Figured I’d update. I didn’t mean to neglect this thread.

I’ve read three books under my own (interested) volition over the last month (since late February), and it’s made me feel good. A little boost. Nothing special, mind you, just a couple of biographies and a timepiece, but it’s monumental to me, because you won’t believe how many books I’ve accrued over the years only to not read them. I’ve got a list lined up actually, and I’ve been writing down my goals and plans in a notebook. You also wouldn’t believe how therapeutic that is, not to mention something I find imperative to achieving something (the writing it down and looking at it part, even though that’s only half the story.)

Some days are good, some not. Some are miserable. I’ve had some setbacks recently. Most notably tonight and last night. I just get to thinking sometimes, and it’s one colossal amalgamation of sadness and anger. The anger has been destroying me. The anger is mostly induced out of disappointment and all the pain. And a lot of the anger is directed towards myself for being unable to let go.

It annoys me so much, considering that I’m in a little relationship right now with a very good girl (although I’m not sure I see a future with her), and I have no problem attracting girls when I’m out and about — plenty of flirtatious looks/smiles and teasing conversations. I know I probably sound outrageously conceited by writing that, so look past it. Deep down, I’m strangely insecure and have low confidence. While I recognize what I have to offer and can pinpoint my strengths and occasionally try to assuage my weaknesses, I’m still tied to *her* (the ‘main squeeze’ that I wrote about in the opening post of this thread) and I dislike that I feel that way. I take responsibility for it, but still.

I’ve been listening to a lot of jazz lately. A lot Sonny Stitt, Sonny Rollins, John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderley, Joe Lovano, Dexter Gordon and Roy Haynes. I feel so relaxed and calm while listening to those artists and jazz in particular. Takes the edge off.

I’ve been away from the computer — I’ve limited my time using it to focus on being active, all day long. Up to this point I’ve felt better, but I still get upset. We had a great thing going. I know that it’s all over now. She had a baby over a year ago — that puts it all to rest. But still, all of this trouble over letting someone go. It’s so upsetting and painful. I keep thinking about her being the way she was to me in 2008 and 2009 to the new guy, and that hurts because those are the two years of which I view her as being the best version of herself before she changed/regressed and committed such aforementioned acts of absolute betrayal.

Blaice, I have to agree with Kevin on that you are a very talented writer — if you wrote a book about this topic, I’d buy it in a heartbeat. Your deep thoughts have truly opened my mind. I appreciate (again) the input from the both of you. I can’t overstate that enough. I’ve written about this topic on other forums, but never have received feedback quite like that!

I don’t, or didn’t, know what I was getting into when our relationship began. At the time, I was the most confident human being in the world. Exaggeration? Sure, but I was self-assured and, dare I say, irrationally self-confident to the point where the outcomes of my actions (in ‘reasonable quests’) weren’t something I worried about. That’s how I met her and how we got into a relationship, I must say ~~ my assertiveness to talk to her, make her laugh, laugh with her, and we just hit it off. So much chemistry. So, when the relationship began, I didn’t have any expectations. All I knew was that I was really into this amazing, beautiful girl because her personality, attitude, sense of humor and our overall chemistry together was impeccable, and she blew me away.

And then our journey together began, and everything between us seemed reciprocated back and forth. If one of us had a down day, the other lifted the one with the bad day up. It was truly a magical time. I felt like I could go through anything difficult in the world, and everything would be perfectly fine because I’d have her by my side and my problems would then by minuscule. That’s (this?) what I thought of when I read your first paragraph, Blaice.

Thinking about her being that way with and for another guy has created a lot of pain. I’ll leave that at that.

After spending those years with her, seeing her write on that profile that the guy she’s with now is the “love of her life” and “her best friend in the whole world”? No words. I’m not even going to try.

I’m scared to death of going back to college in the fall. I haven’t been inside of a classroom since December 2009. Back then, she was in my life. Now, obviously not, and doing this is both daunting and exciting. I fear that going inside of the building is going to bring an influx of memories to crash my head, given the familiarity of it all and how I’ll feel.

Just like you, Blaice, anytime I have a bad day or something depresses me, I think about her. It’s a vicious perpetual cycle of pain.

I do suffer from self esteem and confidence issues quite often. I just think about how she ditched me, and treated me and our relationship, after everything we’d been through, like a toy she’d gotten tired of playing with that ended up in a yardsale. I know that’s a negative analogy, but that’s how I see it. I *know* that I deserve better than who she was during the end and how she acted when we said our parting goodbyes (well, she said her goodbye, I’ve been at a loss for words since!), but who she was in 2008 and 2009? An amazing person. That’s who I can’t over. The one that doesn’t exist within her. But again, like I said, I cringe whenever I happen to think about her being to that guy the way she was to me in 2008 and 2009.

I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing the comments from people that I used to know under photos of her with ‘him’. Oh, wow. I just can’t imagine that. The pain would be exorbitant. The curiosity is there, guys, that crazy curiosity, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to take the pain. It would ruin my week.

Before she changed, she was a huge asset in my life. I know you guys can understand. Of course, I also think, “How can a person this great turn so cold, callous and most definitely evil?” There’s not a day that’s gone by over the last few years that I haven’t wondered that exact thing. It blows my mind. It really does. It would be different if she was an awful girlfriend from the start, but that’s just not the case. She was so amazing for so long, and then the change happened, and it all left me confused, I pandered to her, disrespected myself, and such and so.

I can’t talk about this with my friends. I won’t. For a variety of reasons. When I’ve briefly talked about such matters in the past, they quickly changed the subject. Nowadays I don’t even try. I don’t know why they’d change the subject. I didn’t force the topic on them or whine about it. I just wanted to talk about it, because I needed a hearing voice, but they skirted around the topic. It’s funny how they have no problem coming to me with their issues and don’t see how things are. That’s why I appreciate this forum, this thread and you guys for your input and the time you’ve taken to respond and write about your own thoughts and experiences. It’s more helpful than I can say.

There’s a lot of disappointment in my heart over it all. Like you, Blaice, when I invest my time into something, it’s 100%. I don’t like to give something 70% or 30%. I’m either all in or not in at all. I guess that leaves the wound open and deeper for longer. The pain is elongated because I can’t escape the reminders of her from objects like a t-shirt, music or movies. I’ve been working on reframing my mindset (lately) through trial and error.

Y’know, Blaice, I used to be a patient person, and nowadays I find myself not being so. Or at least not as patient as I used to be. This strange anxiety comes over me when I’m anticipating something where despite how calm I’d be in the past, I become antsy now. I experience more doubt in my mind more than anything. I’d like to be more positive about life.

I wish my thoughts were more coherent and well put together at this time. It’s about 2:30 in the afternoon here, and at the nearby park there are folks doing some yardwork and the noise of the motors are distracting the heck out of me. More scattered thoughts at a later point. I know I repeat myself a lot. Can’t help it! Heh! I’m definitely interested in hearing more from the both of you whenever you have the time!

Wow, Blaice, that was an amazing, insightful, well written and extremely articulate post. I appreciate that so much! I’m not sure I’m in the right frame of mind to reply in such a masterful way, but reply it is that I’ll do! You and I sound one and the same in a lot of this.

— ” It was the first time in my life someone had gone from the most adored thing in my heart to some malignant, spiteful stranger I no longer knew.”
— “I have no reason why someone I loved (and presumably loved me) could have treated me with such agonising asperity and acrimony.”

I feel like the above sentences you wrote could have been written by me.

Yes, I do believe I miss the relationship more than her, but I do miss that version of her, the way she was in 2008 and 2009, more than anything. It’s awful how much I compare girls I meet to her. It’s unfair. I know this. But still, I do it, B was on an entirely different plane, an echelon, compared to the two girls I’ve since been with and the many I’ve met. That version of B no longers exists, and will never be back, I get this, but it hurts more than I can describe. It’s just the way she was. That version of her, in 2008 and 2009, she was (is?) the most hands down… beautiful, sweetest, caring, loving and supportive person I have ever known in my entire life. Again, just that version of her. Genuinely the most beautiful — inside and out — human being I’d ever known. Her smile, her giggle, her laugh, her outrageous sense of humor. I mean, we could talk about something serious and be laughing about something silly 45 seconds later. She’d get this big grin on her face, we’d tease each other, she’d giggle incessantly, we’d laugh together till we’d be in tears. Those were the days. It goes beyond just craving the intimacy and companionship aspect of a relationship when it gets to that point when I remember how she *was*.

There was a lot of complicated matters that led to the long and drawn out end of our relationship. But to write about it all would take a book or five. It’s exhausting to think about. I still feel like I never received closure. I just know two things: 1.) she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and has since moved on by having a child with her now fiance; and 2.) the relationship is over and I will NEVER hear from her again for the remainder of my life. She “wished me a long and happy life” and also told me that she just wanted to “live her life quietly” and for me to “respect her wishes”. She did those things so callously.

It pains me that she has a fiance and that she had a baby with him. That hurts so badly. I can’t stop writing that, so I’ll write it one more time: it hurts so f’n badly to see the girl that I loved and spent years of my life with ended our relationship so callously and hopped into a relationship with some guy and had a baby with him. I used to be so confident as a person, but now — and I don’t admit this openly — my confidence is down and self-esteem couldn’t be any lower because of the fact that I think about how she replaced me.

By the way, the biggest reason it hurts that she had a baby with that guy is the fact that she told me, promised me, each and every single day for those years we were together, that we’d have a baby boy named after yours truly and my deceased father (who meant so much to me), and that she’d never changed my mind. That statement always meant so much to me. So much. And then she went out and hurt me worse than any harm physical pain could possibly bring.

I never wanted her to go. There was no reason for her to go. She just changed. That’s not revisionist history. She was immature at one point, and when she showed it, that’s when the change began, when she was jealous over the fact that I’d been with a couple of girls before she or I met. I didn’t know how to handle her jealousy to disrespected myself (I regret that) by apologizing over my past.

I never wanted her to change. I’m not immune to change. I like positive change, but I think there’s absolutely NO REASON for unnecessary negative change. And she changed for the worse, as a person, and became cold, callous and the exact antithesis of caring, loving, supportive or appreciative.

Again, I never wanted her to leave. Life was great. No revising history/embellishment there. I was relaxed and things were well. And then all hell broke loose. I’ll never get over that. I know, I know, I know that’s a self-fulfilling prophesy by saying that, and I believe that one becomes what they say, they become their words, but what ever a person says is a word they put into their mouth as an expression, but trust me that I will never get over the way things ended with her.

I believe that life is abundant, that the world is abundant, and I don’t believe there is ONE person out there for everyONE, but that there are *multiple* people out there for us all to connect with. I mean, how many people are in the world alone? 7 billion and counting, right? There has to be more than one person we can connect with. There’s plenty. However, I will never love a girl the same way I loved (love) her. Bank on that. That’s a fact. Find me in 20 years and ask me again. I will always have this bleeding spot in my heart where she will always be. I can’t adequately describe how much I loved (love) her. She always meant so much and was so special to me. And then she thew away everything we had for something I perceive to be inferior and, if anything, average and unremarkable.

I appreciate the girl I’m with now. I appreciate her presence in my life. However, I don’t think I could ever love her. I could love her as a person, but romantically and intimately? Not a shot. I don’t know when I’ll love again in that way, in a way that is what I just mentioned: romantically and intimately.

I’ll probably wrote more later. Tomorrow or in a few days. I’d love to hear back from you and others, Blaice. I just… my mind is all over the place right now. There feels like there’s so much storage going on, like a hard drive that’s saturated and needs to be defragmented. So much history. I’ve thought about her so much at times where I’ve genuinely developed what appeared to be a stomach bug in the past, where I’ll have this massive sickness and flu-like symptoms for a week. It hasn’t happened since November.

Thank you to the both of you for taking the time out of your days to reply!

I’ve actually done the positive/negative pro:con contrast before, but at the end of the day I always tend to think of the good times — the best times — the most. I think it’s because I feel comfortable thinking about that time period. While it’s bittersweet and ultimately upsets me because I miss the way things used to be, it’s comfortable because it’s what I know, or something that I knew, something that made me happy, but the keyword is ‘made’ in the past sense.

I don’t like how things ended with her. I never wanted things to end. I never wanted to split ways and go on different paths. I wanted for us to be a part of each other’s lives, but she didn’t want that, and I respect that. The last thing she ever told me was, “I wish you a long and happy life”. Heartbreaking words of absolute finality that have reverberated inside of me.

I appreciate the things that I have in my life. My health, my sanity (maybe? Ha!), my family and friends, and most certainly the girl I’m seeing, but I just feel this huge void.