Hi Yellow,

First of all, it is important to realize that you are in an abusive relationship and your safety and mental health is first priority. Here is some information on domestic violence http://www.thehotline.org/ and here is the domestic violence hotline if you ever feel like you need it: 1-800-799-7233. They might be able to give you more experienced information. You could also always look for a non-profit domestic violence clinic in your county to help you sort out your decision.

Second of all, I am a counselor in an abuser intervention program and work with men who are abusive towards their partners. This is a behavior that is often ingrained and stems from many things that are hard to change by yourself. He could be acting like this for several reasons: poor coping skills, learned behavior from early age, problems with tolerating emotions, poor communication skills, etc. So the point of this is to help you realize that what you are going through is NOT YOUR FAULT, it has nothing to do with you, and he needs professional help.

Third, often people in abusive relationships experience what is called the “cycle of violence.” Basically it’s when things are fine, he abuses you, feels regretful and tries hard for you to forgive him, you experience a honey moon phase, and then the violence repeats itself. Here is some more information on the cycle of violence: http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

No one can make this decision for you and even if we all tell you to leave, you have your own reasons why you want to remain in this relationship. It may be that you feel a strong attachment to him, are still in love with him, are still committed, are afraid to leave because you’ve formed an identity surrounding your relationship, or may even for resources. You have your reasons and it may be important to figure those things out.

You can try doing a simple values sorting task (http://www.uihi.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/FINAL-Value-Card-Set-082313-CMS.pdf) to figure out what you value in life and see if he matches those values. Are you living your life according to your values? Does this person fit the values you want for yourself? How can you live your life so that it better matches the things you value?

But I highly recommend that you contact your local domestic violence clinic. They will be able to help you with this better than an online forum.