Hello Anita, I am highly grateful for you taking the time to help me! Thanks a lot!

As for what you’re inferring about my childhood, you’re almost right. To give you some background, I would not say I had a great childhood. My father’s an alcoholic and a toxic person in general. Growing up, I have seen a lot of abuse (primarily emotional, sometimes physical) in my house. While the abuse was directed towards my mom, I have witnessed it and still do. My father has been there for my basic needs; he’s done more than enough to meet them. But I don’t think he was there for me emotionally. My mom has pleaded with him multiple times to get over his alcohol addiction, but things never got better. COVID-19 was more difficult for us as he lost his job, and things turned sour. I have seen my mother cry a countless number of times and always felt helpless. They’re still married, and while things are a bit better now (touching wood), they’re not completely healed. He still drinks, and it sometimes causes some drama once in a while, so I take my mother out of the home to relieve the tension. We make sure we come back to find him asleep. All of these experiences have caused me a lot of anxiety in my teenage years. I’d always be on edge when he’d be drinking, preparing for something to happen at any moment. While my anxiety has gotten significantly less regarding these family matters, it’s not entirely gone. I have tried to convince my mom several times to consider divorce or just living separately for some peace, but she never did, afraid of what society might think and for my sake. To tackle this whole situation, I still prefer living with my parents. It is common in my country, but even if I had opportunities to do something where I had to stay separately from them, I never considered it worried for the emotional and physical well-being of my mother. I am unsure if I would call my mother’s love and approval conditional, but I have experienced that too a couple of times. She can’t take my NO for an answer and would passively force me into things she thinks are right for me and her. While her intentions have always been for my well-being, it has been challenging to feel truly independent and take up responsibilities.

I am pretty sure the parental dynamics I experienced in my childhood led to my being overgiving and self-sabotaging. Your comment has reinforced my belief that fear of abandonment is indeed one of the factors contributing to my relationship issues and my difficulty walking away. I want to be more precise, though. As I stated, my anxiety comes up when I try to focus on my own life. That’s not entirely accurate. My anxiety arises when I do not feel consistent affection or love from my girlfriend. As time has passed, it has just worsened where I closely and involuntarily monitor her every action. So, even a slight change of affection triggers my anxiety. This anxiety totally ruins my day-to-day activities and routine. I believe I am also struggling with low self-esteem, as you mentioned.

However, I disagree with your statement that my gf can’t make me feel loved, happy, and peaceful no matter how hard she tries. I firmly believe my gf barely “does” anything even to try. If words of affirmation are indeed her love language, I’d say I receive them only “sometimes.” Most of the time, she likes to playfully banter, roast, and give backhanded compliments. I have received most words of affirmation as reassurance when I’m angry, upset, or disappointed by her actions. I’d double down on this by saying that words don’t mean anything unless backed by actions. Her past actions have mostly contradicted her words of affirmation. I have reflected on this a lot, and I’ve come to realize that there was a point in the relationship where my childhood wounds got triggered because of her questionable actions, which compromised the relationship. However, I’ve continued to tolerate this, maybe because of my fear of abandonment and giving her the benefit of the doubt. After reading your comment, I have let her know the love language I prefer is acts of service and physical touch. Let’s see how it goes.

I also disagree with your notion that she feels confined or pressured to my preferred love language. I believe a person must learn how to love their partner by trying out things and seeing what makes them happy the most. If not, they should at least give some consideration when their partner eventually tells them they feel unloved or unhappy in the relationship. When asking for some other form of love language, they should be flexible enough to do so. I don’t find my gf doing that. As I mentioned, she blatantly declined or made excuses when asked for it. Also, while you say my needs for validation are insatiable, it gives me the vibe of you believing her word as the complete truth when they are not. As I mentioned, she barely “does” anything for me. “Saying” stuff when I am angry or disappointed does not account for anything. There have been instances where I needed her care and support, but she just wasn’t there for me. Then, as she realizes her absence, she tries to compensate for it by giving a lot of words of affirmation or doing something eventually to please me.

As I reflect on her advantages in the relationship and question if she uses me, I’ve come up with the following emotional and practical benefits. I am someone she could have a “convenient” relationship with where she has to do less than the bare minimum to keep me from leaving the relationship. My attitude of over-giving and going out of my way is also comfortable for her as I do most of the work in the relationship, and she gets to prioritize her own goals while I do so. She is also happy in the relationship, apart from the anxiety issues I’ve been dealing with, which may disturb her. She rarely has any problems with my actions, as I am always thoughtful and conscious of how my actions might hurt her. Overall, it seems like a good deal for someone who wants to get away by doing the least while still having the benefits of a relationship where she can feel loved and cared for.

I also want to say that having a bad childhood is not the only reason I am unhappy in the relationship, although your comment does seem to imply that. I think it is essential to consider how my girlfriend has been showing up in the relationship, too, which I find less than satisfactory.

I am curious to know what you think of this. Again, thanks a lot for taking the time to help me out! I’m grateful for this 🙂