Wow, thank you all for these great comments. My depression is MDD, with recent bouts of panic attacks which I have never had before. This is the worst episode of depression I’ve ever had.

Both kids are grown and through college (which we were fortunate enough to pay for them so they don’t start out life in the hole with debt). My daughter recently moved back in with us during a job transition, my son lives many states away with his first job out of college. I miss him terribly. Work is my major identity, not that I’m a workaholic but it has been the area I have been most successful in, until now. Recovering alcoholic, 14 years sober, but that makes life also “different” in many social situations. Lost both parents (my only family members) 3 years ago within 12 weeks of each other. I started losing my memory and cognitive sharpness around that time and it has gotten steadily worse, from brain fog to pea soup. Got moved into an executive role in an area I was not familiar with a year ago and it has not set well. I’m not right for it. That and my faltering skills started my depression rolling. Fear, anxiety, how would I pay the mortgage without digging into retirement savings. What would I do for work? I’d be lost without it. Then the looming mortgage….and all the other expenses from living in an expensive part of town. Long commute, huge taxes, high insurance, flood insurance, etc. I have worked in stress filled rolls for years and years and had a capacity for it, though not an appetite for it, until now. It feels like the walls are caving in all around me.

My wife loves our house and lifestyle and we are essentially taking a step backwards into a “safe” house, smaller, cheaper but still nice.  I feel horribly guilty. I think she is embarrassed to leave. She doesn’t like talking about my depression.

I am taking medication, am in the middle of TMS therapy, do yoga, exercise, meditate, walk, read the Bible, journal, practice gratitude…basically everything I can think of shake this off. But I feel like my life has peaked and is rolling downhill now and I can’t seem to get it all under control. The house was a huge decision that is really weighing on me now sitting around waiting for moving day.

Thanks for all your kind words and advice.