlling and jealous and wasn’t the girl he signed up for. His excuse for the barely legal girls he was following was to “network.” He had a local small business in our neighboring university town and he was following 18 year old girls in their freshman year of college who had visited his business. (He was 33 at the time). He was also incredibly controlling and judgmental, racist, sexist, homophobic. Had no empathy, told me to just go ahead and get on welfare like the rest of my family because I would never be a functioning adult and that I was bringing him down/holding him back with my negativity and anxiety. He also came from an upper middle class family and so I never felt I could measure up to him or his family’s standards. They were incredibly pretentious like him. I ended up finally breaking up with him for good in July 2019 after so much emotional abuse and confusion. I didn’t believe I ever had the right to be upset or stand up for myself with him because all the issues he had with me were rooted in truth. It is absolutely foreign to me to expect someone to change for me or to adjust their behavior because I’m uncomfortable with something. My brain just tells me they have the right to do what they want to do and no one inherently deserves or owes anyone anything. It’s like I’m being unfair. This is the problem I have where I don’t know how to advocate for myself or set boundaries. I rationalize everyone’s behavior and judgment but my own, I guess because I feel my perspective can’t be trusted. I feel like I still haven’t moved on from the issues this guy made me see about myself and my family.

I wish I could be unbothered by the liking of photos and such. I feel like if they aren’t liking photos, they can be flirting on another platform, and it just boils down to trust and that’s where it’s my problem. I also understand the loud voice/raising of voice during conversation, that one is also a trigger for me. I just still cannot believe my ex also lied to me about the trans coworker. I sincerely wanted to believe that he was just protecting their pronouns. I’m still in so much denial, I guess.

Hi, Anita

Addressing the first of your message – yes, I do not think I’m worthy and lovable. I think I am constantly projecting and so I do not trust myself. I feel like my anxious attachment and trust issues from being wronged by men in the past make me unlovable.  I do look too into things. I feel that my eating issues and health anxiety is objectively hard to live with and be around, as everyone in my life has admitted this to me. I know I need to prove to myself I can make myself feel like an adult woman and learn to feel safe in my own body instead of relying on a guy to make me feel safe. I will never be able to make confident decisions without this. I want to not ever feel like this again with someone and I know I will until I fix this. I guess I don’t have the faith in myself, and also attachment issues aside, I just really miss him as a person and his personality. I miss his face, I miss his voice and sense of humor. I miss our dates and how much fun we had just playing off of each other and our effortless banter. He told me so many times how much he appreciated how comfortable he was with me. He said I was the first girl he ever wanted to hold hands with and it felt right. I guess I’m just too in the thick of it still. I sincerely hope this lessens. It’s not fair that I’m hung up on all of this about him and he felt it was okay to completely drop me from his life. Life isn’t fair though. And I sincerely appreciate your patience and kindness towards me.

I am sorry that you had that experience and realization with your mom. It’s such a difficult realization for me because my mom has always loved me in the ways she knew how – cooking for me and trying to take care of me when I was sick. But beyond that, I think she just cannot be available for me like you said, especially if it’s over things she can’t relate to. She’s preoccupied by her own misery. My mom had a very emotionally unavailable mother and they lived without running water or electricity. So I know her way of showing me love has been Christmas presents and monetary expressions of love when she can. It’s why Christmas is so depressing for me, I want to fast forward straight through it. I see her attempts to love me with this. I feel pity for her that she wastes her money she doesn’t even have (it all is on credit cards) only to STILL feel unhappy with her life as soon as Christmas is over. And then I feel guilty for it because my sister tells me I should be happy at Christmas and make mom happy.

I constantly look at other places to stay and you’re right that any other place with a peaceful schedule could be better. My car broke down AGAIN last night. I’m stuck at home physically when this happens, but also stuck because I keep having to put my paychecks into fixing the car rather than saving to move.

Oh and about the routines that I have been thinking about that my sister may get upset about: I got recently invited to attend a $10 a session yoga thing with my coworker. I have been on the fence about it because I don’t love mixing coworkers with my personal life and also this coworker is about to become my temporary manager. This coworker thinks highly of my sister because this coworker used to work for our brother and she knows way too much about us. So it’s just personal. My sister is also a local artist and my coworker admires her art. Everyone knows my sister and brother around here. My sister is the type of person who refuses to attend any event by herself. She’ll go get a coffee by herself, but not a concert or anything. I am the type who would rather do something by myself unless I share this interest with a very close friend or boyfriend. I do enjoy doing things with my sister but sometimes I want my own routine to escape her and she gets offended if I don’t invite her. So for this yoga thing to involve a coworker we both know who my sister asks about and my brother talks to us about is kind of complicated. Sorry if this was a jumble of confusion to read. This is a very small town… I can’t seem to make new connections without them being connected to someone else. Hence why I went on dating app in the first place and was cool with dating someone two hours away… lol. Not only that, but say if I want to take a craft class – my sister will want to tag along because she is very crafty and artsy. She gets jealous anytime I hang out with a friend and says passive-aggressive things like, “must be nice to have friends.”

Hi, Anita

Yes, you’re right about the ex. As I mentioned at the end of my reply to Helcat, I know that this is the time I need to be using for myself and focusing on my health. Unfortunately, I am still being completely consumed by grief and I’m trying really hard to just make it through each day. Also shock because I keep going back through memories where he’d reassure me unprompted and seemed like I really meant the world to him. That is why I hope I am not coming across like a brick wall and like I am not hearing what you are saying to me. I forgot to mention that my ex and his mom who loved me both struggled with eating issues/food allergies and they were very understanding to my situation. I’ve never had that in a relationship before. I think I’m also mourning losing that comfort as well.

I do believe that the constant high levels of cortisol in my body caused my EOE and thyroid dysfunction. I think there was a time right after the choking incident that my phobia was probably the only thing really running the show but maybe years of this intense stress built up caused EOE. I was put on Pantoprazole (generic for Protonix) after my diagnosis to combat the side effects and damage from EOE and it seemed to help me. It definitely wasn’t a miracle drug but it did seem to improve my quality of life over the 5 years I took it. Unfortunately I cannot take pills and because this is an extended release capsule, I had to have it compounded into a liquid at my pharmacy. In late July, Pantoprazole went commercial and the liquid form I take went up from $28 to $5,000. It was a HUGE blow to my eating anxiety and sense of safety knowing this really important medication was no longer an option for me. This is also why I referenced that July was one of the worst months of my life. It completely triggered those feelings of helplessness from before I got the EOE diagnosis and before I had medication to mitigate it. I just switched to a more affordable option but I’m worried it’s gonna not be as effective.

I’m very sorry to hear about your experiences with food early on as well and how this affected you. I am going to try to create my own routine like you suggested. I feel completely out of order right now. I want to feel secure, any semblance of security in myself would help. Going back to my dysfunctional family issues we discussed before, I know a daily routine in my house is difficult. No one goes to work or school in my house aside from me and I live with 4 other people. My niece and nephew are homeschooled and they are not on any schedule. My sister has severe insomnia so she doesn’t have then on a sleep schedule. They stay up until 7-8 am and sleep in all day. In fact as I type this, it is 3:41 am and my sister is arguing with my nephew in the room next to me. So when I need to sleep, the house is loud and chaotic. When I come home or want to socialize and hang out with my family, I have to tip toe around the house and be quiet for them or I just don’t even get to hang out with them. My mom watches Gunsmoke all day and tunes me out. I don’t get much rest or peace at this house. It’s why I also fantasied and counted the days for when I got to go see my ex, and for my future apartment where he could come visit me with no interruptions. I’m just absolutely tired of living in dysfunction and no discipline or routine. I’m frustrated at my sister for her lack of discipline in her kids because it reminds me of the lack of discipline we got from our mom. I WANTED guidance and rules and routine. I got chaos and isolation back then, and these same themes seem to be replaying in front of me with my sister and her kids now. I sound very ungrateful, but I do appreciate my family and I know my sister would do anything for me. I will start thinking about some kind of routine I CAN do in the midst of this. After work, I never want to go home so I usually get myself a soda or just go sit in a parking lot until I know I can’t avoid it any longer. I’d consider that a routine of sorts, but it’s also kind of avoidance of my issues. As for the tangible object suggestion, I might could try to carry a pebble or something with me.

Hi, Helcat,

Thank you for your post, I am sorry you also struggle with so many symptoms. I am glad to hear that you have gotten to a place where they are more manageable and less scary for you. I also have GERD. I notice I feel wheezy and tight chested when my GERD is acting up, so it’s interesting how all of these things you were mentioning can be related. I frequently feel like my throat is closing up and spasming, so I’m sure that my anxiety definitely is a factor of the choking sensation along with everything else. My daily allergies cause constant postnasal drip in my throat and makes it feel like I am choking too. I actually went to an allergist in 2019 and they tested me for many things but not food to my knowledge. I was upset because I thought they would test for food. I am only aware of being super allergic to dust mites (I sleep with allergen covers on my mattress and pillow) grass, pet dander, pollen, certain trees. I went to a dietician in 2021 and tried the elimination diet. It was virtually impossible to do correctly because I mostly can only eat potatoes and dairy. (Dairy causes issues with mucus but I’m not as physically afraid of choking on a milkshake, if that makes sense). I tried to switch to plant protein shakes, and I cut out soy protein drinks because I read it was bad for EOE. My only food triggers I know for sure are tomato soup, fruit of any kind, acidic stuff that messes with my GERD, rice, and pasta. I can’t really figure out food triggers because one day I can eat a certain food well, then two days later it’s like I’m choking on it. My eating experiences just vary by the day. My gastroenterologist mentioned that EOE flares up for various reasons so that may have something to do with it too.

And thank you for your well wishes. It is validating to know that what I’m dealing with is natural to feel such levels of stress over. Back in counseling, I was told I probably have PTSD from it, yes. I would say I have very little coping skills to deal with this. It’s very hard to get a handle on my symptoms and triggers when I am constantly having to relive my choking phobia by eating multiple times daily. And when my throat messes up with the food – which it does daily in some way, along with unpredictable food experiences – I can’t turn off the intense fear. When I was in therapy, I was given some redirection tools for when I was triggered by any physical sensation. But nothing takes away that feeling in the moment of being absolutely certain I’m choking, or that I am in danger over a physical sensation not even related to eating. For example, if something falls on my head or I just bump my head on something, I am convinced I have a concussion for at least 2-3 days. OBSESSIVE fear until I can tell myself that enough time has passed for concussion symptoms to pop up. This is just one example of many triggers throughout my day. I don’t know how to tell myself that a physical sensation is not “true.”

Hi, Anita.

Thank you for caring so much about me and my situation. I didn’t take your post offensively, it’s just that my rumination is so terrible and unhinged. I didn’t want to make it seem like I’m not appreciating/absorbing your perspective. I was planning on responding but I just am in such a funk. You relating to me about your own struggles has been very helpful.

I thought when my ex said, “I honestly don’t know what I would do without you” and, “We will figure this out and get through this together,” that he meant we were still gonna be in regular and supportive contact. Right after the breakup, he was still sending me personal stuff. However, he’s currently left me on read since Tuesday. Tonight, he posted a story of the first photo of himself since our breakup and a video of him out with a female and male at a restaurant getting drinks. It sent me into the worst spiral I’ve been in since the night of the breakup. I know he’s avoidant and he’s probably not even felt the feelings of this breakup yet (if he even ever will). I know his brain is different than mine too. He doesn’t even know I’m upset about any of this. His social behavior now is contradictory to the private behavior I saw the whole year I knew him. I think tomorrow I am going to have to reach out to him and tell him I need to cease contact with him until I can feel better, then unfollow him. Seeing him seemingly moving on so easily without me and not sharing his daily life with me anymore is killing me.

In reference to me saying he never shamed me for my relationship and health paranoia – yes, that’s why for the first time ever, I felt accepted. It DOES get too much for people around me. My ex never made me feel like this even after I’d inquire if I was affecting him negatively, not until the night of the breakup when he told me part of why it wasn’t working anymore was because of my issues.

When I was 12 years old, I choked on a cough drop and nearly died. and developed a severe choking and swallowing phobia. I feel like my life ended that day. I felt like I was choking on everything after this, due to the paranoia of it happening again but also because I started feeling like all my food was getting lodged. I lost 20 pounds and was accused of being anorexic in school. I was down to only 63 pounds in 7th grade at the height of this. (It’s part of this why I still don’t feel physically like a woman. I feel like men see a child when they look at me, even though I’ve since gained weight). I felt incredibly alone in my health struggles since it was never resolved. My mom tried for a bit to get me medical help but with no resolution. Years later, I tried to take my health into my own hands. At 26, it was discovered I also have Eosinophilic esophagitis, a disease that causes difficulty with swallowing food. EOE also caused three severe strictures in my esophagus and was the reason for my trouble swallowing food all of these years, aside from the mental phobia of it. Kind of both factors triggering each other. I genuinely fear I have developed some form of OCD from this. Every single day, I can have the slightest physical sensation and I have to talk myself down or need to seek reassurance that I’m not in danger. It’s EXTREME and I can’t be talked out of things. It’s ruined my life and my relationships. I’ve been reading a lot into health anxiety/OCD and I’m beginning to wonder if this is overlapping with my extreme rumination and obsessive thinking and need to “figure out” my relationship and breakup as well. The amount of reassurance seeking with this breakup is absolutely depleting me and everyone I reach out to. This makes me worry that every subsequent relationship will be met with this issue. My constant compulsion to seek reassurance is the only thing that makes me feel momentarily safe. CBT was helpful to learn about my family issues, but never remotely helped my obsessions and compulsions related to my health anxiety.

Hi, Anita.

Thank you again, and your explanation over my stunted emotional growth is very helpful. I struggle immensely with self-regulating and trusting my own judgement. And yes, the attention and safety I felt from him was next level. My parents always struggled so badly with money and emotional/educational support for my autistic brother in the 90’s. Back when I was in counseling, my counselor suggested this may have been where my family enmeshment began – we had no outside support and we were in our own little helpless “bubble.” It was a liability issue to bring people in to help us. My dad had to quit his job to help my mom with my brother full-time at a certain point. I felt from at least the age of four that my parents were not capable of keeping me safe anymore because I could see them fearing for their own safety with how destructive my brother was getting. Plus, they coped with this isolation with alcohol. My teenage sister had to step in the role of my mother. When I am “adopted” by people who don’t struggle with these same things, life feels lighter and I get to escape my reality. But as you shared about your own experiences, I’m also met with immense guilt for getting to enjoy this peace without my family. I fear that bettering myself will only ever be met with this guilt. I truly feel for you as you say you’ve struggled with this too. I hope that you’re able to find moments of joy for yourself.

And no, I never saw any threats to my ex’s claims or intentions with me because he was a self-proclaimed dork who would rather play video games at this stage in his life than go out and party. He waited for months to have sex with me until I was ready and never once made me feel pressured, so I felt like he wasn’t the supposed bad person from his past. I never thought “wandering eyes” or him out late to dinner with an attractive coworker was even something I’d have to worry about. I thought that choosing a likeminded girl who appreciated mattered more than careless flings. Our dates were always dork fests of fun and he orchestrated most of them. I did think his passion for us would transition eventually into more. He used to refer to hypothetical future plans as if we were a team. I had assumed we’d move closer to each other and get our own places first. I worry that in the FaceTime breakup call, me saying “moving in” and “possibly marriage one day” completely gave him the wrong idea and he ran for good. I don’t even know if I want marriage ever to anyone. I was just trying to bring home the idea that I was committed.

His inability to follow through with life planning possibly affecting him not getting a degree like the rest of his family is also something we discussed. He told me school was not for him with how his brain works. He went to trade school and got a very well paying welding job. But then COVID hit and his company was laid off. I tried to tell him that his skills are in different areas than his family and that he should be proud of his unique talents. He scoffed. It frustrated me that he never seemed to absorb any of my compliments or support. I always wondered if me having my bachelor’s degree ever bothered him. My degree was only made possible through many Pell grants, Chegg, and the jobs I worked while in school. I had online classes because I could never afford on campus or to move. He seemed proud of my degree when we first met, but I wore my alumni sweatshirt with him a month ago or so and he mocked it jokingly.

My family definitely couldn’t afford senior care. However, my mom, sister, and I have all worked in a nursing home before and we’ve seen horrors so I’d feel a lot of guilt to send my mom there. And no, I don’t think I ever expected or hoped for his family to financially take burden off of me or my family. I want to prove to myself I can do things and I’d be too embarrassed to accept that. I think it was more so the illusion by proxy of feeling like I can have room to be hopeful and not feel constantly helpless. I had hoped he and I could build a life together, to save up for trips and such as a team. You’re probably right – he wasn’t deeply thinking about anything.

He messaged me last night after almost three full days of leaving me on read and not updating me about his dad’s condition like he said he would on Saturday. He sent me photos of his cat in a similar bat wing cat harness that I had joked about buying him before we broke up. I was completely confused and chose to not open the message fully or respond until tonight after work. I acknowledged the cat and then I asked him how his dad was. He replied that he’s getting the “best care in this Italian hospital.”

Hi, Anita.

Thank you for your response and also yes, I absolutely can condense my thoughts more from now on. As you can see, I have trouble summarizing but I will do my best in respect of your time. I really appreciate all of this.

I think your entire post is completely on point. So you’re saying that because I felt validation, refuge, acceptance, etc. in him and his family that it made me feel safe to finally resume my growth that was stunted in me? That maybe if I had been afforded these same qualities and opportunities I so longed for in my parents that I would have been able to develop properly? Or better, I guess. I also think the attention I got from a guy who usually only went for the conventionally attractive “popular” girls stroked my ego. I was bullied all through school by the popular jock types and the cheerleaders. I wanted to be accepted by them. Interesting though that he was not your stereotypical player, he’s a self-proclaimed beta nerd and that’s another reason why it’s hard to accept he could really be just like all the other toxically alpha men out there.

I know this relationship was also a form of escapism because as soon as I come home from my job, I see my mom sitting on the couch all day long in pain and self-wallowing, and the septic tank repair bill or some other stressful and real life issue constantly plaguing us that I have to take responsibility for or emotionally support her over. I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her and these issues so perhaps dating this guy also gave me a sense of MY OWN LIFE. I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her. No wonder I’m mourning so many losses with him. It seems like money issues and repairs constantly keep us stuck in a hole and the thought of just a day trip somewhere for fun is unimaginable for my family. Meanwhile, his parents were just on a 3 week trip to Italy. Sadly, my mom is already heading towards 70 in a few months and I fear more than anything that by the time I’ll be finally able to move out, she’s gonna need me more than ever. I don’t want to abandon her when her health goes seriously downhill. I could never live with myself if something happened to her without me being there for her. I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific. I had found common ground with my ex over this too, as his parents were in their 70’s as well and he understood my concerns. He felt the same sense of responsibility to his parents.

Your point about me looking much more into things than him is also probably what happened. I know on most subjects that was our dynamic and we’d even joke about it. I saw a lot of emotional availability and intentionality from him at the beginning into a few months of dating. I genuinely thought I felt his passion for me for awhile so I hope I wasn’t imagining that. It hurts to think he never saw a future with me or any sort of commitment from the start, and rather he treated us as a guinea pig first relationship project. That makes it feel like EVERYTHING was a lie or wasn’t genuine for him and he was thinking of future prospects this whole time. After I asked him what his first impression of me was when he first saw me, he said, “that this girl is definitely gonna ruin my life.” I took that to mean that he felt I was out of his league and I’d break his heart. Funny how the roles reversed. I feel the sad truth is that regardless of all of the details of what caused what, he lost attraction to me and this relationship at some point and I can’t help but feel so embarrassed about being led on. I guess it’s for the best he finally ended it if that’s truly how he feels. It’s just hard to know how to feel about him because I don’t know what his motives were. If he didn’t mean to do any of this harm, that’s one thing. If it was intentional and careless and he just used me as a rebound, that’s another.